It's the end of the world as I know it...

It's the end of the world as I know it...and while I don't feel fine, I can't keep doing it anymore. Any of it. I'm by no means shutting down my blogs, or deleting my MySpace or Facebook, or any other such drastic measures, because that's akin to giving in to an addiction, and declaring I haven't the strength to fight such a thing, and the truth is, that I do have the strength. I've chosen not to.

I'm not choosing to keep embracing the pain anymore. And that pain is encompassing a lot of things. The things that hurt me are myriad, it isn't just one person, one source of injury. I don't need to keep looking at the things that hurt me. Happy Saturnalian indeed. Because the only person who truly got that reference was me, and I know it. There aren't a lot of people versed enough in the history to have caught it, that would also have seen the page. And I won't keep doing it to myself. There's no point. I won't keep looking at the page, or checking back to see what might or might not be anyplace else. I won't say that I no longer care, because that would be a flat-out lie, and I won't lie to myself. But will I beat my head against a wall anymore? No. And while the peasants will most likely gather round and rejoice, it won't do them any good, because while I made my choices to do with it, it makes no difference now to anyone except me. Had I been left alone, and not constantly smacked in the face about it, it might have been different. I didn't need to be chastised like a child because of my feelings.

And the people who can't figure out why it is that they're hurting me, it's also a lost cause. They all know why and what they're doing, but it's simply more convenient for them to ignore it, because to acknowledge what they do, would mean changing something, and it's easier for me to be the sounding board, for me to be the friend who they can pour their problems on, and be the person they can be hypocritical to, and it's always all right, as long as it's "only their problems" that make a difference, when it hurts me.

Except that it's not.

I was thinking about companionship, and what to do when it seems to have no point anymore to a positive friendship. When all it does is bring me down. Just to have friends? Is it really worth it for that? I'm beginning to think that, no, it's not. That being alone isn't so bad, in the long run.

Evidently, everyone views truth just a little bit differently. Variations on the same thing, all seen through a different scope. That's how police can tell when people are lying, at the scene of a crime. No two people ever tell a story exactly the same way, unless they have had time to corroborate their stories. Cop 101. Quantum physics tells us that reality is a series of possibilities existing side-by-side in any given moment, that it's our choices that create our version of reality.

In my reality, I'm tired of being hurt. Tired of having to explain my actions to everyone, over and over, and having things thrown into public arenas that should never be brought up there. Because that's how my "friends" seem to think is the best way to deal with me. And that tells me that at the end of the day, those aren't my friends. The other half of my "friends", operate under the assumption that my feelings are on a sliding scale basis, and are only bruiseable when it's someone else doing the injuring. Gods help the person who hurts me...conveniently excusing themselves if they punch me by their own words or actions. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, but the end result is the same. But no tolerance is extended for someone *else* who has ever hurt me, and I can be given no leeway for my actions if I want to wallow in self-pity.

I am not permitted such. Because for me to do such a thing means that I'm unavailable to handle the problems of all of my "friends", and that is inconvenient to them, across the board. They grow weary of me having difficulties of my own, that cut into their "me" time.

And truth be told, that's unfortunate, unfair, and unacceptable. Which means that things need to change. And it's the end of something, and I need to make new decisions on how things have to be for me, which is a very practical thing. I tried one approach, and that failed. Now, I'm going to try a new approach.

I obviously don't really need people around me that are sucking the life out of me, or who are going to hit me with a constant flow of things that I don't need to hear. There's nothing that I don't already know about the decisions I'm making, and sometimes I'm simply venting, and generally say that. I ask when I need advice, I'm very good about asking if my reasoning is flawed, or if I'm unsure about my motives. Because I know that sometimes I'm not as stable in my reasons as I can or should be, and so I ask. I have enough things hurting me, to not have my "friends" hurt me too.