Conversations

Or perhaps it was a rant. I'm not even sure anymore. I was talking to Danny about it, while I was driving back from somewhere, a couple of days ago. And I asked him if I was being fair. Today is the 21st of December. So far, this year, I haven't had anything even vaguely be sunshine and roses for me. And I wanted to know why I didn't get to have things go my way, just a couple of times a year?

That seemed like a reasonable request to me. I wasn't looking to have everything handed to me on a silver platter. I wasn't looking for happiness and joy on a day to day basis, or have sunny days every freaking day. But a couple of times a year, I should get to be happy. That seemed fair to me.

I figured that every now and then, I should get to have things work out for *me*, instead of getting to see everyone else be happy, and everyone else have things go right-side-up, while I get more and more unhappy.

And I asked him why it was, that this year, *absolutely nothing* has just gone right, with sunshine for me. And being that there are less than two weeks left, before the end of the year? When is it my turn? How come I don't get to have one this year?

Starting with New Year's Eve last year, pretty much I've had one colossal failure after another, of misery or unhappiness in one capacity or another. And I don't quite understand why the karmic gods decided to beat me over the head this year.

And so I asked Danny if I was asking too much, or if perhaps this was just how it was meant to be. Everyone else gets a turn, except me? Everyone else gets to have someone love them. Everyone else gets to have it easy, at least once in a while, except for me.

And I know he didn't have any answers, and that it isn't even a fair question, but that's how it feels. Everybody else except me, got to have at least a couple of times this year, where things went right for them. That just naturally fell the right way, and things were good.

And while I had a couple of good days this year? They were days I had to *work* for. They weren't just "good things fell for me". I did really well for school, but I busted my ass for it. I managed to keep the apartment, but I jumped through hoops left and right to make it happen. There was no easy, no simple, no sunshine and roses solution. Every single step of it was 'hold your breath and hope like hell' kind of stuff. Right to the wire, it was impossible and nerve-wracking, and things I had to fight for.

*Nothing* went right for me, right from the beginning. And so I sit, looking at the calendar, and wondering...when do I get a turn? Why does everyone else except me get to have a turn to have a happy this year? What did I do so bad, that I had to have an entire year of unhappiness? And is that what I have to look forward to, next year?

Because I'm not sure I want to bother anymore, if next year is going to be a repeat of this one.

Thank you, and please drive through.