June 28th, 2008

Maybe that's what it was. I loved everything about being with you, being tangled up in you. I felt overwhelmed, all the time, looking at you, being around you. I felt completed and safe and I wanted that feeling to stay. I didn't want to have to go back to the way it was, me being alone.

And so when you walked away, all I feel is empty, and it's making me so angry I can't see straight. And I keep going back and forth between anger and despair and wanting revenge.

And none of it is healthy for me, and I know it. Maybe that's what they mean by stages of grief? And perhaps that's what I'll have to go through. Because somewhere inside, I guess I still keep expecting for you to come back. And make it all be okay again. Which isn't a good thing, because I know you'll just do this to me again.

You'll come back and it won't be because you care about me, it will be because it's easy for you. Because I made things easy for you, and you can get laid, and I take care of you. And you'll stay, as long as I do what I'm supposed to do, and don't make any noises about what you did that was wrong, and mean, and don't make you uncomfortable. And you'll stay until something better catches your eye, and you feel "in love" again. And then the merry-go-round will start again.

And I'll be the one who gets hurt again. You'll never be able to look at me, and just say you love or want me. You're not strong enough for that. The person that you want to be, the person that you are? They aren't the same. The person who wants to be strong and loyal and honest, he isn't you. I thought he was, but he's not.

I wanted it badly. I really believed that in the end, you'd stand up and say that you cared enough about me, at least about our friendship, to tell them to leave us alone. But you can't. You'd rather walk away than deal with conflict when it comes to me. You'll let everyone in the world tell you how you feel about me, because it means you don't have to fight for me.

And you shouldn't feel bad about it. It's how it is for everyone with regard to me. Nobody has ever been willing to fight for me. Most of the time, not even me myself.

But I need to learn to fight for myself, and staying with a man who both can't and won't stand up for me, in any way? Has damaged me beyond any means I can express. And the stages of grief are harder than I remembered.