May 26, 2008

Wow. It's been twenty six days, and I never actually got around to writing another entry. I'm kind of surprised at myself.

I'm still angry. And as far as the last entry that I wrote, the one where I "predicted" he was going to ditch me? I was right. Because I have a habit of being right in such situations. He didn't give a damn, and did exactly what he was told to do by her.

He treated me like the neighborhood slut. Suck my cock, and don't tell anyone you're doing it. It's the best thing I've ever had done, and I love having it done, as long as no one knows. But as soon as someone finds out, it's over, and don't call me, I'll call you. Because I'm ashamed to be seen with you.

And he's gone. He hasn't called, emailed, gotten in touch in any way. And at the end of the day, possibly a baby. Still don't know. Although as I'm cramping and spotting now, that might not be. I don't know. I go in to have a good ultrasound done by a competent tech on Friday morning. And I honestly still don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

I know for damn sure that if I *am* pregnant, there are no circumstances at all in which I want him as a part of my life, if she's a part of his. At all. I'm not sure I want him in my life even if she's gone, but I know for certain I don't want him anywhere near me if she's in contact with him, in any way, for any reason. Not as a text on his phone, not as a random email wondering how he's doing. No phone calls, no cute little messages. Nothing, for any reason. I have been through enough, and I won't have it. Maybe that makes me a bitch, or a raving cunt.

I just don't care anymore. In the last six months, I have been through hell because of her. I have been treated like less than dirt, I have been cheated on, and left to pick up the pieces of his broken heart by her *after* I was cheated on, because he ended up suicidal. And I was kicked around and left broken. All because of her. Because every time she so much as sneezes in his general direction, he drops everything to do exactly what she tells him to do, because he wants her so fucking badly. And at this point? I won't have anything to do with him if she's in any way involved in his life. Essentially, what was done to me? Has to be done to her. And unlike her, I know him. I know he'll sneak around. He'll lie, and he'll squirm and he'll attempt to get back into some kind of contact with her, because he *loooves* her. And I don't give a damn. The very first time it happens, he'll never see me, or his baby again. Ever. Because I have had it. I have been broken and bleeding and destroyed completely too much.

There's nothing left. The only thing left for him now is because there's a possibility of a baby, I baby I still want, and I don't want that child left without a father the way Dana was. That would be my only reason alone for allowing him back near me. But if it would be as a package deal with his precious girlfriend, then it's a no-go for me. Because I won't be trying to deal with someone else pulling his strings, and the stress of him walking out on us. And I won't be dealing with the bullshit agan.

The love that I felt for him is gone now. It was shattered by a callous email that was unnecessarily cruel. Shattered by a lack of concern for a friend, by a friend. Shattered by lies and broken promises.

All that's left is the possibility of a child, one that I thought I wanted. I'm still not even sure about that. But I know that I won't punish his child for his father's sins. Neither will I tolerate being walked out on twice, because of his father's inability to make his own decisions. And I won't allow his father to do to a child what was done to me. I wouldn't allow Kevin the chance to do that to Dana, and I won't allow him the chance to do it to this baby.

And the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach gets less with each passing day, as I wake up and grow used to his absence. And the loneliness each night when I go to sleep also gets less. I sleep now, without him. And I dream about things other than the email that broke my heart.

This will pass.