Today

Is the first day, of the rest of my life. And I'm finished now, trying to fight a battle that will never be won. Tired of waiting for a promise to never be kept. And tired of being treated with no courtesy or respect for my feelings, when everyone else matters except me.

Actions speak volumes, and I've tried every way I can think of to make myself heard, and no one listens.

I was a friend when it was needed, and cast aside when it was convenient, and it has been expected of me to take any amount of unreasonable and unfair action against me, and just roll with it, for far too long. And I've given up now. You've made your choices, and gone your own way, and I'll now go mine. And we'll live our lives, and that's fine.

I'll never say that I don't love you, that I won't miss you, or that I hate you. I'll never say that I wanted to walk away and close the door on something I valued. But I also won't be treated as something to be put into a box, and treated as worthless and inconvenient, or treated like leprosy when I've done nothing wrong, and had my character and name slandered and abused without a word or voice raised in protest or defense.

No friend of mine would stand silent while such things were said. No one who claimed to care about me would sit silently and ignore the obvious untruths about me, and let it all ride. And they certainly wouldn't have allowed such things to go on and on and on. And I can't take anymore. It's been too long, and I've had too much recently to keep allowing this. I simply don't have any more that I can take.

I needed one person to defend me, and to still be what I believed in. Just one. And while I can accept that that isn't going to happen, and move past it? I can't continually sit here, and have my heart broken, and be disappointed and let down, and be expected to accept it. I have a limit to what I can take before I break entirely, and there's just nothing left inside of me. Nobody seems to grasp that concept, that I have a limit to the abuse and mistreatment I can take, before it will overwhelm me, and I will simply have a complete breakdown. You assume that I will be able to juggle everything, and it will all be fine.

But I can't. I have no alternate support to fall back on. That's gone. I have myself, and that is slowly crumbling by the constant barrage of expectations that I should never have had to deal with in the first place. I'm strong enough to stand up, and move on, if I walk away.

I'm not strong enough to watch you walk away. That's been done once recently. I can't have it done twice. And in spite of all your protestations, we both know that you're going to do just that when it comes right down to it. And I'm not going to be the one abandoned now. So I'll take my leave now, quietly, and without fanfare. I'll pick up the pieces of my life and try to rebuild it into something I can make on my own.

And the hardest thing I've ever had to do is realize that this time when I walk away, it's me going, because it means that I won't come back. And I won't be watching for you when you come looking later. I won't allow myself to be the person that's good enough for you to care about if there's nobody you love more nearby. I won't sit here, and be worthwhile in your life as long as there isn't someone dictating to you what they need more than what I might need.

Lover or not, friend or not, I should have mattered more than that. Loyalty and friendship should have mattered more than that. Because I didn't do anything wrong, and I've been treated as though I did. I deserved some loyalty and respect, the same loyalty and respect that I showed to you, have always shown to you.

There's nothing I wouldn't have done. I've always been willing to defend you, been willing to stand up for you, and welcome you, and help you. Every time. A courtesy I am apparently simply not worth, in anyone's eyes. And that isn't fair, and it isn't right, and now?

I'm simply finished now. There's nothing left.

While my head and my heart are completely conflicted, and my heart sits crying and saying all I want is to be happy and be held close and be loved. My head knows that it's time to walk away, and let it all go. And move on. And let it be over now.