Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Things will never be the same...

I have new bedding being shipped to me, and I'll be unpacking the boxes that have sat with all my stuff in them for months now. My apartment has sat untouched for a while now. Oh, it's clean, and orderly. But untouched just the same. With everything that shows that I live here in boxes, untouched.

I put away everything to make space for others, and I never took it back out, for two reasons. The last time that I decorated the extra room wherever I lived, I immediately had to dismantle it, because someone I cared about, every time, needed a place to stay/live, and so I had to take it all down, even when I was very excited to have my own space, and start the process of putting myself together. Each time I finally started to assemble something, somebody I cared very much for had some type of emergency, and I needed to clear out a place for them, and so all my plans were put on hold.

It's become sort of a curse to me, to try and put that room together, for fear that somebody I care about will have something go wrong, and they'll need to be able to come here. There are only three people who I would allow to live in my apartment now.

I will never again live with a woman, or with anyone who has children. But there are three men that I could and would live with, if the need arose in their lives. No questions asked, with no qualms. And because of the attachment I have to them, I don't want their lives to go asplodey, and so I've been avoiding unpacking my things, and setting up the room, and setting up my life in the apartment that's now mine alone. It's superstitious, and I know it. But I don't want them to be unhappy, and need to have to have a place to go.

I call it "wishcraft", my bad habit of getting what I want. And I don't want anyone to be unhappy or have their lives disrupted, or anything else that might be karmically screwballed by either wanting to help me, or thinking I need to be helped, or my wanting them around. Whether I sit and say I want them around, or want them to feel needed by me? All of it's irrelevant.

The truth is, I don't need anyone anymore, and I need to let it all go, and set my apartment up for me. So in spite of my superstition, I'm going to set it up. I'm getting rid of the bedding that I shared with someone else. I'm changing out the bedroom to be just mine. I'm unpacking my books, and my small collection of what's left of Tweety bird, and my dolphins, and my dragons. I'll put up my few knickknacks.

And I'll still be here, if I'm needed. But I won't be here to the extent that I have been. For the three people I'd allow to live with me? Those three will still get what they've always had in the way of my attention if they need me. But for everyone else? I'm going to be scaling way back, because I just can't do this anymore.

What's the line to that song, Danny? "Cause I'm one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break"? I think it's Linkin Park. That's how I feel about damned near everything. That I'm about to break, and that I just can't keep handling anything else but my own life. I've had it tossed at me that I need to stop dealing with other people's problems. And I so badly just want to laugh at everyone, and point out that everyone seems to want me to drop others' problems, but not *theirs*. Just theirs are important.

Well, not anymore. At this point? My own problems are important to me. A couple of others are. But right now, I'm not going to be discussing those with anyone anymore. I've grown tired of the sound of my own voice, and don't have much to say to anyone now.

I was asked a few times today, what's wrong, why are you quiet? You sound odd. Things like that. Yes, I sound odd. Sure, there are things wrong. But I don't want to discuss them, it's a cycle of things that I just don't want to get into. I'm doing the best I can.

So I didn't work today, for the first time I can remember. I'm missing a doctor's appointment, because I don't feel good enough to even go to that. And today, I purchased some things for my apartment, to make it mine. To erase the memories, so when I look around, they aren't all I see surrounding me. So I can maybe try to go to sleep on a bed that isn't surrounded with whispers of things that hurt me. With memories that cause me to wake up in tears. I'm trying, and I'm doing the best I can, and I'm still failing.

And tomorrow? Tomorrow I'll work again. I'll email my teachers, to get my syllabus and the book information so I'm ready for school on the 18th of August. I'll call the people I need to call, and then I'll be shutting down the ringers on my phones, because for a little while, I need to be quiet, and left alone.

I'm going to be decorating and putting things away, and working. If you don't hear from me, that's all it is. If you need me? Email me, I'll still be checking that on a regular basis, because I check that for work.

It's nothing personal to anyone. If you're reading this blog, and you know you're one of the three who knows how to reach me, you can reach me if you need me, always. If you're reading this blog and you're unclear on that? You should be. I don't change.

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