I am so tired. And cold. I'm freezing. I've been freezing all day it seems. I got a little bit chilled this morning, and it snowballed (no pun intended) into complete freezing by this afternoon. I've spent most of the afternoon in bed buried in blankets with Esbat, trying to get warm. I'm sure I'll get there eventually. Nobody stays frozen forever.
So with all the bullshit drama that's going on, I've been venting on here. I probably will continue to do so, because that's how I am. I know more or less what's going on with everybody, because everyone talks to me, and I'm good with that. What I'm not good with is what's happening to Tony. Don't get me wrong, I saw his happy little blog post today. But it smells suspiciously like bullshit. And it smells like bullshit mostly because it probably is. I'm sure he wrote it, with all the spelling mistakes, I'll concede it probably was written by him. I just wonder whether or not Courtney was standing behind him with a crowbar while he wrote it. Seems to me that if things are as warm and fuzzy as claimed, then he'd be going to his friend's homes and hanging out. He'd be going to lake, and enjoying himself, and not going in to be "punished" for having left the house when he gets home. He wouldn't only be speaking to people from work, instead of taking calls at home. When you have to sneak around to talk to people, when you have to claim you hate people that you actually don't hate, something is definitely wrong in your life.
Now, me personally. I don't much care when someone hates me or not. I've been through that particular minefield too many times in my life to even register it anymore. And I can take it or leave it, for the most part, on friendships. I don't go out of my way to hurt anybody. I haven't bothered going out of my way to hurt anyone, physically, emotionally, or any other way in years. I simply don't care that much about other people's opinions anymore.
I was willing to go out of my way to not attend gatherings being held at Tony's friend's houses, because I didn't want him to be forced by Courtney to stay home if I was there. It was mostly a common courtesy gesture on my part, because I know how much Tony means to people like Kat. She loves him like a brother, and she shouldn't have to explain my presence or deal with the shitstorm that ensues because of me, just to be able to spend time with him. And yet, in spite of my *not* going out and hanging out, he still wasn't supposed to go, and Courtney definitely made him pay for it. God ony knows what the hell she does to him besides degrade him and insult him when people are *not* present to see it. She certainly treats him horribly when people are there, s I cringe when I think of how it must be when nobody's there when she's in one of her moods.
It's as though she woke up three days after the wedding, and decided that she was going to be the one in charge of absolutely everything. I know that she was treated like complete shit by her ex-husbands. I know that she's been through quite a bit in the last few years. But I also know that Tony treats her very well indeed, and in return, she treats him like he's some annoying house pet that she tolerates because it's expected, but doesn't actually love. He's supposed to tell her she's wonderful and beautiful and how much he loves her all the time. While at the same time, she calls him stupid and useless and bitches about everything he does, 90% of the time. That isn't love.
See, a decade ago, I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with what she's doing. That was before I got together with Danny. But I've been with Danny now for a long time, and it's taught me what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. Companionship. Respect. Honesty. Trust. Those are all integral parts of a partnership, and marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. Courtney should remember that, given how she was treated all those years.
And because of that, I just can't understand what she's doing. I know that she's probably getting feedback from Jennifer about her behaviour, and that Jennifer's probably encouraging it, because I gathered when I came into contact with Jennifer that she still has a 'me me me' complex. I hope for society's sake she outgrows it, but whatever. This isn't high school, and her influence on Court is hurting Tony terribly. And Tony's a nice man, who doesn't deserve to be living in hell constantly.
I've discussed what I think with some of my friends. I just don't understand. I got dumped all over, I got used for a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff. I had the police called on me for threats I never made. I had some truly vicious messages left on my home voicemail, and I had to watch Danny be upset because he was worried that Courtney might do something truly stupid like try to break into the apartment, because she's been so unbalanced. And I defended her, to him, to everyone. I defended her problems to everyone, made excuses for her when she was acting like a spoiled four year old child. And then I got dumped all over, as soon as she had what she wanted, which appeared to have been having her wedding paid for. And pay, I most certainlyl did. Georgia yelled at me because she doesn't want anybody to be taken advantage of. She's a nice lady, and I appreciated what she said. Maybe I give too much, too easily. I don't really think about it while I'm doing it, because it's just who I am.
And I've been spending time with Kat, with Mona, with Stewie, with all of the "friends" that used to be Courtney's. And I like them. They're good people. I've enjoyed getting to know Kat, as the adult woman that she is now, instead of the teenage girl in high school that I only vaguely remember. I have enjoyed getting to know Mona and Doug, because I have things in common with them. I enjoy hanging out with Stew, because he reminds me of a time in my life that I remember fondly. But because I did vaguely know Kat before, she's the one who I focus on when things are going on. I didn't have any history with Mona or Stewie, so to me, what they do, or don't do, never comes as a surprise to me, because there's no comparison factor. But with Kat, it constantly surprises me. She goes out of her way to make sure that I don't end up feeling used. Not that she says anything about it, it's just sort of a gentle nudge that I shouldn't pay for things for her. She splits the bill for lunch. She pays for her own things at the store. She thanks me every time I take her anywhere, even though it's not inconvenient to me at all to take her in the first place. And when Georgia said what she said, about not needing to pay for everything for everyone in order to have friends, I suddenly realized that these "friends" of Courtney's are more friends to me than she was. None of them are interested in me for any money I do or don't have. None of them want anything more complicated than to hang out, and kick back. And I'm guessing that Tony would have fallen into that category too, if it wasn't for Courtney. She suddenly became mercenary, and I hadn't been paying attention, and I got taken in. And she pressured Tony into doing things he didn't want to do, and accepting things he never wanted in the first place, just to appease her. I would have liked to keep Tony as a friend, but I know that isn't possible. It would probably cost him his marriage if he was to acknowledge that I'm not the anti-Christ. And that's okay, it's his decision. I understand the desire to save a marriage. I don't believe in divorce, so I totally understand it. But it hurts me to see how he's treated. Or even to hear about it second-hand. Or third-hand. Or whatever.
Courtney needs to grasp that nobody is out to get her. I'm not going to tiptoe around and go out of my way to avoid her, because that's childish, and would be akin to giving in to a child's tantrum. But neither am I going to go out of my way to contact Tony now, because he doesn't need the extra hassle of listening to her yell any more. At least, not about me. I'm sure she can find other things to be mean about besides me. I'll miss him. I miss her, but not enough to go back into the round robin cycle of trouble that accompanies her. I hope she continues to get therapy, and takes her meds in a way that makes her become stable again, so maybe the person I remember will come back at some point. Her mom would be disappointed to know that she's treating anyone the way she's been treating her friends lately. I know I'm disappointed in what she's suddenly become, but I can't allow it to be my problem anymore. I tried, to the best of my ability to help. I can't keep beating my head against a wall.
The pizza is here, and I'm going to go and finally catch up on all the "Smallville" I'm two months behind in watching. I'm going to shut down the ringers on the phone, the same way I just advised Kat to do, so she could get some rest. I'm going to spend time with my boyfriend/fiance/husband (giggle), and enjoy my life. And I'm going to pet my cat.
Goodnight everybody. Be well. Be happy. Treat others the way you would want to be treated, and tell the people you love that you love them.
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