Yay.

So Jeannie makes really good Thai Curry. And I appreciate greatly her taking the time and energy to cheer me up and make sure I didn't go home to an empty apartment, and feed me. It was good, and I had a good time. I hope to get the recipe, and learn to make it myself, just in case she and Matt end up stationed somewhere far away, as I really do enjoy it, and it seems like something I can probably cook.

In other news, they drew another pile of blood from me yesterday, which kind of sucked. Although I really do like the new doctor. It's not really his fault that I'm sick and broken. And I like the fact that he isn't trying to gloss anything over, or lying to me, or treating me like an imbecile. That's nice.

While my mail was bouncing back to where-ever last month, I apparently completely blew an appointment in San Francisco, which caused my neurosurgeon to drop a line on my Imaging Center, and have all scans sent to him for reading and review until I get back in touch with him. Unfortunately, as I had no way of knowing this, all I knew was that they sent my films unexpectedly out to him, and there was no reason for it, and I flipped out completely. I'm fine, btw. But it freaked me out, since the last time my films went out of town for review, they found a frickin' golf ball sized tumor in my head. Panic ensued, and it was unpleasant.

And then, just to add to the fun, there actually was bad news. There is a missing ovary, that's just gone. And the left ovary is probably a complete loss. They're going to try and shrink it down using hormones. I have between four and six months that they'll give it, and if they don't shrink the cyst within that time frame, I'm looking at surgery to remove it. And as I've only one left? That means I won't be able to have more children. He told me I should probably prepare myself for the reality of that, given my family history. He's a very practical guy. They'll do their best, using what they have, but I should prepare for the worst, especially if I had hoped to actually have kids in the future, he didn't want me hoping for something that might not happen now. And it will be up to me, if they take out my uterus and the rest. I can keep them, for in vitro, etc, if I want to, but I don't much see the point. And it hurts, knowing that.

I left pretty messed up in general. I'm still pretty messed up. And then, just to add insult to injury? My liver, the fact that it's enlarged? He actually is rather concerned. Enough to be running a slew of bloodwork to try and find the source, if there is one. And to be checking out other stuff, though he didn't elaborate on it, he said we'd discuss it when the labs came back.

So, overall? A lot of suck. And I don't understand a lot of it, because it never occurred to me to be concerned about my liver, honestly. I was kind of prepared for the reproductive problems. But some of the other things, not so much.

And I'm tired of other stuff too, like so-called friends who can't be bothered to repay money I loaned to them, to bail them out of jams, who just forget about me. And other people who walk around acting like their lives just suck, when they don't. And it bothers me, because at the moment? My life actually does suck, for the most part. And I'm holding it together, because I have to. What else am I going to do? I can't just sit and cry all the time. So I work, because I can drown everything else out while I work. But it's draining me. I passed out on my keyboard this morning, so I guess maybe I'm overdoing it a bit. But I kind of have to, if I'm going to be able to pay my bills.

I'm shutting off Comcast, because it's too expensive. I swapped out to AT&T, which will be up and running on Thursday, so they tell me. I'm switching out a lot of things that were too expensive. I'm still barely eating, which is working out well for the weight loss thing, but has to be taking a toll in other things. I know that I'm taking care of myself for the most part, but I don't know how long I can hold up on all fronts, before one of them will break.

I'm going to be looking into online college, because that will alleviate some of the work stress. I'd rather do school, and have Pell Grants pick up part of my household bills, and work a bit less, than try and kill myself working around the clock. And as a bonus, I might actually learn some stuff too. And I enjoy learning. And school will be free for me, as far as I know. I spent like three hours on the phone today, talking to various people about how to do all of those things. It will only work if I can do it online though, because I'm not prepared to go to the actual college, and sit in classes. I don't have the stamina for it.

I don't have the stamina for much these days. I can sit in front of the computer, and I figure I can probably manage books. But driving back and forth, fighting the traffic, and dealing with students and that kind of thing would overwhelm me, and probably cause my speech to go out, etc. I just don't think I could deal.

I don't know. I honestly just don't know. I want everything to calm down, and I don't know if or when it will. Sometimes I just want to stop, and give up, and make it all go away.