Secret word of week

This week I don't have a secret word of the week. This week's blog is devoted to anger, pure and simple. Maybe my word of the week is "anger" then.

In short? The last few months have completely and totally fucked me over. In every way possible. I don't think I'm going to be giving anybody a chance anymore. I doubt I'll be trusting anybody anymore. The last six months have taught me that, very well. Not to trust anyone when they tell me something. Not to count on anyone for anything, and not to believe in anybody.

It's common knowledge, the things I need from people. And I shouldn't have to ask, especially when they *know* what it is that I need. And I'm tired of having to ask. If they aren't going to volunteer to at least offer to clean up the messes that they caused, and help? I'm sick of being left screwed over. What's the point? I'll try and figure out a way to get by. It's what I have left, right? I'll manage, in one fashion or another, and I'll either sink or swim. But I'll be damned if I'm going to beg for crumbs from people who should have been there for me, when they caused part of the problems I have now.

So I'm angry. I'm frustrated with life. I've gotten a lot of flack recently, because I'm not acting like "myself". Well, yes, I am. "Myself" is the person who has been taken advantage of, walked all over, screwed over, and left to fend for myself when all I've done is tried to help people out, and gotten kicked when I was down and fucked over for it. That's what's left now. When I'm sad, and want someone to talk to? Most of the time, everyone's too busy. When I'm completely flat broke and can't make my rent? Interestingly, it seems as though people forget that I've bailed them out, and have given up my last fifty bucks to help them out. I've let people move into my apartment when by rights I really really shouldn't have, and that one ended up costing me my relationship with Danny, because I couldn't keep it all together when I didn't have the spare room for us to use anymore, and he moved back to his parents, because I broke up with him rather than keep sharing the bedroom with him, because I had to have some space or I was going to go crazy.

I have absolutely bent over backwards trying to do everything for everyone, and it has cost me everything I have. And what has it gotten me? Left behind and dropped, now that I don't have Danny's money backing me anymore. Nobody cares or remembers me. I'm useless to them now. Now that I might need something in return. Now that I should be repaid what was loaned eons ago.

I'm so tired. I don't want to fight. I don't want to ask, or beg, or be pitied. It's tedious, and I'm sick of all of it. So giving me shit because I'm not acting like "myself"? No, I'm acting like myself. I'm just not as much fun now that my life is difficult. It's a lot harder to be "fun" all the time, when life sucks 95% of the time. Working thirteen hours a day, seven days a week SUCKS. How many of you do that? I'm pretty sure everyone but me gets days off. And probably makes more money than I do, as well. And I still haven't even *gotten* a paycheck.

This has turned into quite a rant. So everyone wants to know what's "wrong" with me lately? Take a good look at yourselves, and see if you're one of the ones who has screwed me over lately. And whether or not you figure if you just ignore something and wait it out, maybe I won't ask for whatever it is that you should be doing for me, or making me ask for whatever it is that I need. Then you won't have to do it. Hey, if you're comfortable with letting your conscience ignore screwing me over, more power to you. But I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm tired of it. If you've screwed me over, I guess I don't particularly need friends like that in my life anymore. They're kind of an emotional drain that I don't need. I'm drowning enough already without needing to have to beg for things that should have been freely offered to help.

This has been long enough. I'm going to go back to work now. Because that's what I do now.