Updates to my life

This is what's going on:

Trinette is completely moved out, and I'm working, more or less around the clock. Things are going alright there, it's busy, and it will take some getting used to. She is, as far as I know, settling in at her Mom's place, and she and I are doing fine. Still friends, all is quiet on the western front. Still not sure exactly how I'm going to manage July's rent, but I'm sure that will also get worked out, and it will be fine, and in August, I'll be managing on my own just fine.

All the results are formally back from all the various ultrasounds, not just the uterine one. And I'm not sure how I feel about them.

My kidneys are fine, my pancreas is fine, my heart is fine, my spleen, all fine.

My ovaries? Are not fine. One of them is missing entirely, my right ovary wasn't there. And I know that it was there originally when I had Dana, so sometime between now and then it stopped being there. And the exam that was done was done in two ways, so I know that the tech didn't just "miss" it. It was too thorough for her to miss it. The right ovary is simply gone. About five years ago, there was an issue, and Danny and I think that was when it became gone. I'll leave it at that.

The left ovary? There's a cyst inside of it, that's taking up virtually the entire thing. Chances are that that's why I've been pregnant twice in the last six months, and both times I couldn't sustain them. Chances are that the eggs that are releasing are so badly damaged at this point that they're not even capable of producing a healthy child. They're most likely not sustainable in any fashion that would result in a fully functional child. There's simply not enough space left in my left ovary to produce viable eggs, I don't think.

Which means, in basic English, that chances are it's about that time in my life that my reproductive organs are about to be pulled. If I only have one ovary to begin with, and they're going to take it out, they might as well take everything else too. And then there will be no more babies for me, ever. I've known that since I was about sixteen, that at some point I wouldn't be having all my female bits. But I guess I wasn't quite as well-prepared as I thought.

And I'm hurting. I feel rather like less than useless right now, as a woman in general. I couldn't sustain a baby that I wanted desperately, twice. I don't have Dana. I am just generally completely a failure in general as a mother. And it hurts like hell. And no, there's nothing anything anyone is going to be able to say that is going to take that feeling away and make it better right now. I know that it's not particularly a valid feeling, and I haven't done anything wrong to cause it. But it doesn't much change anything.

Oh, and yes, there are some gallstones, so score one for the doctor who wanted my gallbladder checked. I guess I'll get to take yet another weird pill to cause them to splinter into pieces or whatever. My liver is also enlarged, although they're not sure why. It could be that it's just naturally that way. It might be that the amount of medications I take caused it to become bigger, and it might be a danger to my health because of it. It might be a number of things. Who knows.

Yay for having completely fucked up health, right? Just once, just one time, I'd like to have normal health, and be a normal functional person. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

And now, I'm going to go and play in the pervert pond again, because honestly that's more fun than thinking about anything, and I'd rather sit and entertain the perverts than live my own life right now.

If nobody hears from me for a while, assume that all I'm doing is working, and that I'm fine. I'll blog, and log in and out of MySpace and FaceBook. Don't worry about me.

Love, Crys