speech and frustration

I cooked dinner tonight for my kid brother, because he wanted me to make him spaghetti for his sixteenth birthday. He's crazy about my spaghetti. Which is appropriate, as I make bomb spaghetti. Hot, spicy italian sausage spaghetti. And no, I'm not bragging at all, I really do make incredibly good spaghetti, it's one of the things I cook incredibly well, so it's something he asks for almost anytime he gets a chance, and he knew very well he was guaranteed to get it for his birthday. No big deal, right? Only I hadn't actually cooked it for about the last six months, as I haven't really been doing a lot of cooking for the last few months, and haven't cooked that particular dish at all in the last six or so. So I was a little nervous, because I didn't want to disappoint him. And my grandfather was coming over too, to eat with us. I was just kind of nervous in general.

I'm not a big fan of disappointing people I care about. So I was already edgy. I've been on edge for days. And we had a little mini-party, with a birthday cake, and sang the traditional song, blah blah blah. It went very well, actually. But the kids were horsing around, and while I would have normally been fine? It was just too much. And my stupid speech went out. Again. And I'm so damned tired of it. I'm sick of this speech aphasia.

I realize that I can't control it, and that it doesn't make me less of a person or whatever. But it's still frustrating as all hell. Because normal everyday activities are *hard*. I blew out my ankle a few days ago, twisted it while walking to the stupid swimming pool. And while it isn't that big of a deal, not really. My ankle and my foot are purple, and it's swollen like a grapefruit. And the swelling isn't going down. It's actually a good thing that I'd had to go to see my doctor that next day, so she got a good look at it, and she'll be checking it out again when I go in for a follow-up. If the swelling doesn't go down, I'm guessing they'll be taking some kind of x-rays. Yay? I think it's probably fine, but the whole swelling not going down is annoying. And because I'm me, I keep bonking it into things.

Kat loaned me her crutches, which is helping considerably, and I'm staying off it as best I can, it's all wrapped up, etc. But I'm fairly stressed out. On another note entirely: I got the notice back from Fresno City, I'm officially enrolled. I'm a student now! I have my own counselor and everything, she called today. I guess I'm good to go? It feels so weird. I didn't really think I'd be a college student at my age. Not that I'm ancient or anything, it just seems strange that I'd pursue a real career now, that I'd be striking out to be...something, now.

Things are slowly, but sure, stabilizing. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of the friendships issues I have going on. I guess there really is a point that you have to sit and weed through the people and things in life that are an emotional drain, and I'm at that point now. There are some things I simply refuse to let go. People who have been in my life, a major part of my life, who I will not willingly part with, and I am fairly confident that it goes both ways. But there are a lot of other people who I suspect that I can now look at, and realize that all they are and were was a drain on me, and my personal energy. And that I was better off just letting go. Not that it isn't going to be painful, and it isn't going to take time for me to heal. But I don't need to keep expecting something that isn't there. Friendship, actual honest friendship? Isn't all one-sided.

As I've actually proven more than once, I will drop everything I'm doing and come flying to the rescue, even when it hurts me, for a friend that I value. I will put my entire life on hold, and bury my own pain if I need to, to help them, comfort them, do anything that's necessary for them. Whether that's loaning money, bringing them something silly to cheer them up, watching a movie, or just sitting and listening to them talk. Offering a hug to comfort, or just being there. Because that's what I do when I love my friends. But I've learned that very rarely do my so-called friends do the same for me. A select few will and do, when I need them. But they're a very small select group. And I'm tired of trying to maintain a "friendship" when it's an emotional and financial drain on me. It's beginning to just not be worth it.

There are some people that I value, and value highly. And I love them, and would give anything to have them in my life, and keep them there. And there are some people that I will miss, but won't keep giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. I suppose if anyone actually wants to know where they fall on the scale? They can ask. I'm perfectly willing to tell anyone with the nerve to ask at this point.

I'm not looking to chase anyone away with a bat. But I'm not pursuing actively a friendship with anybody anymore. I guess they're called "fluff friendships". I have a lot of those, and they're starting to seem pointless to me now. I am so busy and so overwhelmed lately, that fluff friendships seem pointless and a waste of my time, since I don't really know how to have a friendship where I don't give emotionally to it.

This keeps dragging on, and I'm rambling at this point again. Me and my blogging. I'll write more later I'm sure, as I always do. I hope my readers haven't grown bored with me. I apologize for my tediousness.