The Phillip saga

Hmm. I'm not quite sure how I want to say what it is that I want to say, so this may be a very peculiar post indeed.

Phillip's cut me out of his life, in the most cowardly and crass way possible. He sent me a two-line email, from a bogus email account. Not even a phone call. I know that a lot of people read this blog, and I'm writing this, knowing full well that a lot of local people who have or had respect for Phil will be reading this, and think that he'd never do something as pathetic as some of the things he's done recently.

I'm not the only person he cut off without a word. There's an entire list.

See, Phillip cheated on his "girlfriend". The one who lives 2000 miles away. As everyone who reads here knows, there was/is a pregnancy scare, and he fell back into bed with me. He cheated. It was wrong. It's happened before. I don't even particularly blame her for wanting him to stop seeing me.

On the other hand...I do blame him for walking away. He's sworn to me, and everyone else, for months, that I was much too valuable to him as a friend for him to cut me out of his life, no matter what. He's stated multiple times that he would *never* be dictated to by anyone, for any reason, about who he could and could not spend his time with. That he would under no circumstances take that kind of ultimatum.

And like a fool, I believed his lies. And lie he did. I didn't even get a courtesy phone call. His accounts are deleted, his phone goes unanswered. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.

And her ultimatum about me? It made sense. He can't be trusted with me. Because he will indeed fall right back into my arms. Fine. But the others? I talked with her. And she seemed like a nice girl. And then I kept thinking. It keeps going around and around in my head. She had a whole list of others he had to cut out as well.

He had to cut out Mona. And with Mona goes Cora. Cora is a child, who was very attached to Phillip. And Colleen doesn't care that Cora's being punished. And obviously, Phillip cares not at all either.

He cut out Melissa. And with her went David, Emily and Lauren. Children. Children who were again, very fond of Phillip. Colleen once again cared not at all that the children involved would be hurt by his absence. And Phil obviously cared not at all either. As long as he could keep talking to his girlfriend on the phone a few hours a day.

He isn't allowed to see or speak to Trinette, and with her went Sammie, who can't even understand his absence, as we have absolutely no way to explain it to her. Colleen doesn't care about that. She's on the list of unacceptable.

The others on the list? Annwynn/'Chelle. Mike McGee. Danny. Essentially? Absolutely anyone who is a friend of mine. If it's someone who knows and likes or trusts me? He isn't allowed to associate with them, because that would put him at risk for coming into contact with me, and she doesn't trust him in any way to come into even third-person contact with me.

What kind of person does that? Deems all of the people in and around someone's life, people who have cared and helped and proven loyalty to someone as "unacceptable"? Who gets to make that kind of judgment call from 2000 miles away? And who the fuck concedes to that sort of ultimatum? You drop everyone who has befriended you, and helped you, and loved and cared for you, so that you can maintain some kind of quasi-relationship with someone who is 2000 miles away, with no actual estimate of a real relationship arriving at anytime in the actual practical future?

I understand that they care about each other. But last time I checked, if you really, really care about someone? You don't ask them to sit and be alone, waiting for you. You don't ask to give them the crumbs you have available for them.

And as for him? He lied, to me, and to everyone else closest to him here. He lied to her. He is so comfortable with lying and sneaking around, that it's only a matter of time, with all the restrictions that have been placed on him before he simply starts lying again. It's foolish to think that he won't.

I'm not sure what to think about any of it. If she's really as nice as she seems, then why would she keep trying to keep him on a leash from Indiana? She has to know that it isn't going to work. Not with them long-distance. It's not realistic. And there are too many things she can't afford to lose right now to come out here. She might never be able to set them aside and come out here. That's reality. I have enough crappy health problems to know that. California is *not* a friendly state when it comes to trying to land a job with full-time benefits. It's just a fact of life. And giving them up where you are would just be stupid if you've got health problems. It's the story of my life when it comes to working.

And as for Phil? Phil does what Phil wants, and if he can't make it all fit together? He lies and sneaks, and only admits to what he's done when he's crushed into a corner. I won't say I hate him. I will say that I'm thoroughly disgusted with him. I'll also say that I'll never trust him again. I won't ever be able to believe anything he says again. The blinders on *my* eyes are off completely. And that hurts, unbelievably.

But the fact that it hurts, makes it possible to get up in the morning, and look around, and not cry. To not look at my phone, and wish it would ring. Because I don't want to call him. I don't have much to say. Everything I had left to say is mean, or hurtful, or just plain nasty.

If I *do* end up pregnant? About all I have left to say to him is "please sign this that says you have no claim to this child", because I don't want him involved, and I don't want him trying to take my child from me. I wouldn't deny him coming and visiting the child as it grew up, but I don't want to have to hassle with child support, or him being involved in day to day decisions. We're all better off if there's no sprog. Because something tells me that would be a bloody battle indeed. I don't trust him, and he would hate me.

Lovely.

Wow, that was quite the long ramble. So that's what's been going on in "The Phillip saga". He walked away, without a backward glance, and was too much of a coward to even pick up the phone...and he did it because Colleen told him to. And I can't quite figure out how a "nice girl" got to the conclusion that having him abandon all of his friends, and a bunch of children he was fond of who were attached to him was a nice thing to do, without any explanations, or any consideration. Or how at the end of the day, the two of them are going to make that relationship work, with her issuing orders from 2000 miles away, and him saying "yes ma'am". I hadn't realized that Phillip was as spineless and pathetic as that, or as willing to ditch the people who were good to him.

If you can't trust him, in any way, to come into any contact with anyone who is a friend of mine? There's not really a way for you to monitor what he's doing from Indiana. How are you going to keep tabs on that? Pat and Tawnya going to report back to her? Going to have her friends follow him around and send reports that he isn't leaving the house? He going to send copies of his cell phone records, proving he isn't still talking to me, or anyone else on the "do not talk" list? There isn't really a way to prove he isn't doing what he said he'd do. And honestly, because he lies so easily...unless she's here...how the hell would she even know in the first place?

If one of my friends hadn't told her...he'd still be here. Hanging out here. Cheating again, eventually. Lying daily. And he had no intention of telling her...ever.

Goodnight.