I wonder how it feels?

I wonder that, often, how it feels to be someone else. Someone who is willing to compromise things that I'm not willing to. I'm a very peculiar person a lot of the time. I have an odd moral outlook, and I know it. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't steal. I wouldn't compromise my own morals, not for anything. But my own morals are just that, they're mine. And what makes them up isn't written in anyone else's conduct book, that's for certain.

So I look around, and I wonder how it feels, to be able to constantly shift patterns and be able to just switch gears anytime it suits their purposes. Because I just can't do that. I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I'm going to do it. And I follow through.

Phillip and his constantly fluctuating morality, and his willingness to fuck over whoever he needs to to suit his own personal purposes at any given time both confuses me and frustrated me, because I just couldn't do it. And in the end, it's why I couldn't handle his lying to Colleen. He was so comfortable with it, and I'm so uncomfortable with all the lies in general. I was his dirty little secret, and he was so ashamed of me, and it bothered me. Not so much because of what we were doing. I didn't and don't care that he was involved with somebody else. I wasn't cheating, because I don't cheat, so that didn't affect me at all. What bothered me was that he only felt guilty when I said "no" about something. Everything was fine, unless I brought up the reality of our situation. *Then* and only then, did he have a moral dilemma. And suddenly, he just couldn't continue anymore. He felt oh-so-guilty *then*. Because I was suddenly pointing out that there was no birth control involved, and he still wanted sex. Was still comfortable with what we were doing, even though it might be resulting in a child each and every time. He would have been alright with an accidental pregnancy, every time. As long as he didn't have to admit to himself, or anyone else, that in reality, we were trying to get me pregnant. And that was and is the reality of that situation. From the point where he knew there was no active birth control in my system, he knew precisely what was going on.

Selective morality. I just don't understand it. And now, I'm frustrated with myself. I was actually ranting at someone, but more at myself, earlier today. Because I'm so disgusted with myself. Knowing exactly who and what he is? I love him anyway. Flaws and all. I can't help how I feel, and I said that. I was a lot more eloquent earlier, actually. I delineated all of the reasons that I'm better off with him gone, why even if there's a child, I'm better off with him staying away, because do I really want the child raised with those values being taught to it? Even knowing all of those things...I can't help what I think or how I feel. Because unlike Phillip, or Colleen, I can say that I love him, and that I *know* him. His faults, and they're legion. Not that I don't have my own, because I do. But I know his, and still. (shrug)

She's in over her head. And she's too far away to realize that. I'm not particularly doing anything. It wouldn't matter anyhow. And he's living his little pathetic dreary existence, where he takes the crumbs she offers to him, and lives in his room, with his computer and his WoW, and hopes for the best, where she might someday show up. And then reality, if she ever appears, will set in. The mediocre sex, where she can't keep up with his sex drive will finally become reality. The inflexibility where she can't bend up like a pretzel, which he really, really enjoys. The fact that he wants it several times a day, for hours at a time. The fact that he doesn't like cheesy television, and doesn't like romantic comedies and doesn't like fiction silly reading. And he's very serious, almost all the time in conversation in real life. The actual *reality* that's Phillip will set in. In all honesty, the actual oral sex, which by this point, as much of a bitch as I am, he has to be missing, because nobody will *ever* give him that the way I could. There's a lot to be said for getting something from someone who you know loved you, and wanted to give you something purely because they loved you and wanted to make you feel good. And he knows it. Some things just can't be reproduced, no matter how hard somebody tries.

And yes, I miss him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Am I angry? Fuck yes, I'm angry. Do I hate him? I honestly don't know. I'm so disgusted and livid at how I was treated I still don't know much beyond that. But I still miss him, because you can't really control how your heart feels, and my heart has felt what it feels for Phillip for more than ten years, even when I couldn't remember him. Unfortunately, now I *can* remember him. So it hurts. Do I wake up in the morning, and reach for the phone? No, not anymore. At least that's getting easier. I don't expect the phone to ring anymore. I don't even know what I'd say if it did.

I'll never understand how it feels to be able to just walk away from someone and pretend that they don't matter. I'm not built that way. I can cut someone from my life, but I can't pretend they don't matter. I can cut them out if they've done me a grievous wrong, but not if they didn't harm me.