A near miss

I almost crashed the Thunderbird. My legs went numb while I was driving home yesterday, and my already screwy depth perception got about 10 times worse, and I almost cracked the car up. Yes, obviously, I'm fine. I wasn't then, and by the time I actually got it parked safely into the stall, and got myself into the house, I just wanted to sit quietly and have a nice little emotional breakdown. Which is why none of you got phone calls.
And as I don't really want to be yelled at, or lectured (and I was *FINE* when I left the house, or I wouldn't have LEFT the house), and the medications that was causing the problem has now been abruptly stopped, such things should no longer be an issue.

Although my skin looks atrocious. I gather about 95% of people can safely take Plaquenil, without side effects. It would appear that I'm not one of those 95%. So what else is new? Rest assured that I'm not in any big hurry to be 'treated' for my RA just now in any form, since all that being 'treated' for it has done is completely thrash my skin, make me violently ill, and cause me to nearly wreck my car. Oh, and make my already pain-filled joint pain *worse* instead of better. Gee, thanks. Let me try "treating" it so it can "improve" my life a little more. Not in any rush to do that.

I've actually been more and more and more exhausted physically recently. And not just tired, but actually weak. Just trying to get the pitcher of water out of the refrigerator and pouring a glass sometimes is enough to make me want to take a nap, and that bothers me. I'm not certain what's changed, that's causing me to be getting so much weaker physically.

I forced myself today, to use the trampoline, and it took a while before I finally started to get a bit of energy. And I at least feel awake instead of wanting to go and crawl into bed to take yet another nap. I'm still physically tired, but my mind is less foggy than it's been in a while. So I figure I'll force myself into the daily exercise and see if it improves. *tips a hat in Sissy's direction for the suggestion*

There has been a lot of bad going around lately. People's lives are coming apart at the seams, or so it would appear. People whose lives I'm not actively involved in, but that I used to know. I still notice what goes on around me, and I still acknowledge when things suck. I don't wish harm on anyone, even from a distance.

A lot of people have passed on recently, and there's been a lot of pain and a lot of loss. It strikes me as peculiar that in the midst of all of that loss, instead of everyone clinging to each other, sometimes we push each other away. It's almost as though when we hurt the most, that's the time that we choose to inflict more. To...prove something? To make certain that nobody asks anything extra from us? I don't know.

I know that when I'm feeling uncertain and frightened and angry, I strike out at the people I want and love most. Counter-productive, I know. Utterly stupid. But I figure nobody can hurt me more than I can hurt myself, and if I leave first, no one can leave me. I won't give anyone the opportunity. Yay for therapy, which has taught me quite a lot over the years. I don't always do the stupid thing anymore, but I did that a lot, for a very long time.

I'm probably rambling, so everyone can take whatever I might have to say with a grain of salt, or they can find wisdom where they may.

I'm not particularly full of wisdom. No one ever listens to my advice. They ask for it, but no one actually heeds it. And then they come back later, and want to know why something went horribly wrong, and ask what they could have done to prevent such catastrophe? Honestly, I've sort of gotten to the point of just shrugging and patting people on the head and letting them say/think/do anything they like, because I tend to believe no one is really listening to whatever is coming out of my mouth anyway. They're mostly talking to me so they can hear themselves speak, and the occasionally word that filters through that I say confuses them.

I suspect we're both better off that way. Perhaps I'll test the theory sometime, and say what I'm truly thinking, and see if anyone actually notices the difference between my editing politically correct statements, the ones I'm using these days, and my actual thoughts, and see if they notice that I've changed what I'm saying most of the time. That might be fun. Of course, if someone actually is listening, I suppose people might stop speaking to me...then again, that being the case, if they get that mad, oh, hell with it. I think I'm getting a headache.

I'm going to go make a pot of tea, and start working on my Psychology assignment. Sadly, that will probably less confusing than my current line of reasoning. I'd rather debate Psych theory.