pink fleece and white bunnies

I haven't really written much of anything on here in a while, weeks really. Not because I don't have anything to say to anybody, but more because anytime I have something interesting to say, I decide I don't want to post it up on the internets, for everybody to read.

For a long time, I was absolutely uptight about who was reading my words, and wondering who was stalking me. I was paranoid in the extreme, and was constantly nervous and upset with the idea of who it might be, and why they were so interested in what I had to say, if anything.

For a long time, I spent months trying to get past and let go of the past, and get over how badly I was hurt, and move on with my life. And I actually finally did move on, and put my world...not back together. It was too shattered for that. But I built a new one, and I liked who I became. But it took me almost two years, to do that.

Recovering from being devastated takes time, and takes perseverance, and determination. It means not giving up, or giving in, or not being willing to giving anyone else including yourself the satisfaction of letting anyone seeing your fail.

I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot of time sitting alone attempting to make sense of the whys and the hows and trying to understand if there was a failing in me or if there was something I could have done to have made something have gone a different way.

In the end, I accepted that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that everything probably does happen for a reason, and I let it go, and I started to heal. There are still broken pieces inside of me. There always will be. Some wounds don't ever completely close, but you move on, and you deal with what has to be done. And I did, and I'm stronger for it.

I survived.

I'm proud of that. I'm proud of a lot of things about my life now, even knowing that there are a lot of imperfections about me still. I don't always make the choices that people who care about me would want me to. I'm alright with that. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, and that has to be enough, even when people don't approve. I'm no longer seeking approval from anyone else but myself.

I know that I've been missing from my blog a lot lately, and I'm sorry for that, because I know a lot of you keep tabs on me here, wondering where I've been and what I've been doing. The truth is that where I've been is buried beneath homework, and sick for the last few weeks. I picked up a nasty flu, and haven't been able to shake it, and I've been feeling worse, then better, then worse again for weeks.

Phillip's been here pretty much nonstop, taking care of me while I cycle in and out, popping antibiotics, and hoping that it'll finally kick out of my system. Hope springs eternal, but at least I haven't landed in the hospital, which is a nice change of pace. Coughing crap out, and spewing green stuff sucks, I don't recommend it for anyone.

I'm working on a 12 page research paper for one of my classes, and starting the home stretch toward finals, wrapping up the fall semester for college, and looking toward spring, and lining up my little ducks in a row for next year, you know, the basic ongoing stuff.

I've got a series of Dr's appointments scheduled for the next couple of weeks as well, but there's not a lot new there, that's pretty common for me.

Oh, and last but definitely not least, my long-time best friend Danny became a Daddy on November 1, 2009. He has the most adorable little boy, so many congratulations and happiness to him and his girlfriend. I'd post pictures, but I don't do that kind of thing :P