--a noteworthy aside--

Don't follow me to try and be like me, because there's not really a reason. Don't base your self-worth on what I'm doing. What I do, or don't, or choose to do shouldn't have any impact on anyone's life but my own. I'm sorry when my choices hurt someone else, I truly am, but I've long since stopped doing anything based on whether or not it's going to impact anyone else's life, and other people should do the same.

Whether I write something, update something, edit something, make things visible or not has nothing to do with anything that's visible to the general population of the internet. It's just not as a general rule. There are some days that I change out something, just because I decided that I wanted to match the background of my text editor to my new hair color, or what color shoes I have on. It's often just as random as that, and as thoughtless.

I know that, frequently, I get calls and emails because people think that what I'm writing is in direct relation to something having to do with them. Or that they've been locked out of something, or that I'm upset with someone. The truth is, I probably heard something on the news, read it on a blog, or saw something in a cloud that made me think a weird thought, and it ended up online, or made me want to switch out a setting, and there's no reason to think it had anything to do with anyone.

Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery. It's more of a lack of being able to think of anything original for yourself. *sigh* I should know, I'm usually the person who thinks up something first, and then looks around and realizes a lot of people are now imitating me, and wanting to be like me, and I then stop doing something I was enjoying, because I don't *like* sycophants, and mindless drones who want to orbit around me trying to be like me. I'm sure other people enjoy having an entourage, but I'm not one of them. I don't *want* the spotlight, I don't *want* to be the center of attention. I never did, it just sort of was a side effect of what I'm told is an overwhelming personality.

I used to claim that I just don't see it, the effect I have on people, that I'm oblivious to it. But the truth is that I'm aware now, that people are drawn to me. But I'm not asking for that, and I don't crave it. I'm aware that it's there, but I'm not going seeking the attention. A lot of people hate me for it. Mostly women, the ones who want the spotlight, and the attention and who want to have those admirers. I've learned finally to accept and deal with that.

I was told recently that there can only be one "queen" in a group of people, and that's true. But I have no desire to be that "queen". I'm just here, and if people want to attempt to follow my lead, I can't prevent that. But I'm very tired of being imitated, and extremely exhausted by the amount of vitriol spewed in my direction by the people who want that attention, and the followers who I guess decided they liked me, or whatever it is that I'm doing. The people who can't share a spotlight, and as a result spend their time bashing me, and trying to tear me down to make themselves look better. In the long run, it doesn't do any real damage to me, because I've learned that I'm a good enough person that the lies jealous people spread tend to twist in on themselves, and people still like me. But in the short term? It's a pain in my ass.

I'm not sure why it is that people want to base their self-esteem on how many people like them anyhow, but I more or less accept that there are people like that. I'm not out to collect friends, and hold a popularity contest. I simply don't care enough to bother. I have my circle, and my circle is secure. I like the people I like, and they're good enough judges of character that they don't really need to have a popularity contest either. But while trying to join in 'regular' groups, and hanging out at random events, it becomes tedious. Which is why I rarely bother. It feels like high school, and ridiculous. At my age, who needs the aggravation?