The post topic line is actually a line from a song, that I think is by Phil Collins? I might be wrong though. I've had it sort of playing on repeat in my head all day, but I have earplugs in, so it isn't as though I'm actually hearing the song. And I don't know offhand all of the lyrics, just a few. Kind of peculiar, if you ask me. Not that anyone is actually asking me anything, since I can't hear anything (which trust me, is a blessing to me, and anyone who happens to have to deal with me today).
I know that at the best of times, I can be warm, loving, caring and compassionate. Supportive, exuberant, uplifting and playful. I *can be* a lot of fun. At the worst? I'm argumentative and pessimistic and have the frustrating habit of zeroing in on any and all flaws in an argument, and picking them apart one by one.
I can make someone absolutely crazy, and want to beat me over the head in sheer frustration, when it seems for all the world as though I'm intentionally being difficult or missing the point. I'm actually not, usually, unless we're already in the middle of a pissing contest to prove something. And even then, for the most part lately, I'll just back down because I'm not much interested in winning any contests these days. Some of my competitive spirit isn't as strong as it used to be. Mostly I challenge myself, not others. Where was I going with this?
Oh, yes. Me being a pain in the ass. And missing the point. I know it frustrates people, when I seem to be missing the point. Been happening a lot lately. When I can't quite wrap my head around an idea, or a problem, or even a freaking school assignment, I just get frustrated, and it leads to being confused, and then exasperated, primarily with myself. And the more someone tries to explain it, the more upset I seem to get sometimes, because it actually ends up with me feeling attacked, whether or not it's valid. And it bothers me, how fast I get defensive. I know I'm not actually being attacked.
I'm sort of surprised my computer has survived this semester, with how often I've been frustrated with my classes. No matter how often I attempt some of the assignments, I'm still confused. And I attempt to get help, and more often than not, I end up still lost, and then feel stupid as the tutors end up throwing their hands up in frustration with me, thinking I'm simply ignoring what they're saying, when that isn't the case at all. I just can't make what they're saying line up in my head, to make any sense to me with the textbook. And it sucks. So I keep trying, in the hope that if they try a different approach, it will make sense, and then I will understand, and I won't be confused anymore. But I think they're under the impression that I'm just ignoring what they're saying entirely, and it's some kind of joke. And that blows chunks.
Am I just doing it wrong? Do I just pretend for everyone's sake that I understand what I don't? Smile and nod agreeably, so that no one is frustrated when I can't make my mind do what I want it to do? Or do I drive everyone crazy by asking the same question a dozen times, in different ways, in the hope that one of those ways is going to trigger something so it will make it so I can grasp it?
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