Hmm, updates from all over

Still can't decide whether or not I was being questioned about my thoughts, or being questioned about whether or not I knew what I was actually talking about. I'm not altogether certain it matters overly much, except in my own mind. I'm feeling a little raw at the moment, and am given to taking offense easily, so it may just be me right now. Hair-trigger temper and whatnot. In other news, having nothing to do with my ridiculously short temper, and my inability to control it:

I *finally* have managed to catch up, and grasp, what's going on in the linguistics course I'm taking. Gods be blessed, it only took eight chapters for me to stop feeling like the proverbial town idiot. Well, perhaps that's an exaggeration. I stopped feeling like the town fool around chapter six, and now feel more or less comfortable with the material in chapter eight. Unfortunately, I still need to take/pass the tests for chapters six and seven. Should smooth after that though, which will make my life a lot less stressful.

Psyche is still going beautifully, and I really like the course. And the professor who teaches it. She's terrific. The other classes? Well, I'm passing them, that's all I have to say for them. They're there, and you gotta go, right? Such is life.

I'm enrolled for the fall semester, thanks to my absolutely fabulous guidance counselor. She is indeed well-suited to her profession, and while I'd love to say that's a job I'd like, I don't think I have the patience to do it. Well, there's that, and the fact that I have absolutely no idea what one would need to do to pursue such a career. I wouldn't want to be a regular counselor, I'd want to do specifically what she does, which is work with students like me, and I don't think you get to pick and choose among the student-body group like that. I know she specializes in my group subset, which is awesome, but I doubt that's all she does.

Count 'em out, people, I'm enrolled for 16 units for the fall semester. Because I'm cool :P Or crazy. Possibly both. Most likely both, as a matter of fact. I'm actually running late on going out tonight, to be writing this journal entry, simply because this is more soothing that my original plans. Tomorrow will be a day of study, followed by introspection. And Monday is most decidedly a day of tests. Lots and lots of flaming tests. Evidently whoever is in charge has decided to see how well I can hold up under pressure, and Monday will be that testing day.

Unfortunately, I *still* have a mountain of keyboarding to work my way through, like 9 assignments that I am absolutely lagging on, and I know that I'm procrastinating on them, but they are frustrating me to absolutely no end, which is why I keep ignoring them. I will actually buckle down and do them tomorrow, and work my way through the other assignments that are drifting about as well, just to get it out of the way. I have a few things I need to be able to focus solidly on next week, and my attention needs to be undivided for that.

For those of you who have asked, and I haven't been very forthcoming about it, here are the current updates from all over: My MRI and bone scan came back flawless. All systems are currently go with that, it would appear that I am in full functional (as good as it gets at any rate) condition. The batch of lab work that was run two weeks ago, for the bloodwork that was sent out to San Francisco's lab, for the various standardized CBC panel, and the more complex cancer workup that they have available there, those results should have been back in last Tuesday. They were not. When I called to try and find out why I didn't get the results back on time, all they could tell me was that something went wrong, and the test was being re-run, and I need to give another complete batch to be resent. Unfortunately, another complete batch means that I have to wait until next Wednesday for me to have created enough to be able to give a full draw. All *I* know is that something is either really, really out of whack, or what they had to work with got contaminated. And no one can actually give me a straight answer, because they'd be idiots to admit they mishandled the samples.

Essentially, I'm sitting around quietly trying to not rip my hair out, and not panic while I wait for it to be Wednesday so they can get the results slammed through. They're running out of time, and everything needs to go smoothly. I believe the term here is "down to the wire", followed closely by "go-time". I don't know what will happen, exactly, if those results don't come back with an all-clear. I *do* know, that as it stands right now, I do *not* have a tumor, or a speck of a tumor, inside of my head. That alone should be enough to be able to sign off for everything to roll smoothly on the fifth. But I don't know for certain whether or not they're thinking I might have managed to get something new someplace else. And wondering is sort of sucking right now.

Danny wanted to know today how I'm holding up, or if I'm scared, and my response was that it doesn't matter how I'm holding up, or whether or not I'm afraid. It has to be done, and there isn't anyone else who can do it, except me. There's not someone who can hold my hand, and make it easier for me, and do it for me. There's just not. At this point, I'm not even certain that I want there to be. The one thing I've learned in the last eighteen months is that the one person that I can depend on unfailingly, is myself. When it's difficult, and it hurts, and I feel like things are going to break into a million pieces, I can still pull it together, and depend on myself. It's not fun, it's not easy, and it never gets easier. But looking to depend on others is a really good way to get let down, at a time when I really can't handle anything else.

And that's not to say that I'm not slowly learning to trust anyone, because in all honesty, I am. But it's going to be a long, slow, uphill road. I'm not in a hurry to find what I once was looking for. I'm more content these days, to enjoy the company of others, without necessarily trying to have it be anything more than that. Things that I can feel beneath the surface, I choose to ignore most of the time now. I wonder, if what I ignore, is what most other people never actually feel to begin with? Perhaps that would be easier...