I am so inordinately exhausted. Have been for days, actually, although I haven't particularly been going out of my way to advertise the fact. There didn't seem to be a whole lot of point. I'm still doing what needs to be done, and handling the myriad things that I always handle, because it's what I do, right?

And tomorrow I'll go, and handle all of the meetings that are lined up, and talk to all the people that need to be dealt with, and when everything is neatly wrapped up, I'll go and I'll crawl into quiet oblivion somewhere, and attempt to block everything out with earplugs, and try to process everything then. Maybe. Or maybe I won't, I haven't exactly decided yet. I'm honestly not sure I'm even up to trying.

To be perfectly honest, what I am most is conflicted. I spent weeks listening to a back and forth maybe yes, maybe no, okay yes, wait, no. Until I finally made the negative decision, because it was, once again, the right thing to do, because that's what I always end up having to do. To make it easier for someone else, in spite of what I might have wanted for myself, or what would have been easier for me personally.

And what right this moment feels (and I realize it's an exaggeration) like five minutes later, I had a hypothetical proposition laid before me, so I could try and assimilate an idea. Something about whether or not I was alright with it, and how I'd handle it. And when my flat-out objection, and strong opposition was laid out? I'm trying to puzzle out why, precisely, it was presented to me in the first place.

Evidently that proposition wasn't even vaguely accurate, so why bother with the pretense? Why involve me at all? I didn't want to be brought into that mess. To wit, I'm tired of being caught in the middle of all of it. This problem isn't mine. The complications, the misery, the difficulties, the poor planning? None of that is my problem. If my advice is going to be sought and have it be actively honestly considered, that's one thing. But it isn't. It appears to simply be some sort of chip laid on the ground to be kicked back and forth, and I don't want to be the soccer ball between.

I didn't do anything to be there. The only life I can live anymore is mine. Everything else? All the rest? Just...leave me out of it. I don't quite understand what it is that you seem to want from me, I honestly don't. Bending backwards and sideways, trying to grasp what it is I was supposed to be, or do, or say. And at the end of the day, in spite of everything, I just can't seem to follow it.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not saying the right thing. I'm sorry that I didn't respond the way I guess I was supposed to. Maybe I'm just not capable of being that person, or pretending to be someone I'm not. I've been biting through my tongue for weeks to not say anything at all. And now, finally, I understand why. Because it's not my place to be anything else other than me. That's not my life to live, this one is. Not my choice to make, and I have no voice in it. I don't have anything that I can do that will change me being me, and I wish that I did. I hate that it hurts you.

I've always hated hurting you, and you know that.