Random

Ezzie must know that something is driving me crazy, because he's absolutely crawling all over me, trying to cuddle. And while I appreciate his support, it's making it rather difficult to type, or get anything else accomplished either. We'll go to bed in a few minutes, after I finish writing this post, because it's late, and I'm sleepy.

The headsets for my cell phones are *both* broken, which means I need to go and get a replacement model, as I can't drive/talk without one, and that isn't going to work for me for very long. I'll have to either order one in the next couple of days, or go to the Tmobile or AT&T store on Monday. Not sure which yet, I can't quite decide. I have two headsets, but I really only like one of them, and I'm not sure that the model I like best is still for sale locally, or if I can only get it online. Much the suck.

I *think* I'm going to be taking a slight hiatus from school this summer, I won't know for absolute certain until after I talk to my counselor on the 30th, but I think that's what's going to happen. So I'm going to be working this summer instead, doing what I was doing before I started school again. And I'm looking into getting a regular job, if I can get hired, as a seasonal thing in September/October. If that pans out, it'll mean I work from February-ish, through May, or thereabouts. But the upside is that it'll bring in enough money to supplement what I'd need without me stressing about money in any capacity. It's just something for me to think about. I'm going to be talking to a few other people, and to the vocational rehab training people if and when I move, to see if there are programs available to me that I might have missed. I want to see what's available now, that wasn't four years ago.

And it might not work. I might not even be capable, and I know and accept that, it's a risk that I'm taking, but it might be worth it in the long run, and so I'm willing to try. I've been doing a lot of that lately, taking risks to see how things might pan out, to see if I can be happier. Some of them have worked, and some haven't.

And in the end, it's all been worth the risk, even if it didn't necessarily go the way I'd hoped. And I finally see that I'm okay with it.

My life isn't ever going to look like any cookie cutter traditional version of happiness. There isn't going to be a husband and 2.5 children, with a house, and a yard, and a dog and a cat. There aren't going to be family picnics and anniversaries and holidays with gifts and people sitting around a table.

That isn't me. Maybe it could have been, but that's the life I chose to walk away from, and the life that gives me happiness actually doesn't include anything in that description except my cat. Right now everything is completely out of control with my emotions, and it's kind of swamping me. A lot of that has to do with stress, and my needing to simply get through until April 7th, and then I'll be able to get back to some kind of baseline. For good or ill, my emotions are going to keep flying from high to low until then, while I wait for the storm to pass and to clear that five year mark.

I am living inside of my own head a lot these days, words rushing around in circles, to the point that I sometimes think I might just start screaming if it doesn't stop. Someone had told me how to make it stop, and now I can't remember what they said. Which is frustrating in the extreme, because I never remember to ask when it's actually happening. Hey you, if you're reading this? I can't make it stop, and my brain is going crazy. Tell me again how to shut everything out. :(