When is this day or week or month going to be over?

Today is October 1st, 2008. My aunt Amy died this morning, and I got the truly exciting activity of going to identify her body this afternoon. And that hammered home for me today just how truly alone I am now. I did what needed to be done, and I found my grandfather, thanks to a wonderful woman at the Coroner's office, who went above and beyond to help me track an address, and locate him. He's safe with me now, until my parents can get into town, so that he can move out there with them.

But that wasn't where I was going with this. I realized today, when I viewed a body alone, that that's how it is now. I have built my life, and walled it in. Partly by choice, and partly out of necessity.

But the end result has become the same. When the chips fell today? I stood alone. And when I go to sleep tonight? There will be no one here, to hold me, and to let me cry on their shoulder. I am alone. The few people that I trust enough to let that close? Are either too far away to simply go and garner comfort from them, or they are here, but are too busy with their lives to make it practical.

I am separate, and isolated, and it's painful. It was painfully obvious today. It is painfully obvious tonight. Will I call, and cry on someone? No, of course not. Will I beg for solace and comfort from anyone, and show the weakness that I feel, and accept that I need something?

No, that I won't. Because I tried to ask for help today. And was rebuffed. I remember now, clearly, why it is that I stopped trying to ask for help, stopped admitting that I couldn't do everything for myself in the first place.

A few days ago, I made a comment to a friend, about how much I envied her the strength that she draws from the love she shares with her partner. And she questioned me about it. I guess it struck her as very strange, the way I phrased it. It makes her strong, that love. And she asks me what it is that makes me strong. The only answer I had to give her was "purpose". Love never worked for me.

I'm strong. But I have purpose, I get things done. Even when I'm about to shatter. Even when everything around me is crashing down, and all I want to do is sit and cry, and scream about how unfair it is, and how everything hurts. I still move forward, and move on, and get things done. I have purpose. That's where my strength lies. Love doesn't make me strong. Purpose does. I guess everyone has something.

I would have dearly loved to just sit and stop today, when I got that call. I would rather have sat and cried, and let it be handled by someone else. But I wasn't willing to let my grandfather view the body of his beloved daughter. I was who was here, and it had to be done. And when no one was here to help me? I did what needed to be done, because that's what I do. It sucked. But it got done.

And now? My grandfather is sitting behind me, on a recliner, with my cat. He's watching a Disney movie, and he's doing as well as can be expected. And I'm sitting here, quiet and alone. There is no one to comfort me. There never is, because this isn't the type of thing that I can call my new "buddy" Josh for. This isn't the type of situation for that.

I have my online friends, which is nice, I suppose. But you can't get a hug through a monitor. And sure, the local people here said the right things, and I give them full points for it. But they have their lives. Sissa would have driven directly here, if I would have let her, but I wouldn't. She has school, as do I, and it's the Jewish high holidays. Shawn is blowing the shofar for the ceremonies, and there is nothing she can do here for me, and I'll see her over the weekend. But I appreciate that she was willing to drop absolutely everything she was doing, to drive directly here. She must have offered six times.

I think I might have gotten off track a bit. Where I was going with that was that I realized that while I'm going to continue living here, I've accepted that I am truly alone here now. There is no one else. Even in an emergency, there's just me. And I needed to see the reality of that, and make contingency plans now, for that. I guess somewhere, I hadn't completely accepted it. And I have now.

But sometimes? Sometimes I still just want someone to hold at night, and a shoulder to cry on.