Secret word of the week

My word of the week this week is:

"solitary"

As defined by www.dictionary.com

And a slight update for my life, because I choose to not make a different post. My grandfather is still with me, for another week or so, and then he'll be moving up north, to live with another of his children, not to Nevada, as I had originally thought. He seems to be doing alright, although it's kind of hard to tell from day to day. I'm still holding things together, because that's what I do. I'm not sure how well I'll hold it together once he's gone.

I'm more or less buried under schoolwork, and this is mid-term week as well, which is going to be...complicated, with my grandfather here, but I'll manage. I hope? There isn't a lot I can do. I am under a colossal amount of stress, and once things are settled with my Aunt Amy's body, and my grandfather is settled up north, I suspect that I will pull further back into my shell than I had before.

I would ordinarily apologize now, for the feelings I might be about to bruise by my pulling away from people, but I'm not going to anymore. Everyone said all the right things about being there if I need them, and how I can always call, during my time of need or whatever this last week. But when it came right down to it, I know now exactly who I can count on, when I really *need* someone. The people who actually physically showed up, and were willing to drop everything when there was truly an emergency in *my* life, the same way I always have for everyone else.

And I have to admit, that I'm feeling really raw, and really hurt. There is one person who didn't make it to my side, and the only thing that prevented her/them from being here? Was sheer distance, or she'd've been standing here right now, and I know it. So for my EastCoast sweetheart, know that. I know very well that if you could have, you'd be sitting here eating chocolate with me, and this doesn't apply to you. On the other hand, she's called, every day, and done nothing but asked how I am, and listened to me rant, and said nothing about all the problems I know damned well she's been dealing with. And I appreciate that more than I can even begin to express. I love you.

So yes. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed, and I'm just...tired. I'm tired of all of it. I have bent over backwards, for everyone, and I rarely actually ask anything for myself, of anyone. I listen to everybody's problems, and don't really ask for anybody to try and help me out with mine. But this week? I *needed* help. If nothing else, I needed support, and comfort.

And I freely admit, that I said, at the complete base of the pit of hell, that all I really wanted was Phillip, this week. And three people who honestly would rather have eaten nails, than heard me say those words? Those three people, I know now, actually did what they could, to try and find him for me. Because I hurt, and I didn't and don't want to be alone. And that would have made me feel better. And knowing that they were all three willing to suck it up, and try to make it better for me, meant worlds to me. I know they don't approve. I know what it cost them, to try and do that for me, whether he showed up or not.

I feel...empty. I feel solitary, and lost. Trying to keep my grandfather going, and trying to figure out why I feel alone and empty is hard. And I've been tempted, more tempted than I like admitting, to do something utterly stupid, and I've fought that off. I had and have too many people counting on me. My little brother would be crushed to see me crumble. My grandfather needs me too much. I don't have the option of falling apart.

But now? Now that I'm still holding it together? I've decided that I'm not sure anymore, whether I want to keep trying to make time for, and help out, everyone else...When apparently, no one cares enough to do that for me, not when it really matters. I realize that it's not supposed to be something kept score of. And I don't generally keep a running tally of such things. But at this point, I have completely depleted emotional reserves. And when something damages you this badly, it becomes difficult to care about anyone anymore, when they show such little concern, really. And fluffy words are so easy to say, when there's no real action behind them.

I need to think. And when my thinking is done, then my decisions will most likely be made.