Blogging about life

I haven't been blogging, I needed to think about some things, and I've now done that. I have a new theme song, for my life. I heard it on the radio, as I drove back to Grandma Kitty's house, for her 80th birthday party. It's by a woman named Leona Lewis, and it's called "Better in Time". Lyrics thusly:

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice
Boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

So that caught my attention while I was driving, enough for me to go and figure out who sings it, and pull it down for iTunes. I was surprised to realize, on that day, that yes I actually do finally believe that I deserve to smile again. Even as everything for the last couple of weeks has been complete and utter chaos around me, while it certainly feels like mine, and many others' lives, have gone completely to shit, I still think I deserve to smile.

Everything will get better. Ripping off a band-aid from a fresh-healed wound hurts too, but it still gets better once you've torn it off. And I was surprised. So I decided that was my new anthem.

I cut a lot of people out of my life at the beginning of October, when I had to deal with Amy's death, and no one was here for me. Cut a lot of people off completely, and I'm sure a lot of people are either hurt, or angry, or both. So am I. Angry at myself, for letting things go on as long as I did, and for allowing myself to keep repeating the same cycles, which ended with me being damaged, and alone.

If I'm going to be alone, it will be by choice now, and not because I was abandoned. And I'm okay with that. The small circle of people I've chosen to keep close to me, I know I can count on, and that's how I choose to keep it. Interestingly, I have a male interest as well, long-distance interest. The irony of the situation being that I can now hold myself up for a certain amount of ridicule due to my long-held opinion of long-distance relationships and their lack of stability, etc. I spend most of my time on the phone talking, since I can't be there. It's kind of amusing, even to myself.

And, for the sake of equal funnies, he's Jewish. And there's another Jewish boy up there too, with Jeremiah. His name is Josh, and he's "a short, fat, Jewish guy, with a stomach that's a fuel tank for a sex machine." Josh wishes the world to know that he's available in Washington. Requirements? Must bring Challah. Josh is pretty funny, although it's Jeremiah that I spend most of my time talking to. Well, usually. Unless I'm on speakerphone, then I talk to both of them.

Where was I going with this? They distracted me. Oh yes. Josh wants someone to bring him Challah. And Jeremiah is talking about wanting someone to beat him. They're both Jewish, would most likely make my dad happy, and perhaps I should start checking out Jewish boys? Who knows.

I have a shitload of homework I should technically be doing, and not blogging on the internets, but this seemed like more fun right now.

But on a more serious note. My grandfather is up north now, with my aunt, and he'll be settled there. My life is kind of settling back down into a routine, now that he's gone, although I have to admit it was nice, to spend some time with him. My biggest problem is honestly that I've grown too solitary in my ways, over the last six months, and I simply can't adjust anymore to sharing my space. There was too much for me to handle. I can't hack it anymore. I want to be able to do everything, and I can't.

It makes me feel like a failure, that I can't be what I need to be, to take care of him, but I know that I can't. And I hate that. But rather than simply run myself into the ground, and fail everyone, I did the best I could, and let it go. That's all I could do.

Mid-terms week was a nightmare. I managed to hold most of it together, and the last of it is still going on this week. I have one more set of Mastery tests to do tomorrow during the day, and two summaries to post, and some vocabulary tests to take, and I'll be clear. Well, at least on mid-terms. I still need to catch up the rest of the classes. I constantly feel like I'm dropping behind on something, but there isn't much I can do about any of that. It's a constant race to somewhere, but I haven't yet figured out where, precisely.

I go in next week to sign up for the spring semester classes, and while I know for sure what three of the four are, I'm debating in my head on taking the health class. I think I might talk to my counselor and see if I can take one more English course, instead of health. Not sure, though. We'll see what she recommends. Either way, I *know* I want all four online only, because I do *not* want to be going on-campus at all next semester. First, I can't afford the gas. Second, I can't afford to keep replacing my clothes while I keep shrinking constantly. And finally, I just don't want to come into contact with anyone for six or so months, while I put myself back together again. Not for school, at any rate.

I've enjoyed the online courses more than the hybrid class for school. I'll be grateful once that class is over. It isn't the class itself, although that is difficult enough. It's the stress involved with the face-to-face aspect of it. I need the break from the fear factor of human contact that I'm having panic attacks from. I'll breach that some other time, but not right now.

I think I've covered everything I want to say for right now, and I definitely need to get some sleep, before I haul it out of bed in three hours, and start all over again. School, homework, life. The never-ending repetitive aspect that I'm kind of glad to have back again.

Goodnight internets.