I'm not even sure what I wanted to write about right now. Just knew that I needed to write something. I'm in a very strange mood today. Fortunately, there isn't really anyone here to watch me be in this mood. Things are piling up again. It feels sort of like the roof is about to cave in on top of me. So many things spinning around and around.
I got busted (for lack of a better word) yesterday by the management here, because I was using the pool. Oh, the horror. Not that there was *anyone* in the pool area using it, that I would've been disturbing. But, busted nonetheless. So we went in to fill out the application to add me to the lease. I honestly am not sure whether or not they're going to be dicks about it. Things are complicated enough right now without having to worry about where I'm living. It kind of sucks.
I've finally gotten around to dealing with some emotional bullshit that I tend to just shove into a little corner and ignore. That generally works for me, putting my emotional problems into a little box and ignoring them. Until they explode, that is. It doesn't work then. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt, by what Courtney did, and how she did it. It isn't like I walk around crying my eyes out. Not my style. But on the other hand, it still hurts. She isn't the person I thought she was. She isn't the person she used to be. And I have to deal with that, and say goodbye in my own way. And I can't handle it the way I used to, by lashing out and, essentially, punishing the one who hurt me. And that was how I knew how to deal with pain. If I was hurting, I'd hurt them more. So now I'm saying goodbye to what was a friendship of more than half of my life. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at the good things from the last 15 years, but right now, all I am is angry. Forgive and forget, not so much. I guess in my own way I forgave her. But I'll never forget. And I won't make the attempt again.
'Chelle and I have had our differences over the years. I guess I never really realized just how much she means to me, as a part of my life. This mess with Courtney has shown me some things I never really sit down and think about. I won't open myself back up to Courtney again, not now, not ever. I don't know for sure if that means that she wasn't as important as 'Chelle to me. I don't know what it means. But I have figured out something else. 'Chelle and I have had massive blowouts. And one or the other of us always drifts back and we make up. I know her, her faults, her mistakes. All the things that make her *her*. I know what she's thinking, and how she feels most of the time. She's the first person I think to call when something is going on. I know that she'll be anywhere I need her. I kind of nonchalantly refer to her as my best friend, or me as her best friend. I don't really think about it. Maybe I should. But when it comes down to it, we've both grown and changed since we first met. And we've been round and round and round. But when it comes back around, the people we finally are now, we're good people. And I'm glad we managed to hold on to that. Boys, friends, problems, differences. We pushed past it, and ended up here. And that's not a bad thing. And I'm grateful. Everyone needs one good, solid friend. And I have two. 'Chelle and Danny. Both are here without question, anytime I need them.
Okay, that was a ramble I hadn't intended on.
Looks like my mom got her house. Paperwork is going through. I'm not sure where it is, or anything else. She's still getting married at the beginning of June. I'll be going up for the wedding. I probably won't stay long, because of the stuff I have going on here at home. But it will be nice to see her married to someone who doesn't suck. And it's been nice watching her be happy for the last year and a half. In spite of all the health issues going on and whatnot, they're still happy. I wish I could be there more, spend more time with them, but I can't. My home is here. It is what it is.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Out comes the evil...
Yeah, maybe not. So tonight we are watching "The Prestige". It's pretty good, though a little slow. Neat take on the art of performer magicians.
And tomorrow I'll be spending doing a combination of things. I'll be sitting at home, waiting for a delivery. And doing laundry. And doing alterations on the clothes coming in the delivery. Loads of fun. Loads of something at any rate.
Pretty much all the electronics in my house seem to be taking a dump, one right after another. So far Danny's desktop PC, his Mac, his work laptop have all failed in one way or another. I'm starting to get a complex. Essentially every time that I touch something these days, I shoot sparks, or something zaps, and I'm thinking it has something to do with all the electronic disruptions. I've even tried to get rid of the excess energy, but nothing I've done seems to help.
It's heating up in Fresno again, so perhaps sometime soon, I'll be able to use the apartment pool instead of the gym pool. It doesn't seem to be holding steady for heat though, so I keep sticking to the heated pool.
This movie is very odd. It amounts to being Batman versus Wolverine. At least, the actors who play Batman and Wolverine. And they're both jerks in this film. Pretty entertaining nonetheless.
I'm going to go finish watching it, and possibly drink a bottle of milk, and then get some snuggles, because I've felt very odd and miserable all day, and I took it all out on Danny, even though honestly, I don't think he was intentionally trying to upset me.
And btw, Danny, I'm sorry I yelled, about the computers and the feeling stupid or whatever earlier. I'm going to believe you that you don't mean for it to end up coming across to me as me being stupid.
So yeah. Goodnight. I'll blog more tomorrow.
And tomorrow I'll be spending doing a combination of things. I'll be sitting at home, waiting for a delivery. And doing laundry. And doing alterations on the clothes coming in the delivery. Loads of fun. Loads of something at any rate.
Pretty much all the electronics in my house seem to be taking a dump, one right after another. So far Danny's desktop PC, his Mac, his work laptop have all failed in one way or another. I'm starting to get a complex. Essentially every time that I touch something these days, I shoot sparks, or something zaps, and I'm thinking it has something to do with all the electronic disruptions. I've even tried to get rid of the excess energy, but nothing I've done seems to help.
It's heating up in Fresno again, so perhaps sometime soon, I'll be able to use the apartment pool instead of the gym pool. It doesn't seem to be holding steady for heat though, so I keep sticking to the heated pool.
This movie is very odd. It amounts to being Batman versus Wolverine. At least, the actors who play Batman and Wolverine. And they're both jerks in this film. Pretty entertaining nonetheless.
I'm going to go finish watching it, and possibly drink a bottle of milk, and then get some snuggles, because I've felt very odd and miserable all day, and I took it all out on Danny, even though honestly, I don't think he was intentionally trying to upset me.
And btw, Danny, I'm sorry I yelled, about the computers and the feeling stupid or whatever earlier. I'm going to believe you that you don't mean for it to end up coming across to me as me being stupid.
So yeah. Goodnight. I'll blog more tomorrow.
Just because I'm not a technogeek
Doesn't mean I'm a fucking idiot. Why can't you just listen to me? And possibly actually answer what it is that I'm asking, instead of treating me like an incompetent six year old who doesn't have a clue?
If I ask a specific question about the fucking computer, it means I have a decent idea of what I'm asking, and I'm not just fishing around in left field. When I *am* just trying to follow a concept, I FUCKING SAY THAT.
Stop treating me like I'm stupid, just because I can't dismantle a tower. Just for reference, I probably can put the damned thing together. Amazing what you can learn from a book.
If I want to know what type of tower you need, *THEN ANSWER THAT*. I'm not asking whether or not the stupid thing is going to match the color scheme, I'm asking what it needs in the way of a power supply. So don't treat me like an incompetent.
If I ask a specific question about the fucking computer, it means I have a decent idea of what I'm asking, and I'm not just fishing around in left field. When I *am* just trying to follow a concept, I FUCKING SAY THAT.
Stop treating me like I'm stupid, just because I can't dismantle a tower. Just for reference, I probably can put the damned thing together. Amazing what you can learn from a book.
If I want to know what type of tower you need, *THEN ANSWER THAT*. I'm not asking whether or not the stupid thing is going to match the color scheme, I'm asking what it needs in the way of a power supply. So don't treat me like an incompetent.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Life isn't fair
Why? Huh? Just because things are going reasonably well? I didn't *do* anything special. Yay, I loaded a load of laundry into the freaking washing machine. Yahoo. And now, for no reason I can ascertain, the *right* side of my lower back has decided it hates me. Now, the left side *always* hates me. We have an agreement. It stays down to a tolerable level, and I don't drug it into unconsciousness. That agreement had been working just fine for me, until the stupid right side decided it wanted to get into the act.
So now I'm sitting here on my stupid chair, typing, because standing, leaning, moving, thinking, walking and basically breathing fucking hurts. And it's a nice steady throb, until I do something like breathe. At which point it escalates into stabby. Yay.
So I popped some painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and if those don't work, we'll see just what else I can come up with. In the end, it might be unconsciousness for me, since my right side doesn't have the same standing agreement as the left side.
Stupid body. Stupid back. Stupid health problems. It's not fair.
So now I'm sitting here on my stupid chair, typing, because standing, leaning, moving, thinking, walking and basically breathing fucking hurts. And it's a nice steady throb, until I do something like breathe. At which point it escalates into stabby. Yay.
So I popped some painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and if those don't work, we'll see just what else I can come up with. In the end, it might be unconsciousness for me, since my right side doesn't have the same standing agreement as the left side.
Stupid body. Stupid back. Stupid health problems. It's not fair.
And once upon a midnight clear...
Today was payday. Could've been worse. I'm quite proud of myself for my ninja skills that I utilized on the last payday, which is why we're still okay today. I guess maybe money problems are just something that everyone has to deal with, and it's an all-the-time thing. I don't really know. But things are okay.
We've decided to let Schwans go, unless we specifically order something from them. I like it, they have really good food, and it's convenient, but it's not really conducive to saving money. I think I can either duplicate, or find alternatives for all the things I buy from them, for about 1/3 of the cost. We'll probably spend some time this weekend looking around to see if we can find stuff like that. And damnit, I'm out of peas. I need peas! Which tells me my sugar kick might finally be ending, if I'm craving vegetables again instead of cake. Yay!
On a completely different note: 'Chelle went and got me headphones. She knew that Ezzie once again ate mine, which left me with no headphones to use while I watch things on my computer, and so she called to check which kind I like, and she bought me headphones. I feel so loved. Come to think of it, the last thing I really *REALLY* wanted was the game guide for Oblivion, and my hetero life partner is who got me that too. I just didn't have the money for it, and so she bought it for me as a present :) Thank joo!
Our Xbox is being shipped back to the MS guys, who swear they'll fix it, or send us a different one. Either way, we'll be back up and running soon, and I can once again submerge myself in the crack that is xbox. Wheee. I missed being able to play, so I'll be happy when it's fixed.
Things are...honestly, things are going to be okay. I spent yesterday with 'Chelle, and it always makes me remember that just the two of us out BS'ing around is fun. We share so many of the same interests, and experiences, that it makes it very pleasant to just kick back together and babble about nothing. Danny and I are doing fine. Things are just kind of motoring along.
I have a project I'll be working on for the next couple of weeks. If it all pans out, then that might help us out money-wise too. But that's like, a long-term kind of thing, so I'm not expecting immediate profit or anything from it. It cost me 10 bucks to get the supplies to work on it, and I should have a good time screwing around assembling it. That's enough for me.
I'm still working my way through "Charmed", which is still entertaining me.
Kat is still doing incredibly well with her physical therapy, even though I'm not the one who is taking her anymore. I haven't had another seizure, but I've also been being exceeding cautious about what I do. I'm kind of sad that I can't be there cheering for her while she hits all the milestones as she does it, but I'd rather someone else takes her, than risk her being in a vehicle with me driving and us getting into some type of accident and injuring her worse. She has a tall enough hill to climb without getting into an accident because of me and my random seizure thing. I'm not willing to drive anybody right now, for safety's sake.
I'm planning on writing a long letter to my aunt, because I've developed an interest in my family geneaology. I know more or less where I come from and from whom, but it would be interesting to find out all the details. I'll probably be bugging Mom and Jack for answers to my questions too, so be prepared, guys. I'll try to hold off until you're moved and married first though :)
Things are going to be okay. No matter what, things are going to be okay. Or at least, that's how I feel right now.
We've decided to let Schwans go, unless we specifically order something from them. I like it, they have really good food, and it's convenient, but it's not really conducive to saving money. I think I can either duplicate, or find alternatives for all the things I buy from them, for about 1/3 of the cost. We'll probably spend some time this weekend looking around to see if we can find stuff like that. And damnit, I'm out of peas. I need peas! Which tells me my sugar kick might finally be ending, if I'm craving vegetables again instead of cake. Yay!
On a completely different note: 'Chelle went and got me headphones. She knew that Ezzie once again ate mine, which left me with no headphones to use while I watch things on my computer, and so she called to check which kind I like, and she bought me headphones. I feel so loved. Come to think of it, the last thing I really *REALLY* wanted was the game guide for Oblivion, and my hetero life partner is who got me that too. I just didn't have the money for it, and so she bought it for me as a present :) Thank joo!
Our Xbox is being shipped back to the MS guys, who swear they'll fix it, or send us a different one. Either way, we'll be back up and running soon, and I can once again submerge myself in the crack that is xbox. Wheee. I missed being able to play, so I'll be happy when it's fixed.
Things are...honestly, things are going to be okay. I spent yesterday with 'Chelle, and it always makes me remember that just the two of us out BS'ing around is fun. We share so many of the same interests, and experiences, that it makes it very pleasant to just kick back together and babble about nothing. Danny and I are doing fine. Things are just kind of motoring along.
I have a project I'll be working on for the next couple of weeks. If it all pans out, then that might help us out money-wise too. But that's like, a long-term kind of thing, so I'm not expecting immediate profit or anything from it. It cost me 10 bucks to get the supplies to work on it, and I should have a good time screwing around assembling it. That's enough for me.
I'm still working my way through "Charmed", which is still entertaining me.
Kat is still doing incredibly well with her physical therapy, even though I'm not the one who is taking her anymore. I haven't had another seizure, but I've also been being exceeding cautious about what I do. I'm kind of sad that I can't be there cheering for her while she hits all the milestones as she does it, but I'd rather someone else takes her, than risk her being in a vehicle with me driving and us getting into some type of accident and injuring her worse. She has a tall enough hill to climb without getting into an accident because of me and my random seizure thing. I'm not willing to drive anybody right now, for safety's sake.
I'm planning on writing a long letter to my aunt, because I've developed an interest in my family geneaology. I know more or less where I come from and from whom, but it would be interesting to find out all the details. I'll probably be bugging Mom and Jack for answers to my questions too, so be prepared, guys. I'll try to hold off until you're moved and married first though :)
Things are going to be okay. No matter what, things are going to be okay. Or at least, that's how I feel right now.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Birthdays and other days
Today was 'Chelle's birthday, so we went out and did birthday-acceptable things. I hope she enjoyed her day, because you're supposed to like your birthday.
In other news, it seems like my mom's world is tumbling into chaos. And there isn't a whole lot that I can do to help put it to rights. I kind of hope that it will occur to her that if she lived here in town, she could handle all the work related crap that is currently driving her insane without trouble, because she'd be local. And that there are nursing homes that her mother-in-law could be moved to, because I know she would require assisted living. And that her trouble employee could be squelched if she was local too...and we have houses here too. Just a thought. (Hi, Mom). I guess I figure I could help more if I was more nearby, but I don't have any viable options for moving to where she is...so maybe they could move closer to where I am? And bring her mother-in-law too? 'Chelle pointed me toward a decent nursing home locally...
Danny's home from work now, so I'm going to go and do Danny-oriented stuff :) Catch everybody later. A more in-depth update on me when I have time.
Oh, and Charmed ROCKS!
In other news, it seems like my mom's world is tumbling into chaos. And there isn't a whole lot that I can do to help put it to rights. I kind of hope that it will occur to her that if she lived here in town, she could handle all the work related crap that is currently driving her insane without trouble, because she'd be local. And that there are nursing homes that her mother-in-law could be moved to, because I know she would require assisted living. And that her trouble employee could be squelched if she was local too...and we have houses here too. Just a thought. (Hi, Mom). I guess I figure I could help more if I was more nearby, but I don't have any viable options for moving to where she is...so maybe they could move closer to where I am? And bring her mother-in-law too? 'Chelle pointed me toward a decent nursing home locally...
Danny's home from work now, so I'm going to go and do Danny-oriented stuff :) Catch everybody later. A more in-depth update on me when I have time.
Oh, and Charmed ROCKS!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Ranting
Danny's dad just doesn't get it. And I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to squelch what I have to say to him, due to a slight case of he keeps calling to ask things from Danny.
He keeps asking things like "What kind of TV will I need to go buy so I can hook up such and so". Or "Where do I go to get a TV tuner for the computer so I can watch TV on my machine?"
And you know what? I get it, he doesn't have a clue what he needs to be able to improve his tech toys. What I don't get is how exactly he can manage to so nonchalantly act as though he didn't just royally screw us over. If he'd never offered to help us get into a house, this wouldn't even be an issue for me.
But the jackass has pushed and pushed and pushed us to buy a house for *years*. And I finally agreed to make the attempt, because he said he would cough up the money needed to get the loan, etc. We wouldn't have even been *looking* had that offer not been made.
But when it came right down to it, when we found the house, got the loan agreed to. All the details were in place. Then he reneged. Claiming that they just couldn't afford to help us out after all. Nope, no money available to help like he promised. And less than two days later he's talking about the two escrows closing, which are about 15,000 dollars. And there's the 48,000 Hawaii property that just sold, that they got paid for. Yeah, completely broke. The way I do math, that sounds like he could've kept his word. But instead, he calls and asks advice on what to buy with the money he claims not to have. And he asks *DANNY*, as though he hadn't just finished telling Danny about how broke they are.
I call bullshit. And every time he calls here, I get a little more angry. And when I get more angry, I get more stressed out. And more stressed out leads to very bad consequences for me right now. And I'm tired of it. He wants to go and spend all that money, hey, not my decision. But he fucked us over. And Danny doesn't even seem to care. He cares when I'm angry, but he doesn't care enough to point out even once to his dad that he's a jackass. That he reneged on something that has effectively screwed us for the next foreseeable decade. I'm sure we'll figure something out eventually. Because we're going to have to. But buying that house would have solved the problems. And now we're right back to square one. And Danny won't stand up to him enough to even call him on his shit. And that hurts me. Because it isn't fair to me. And I realize that having to stand up to his dad is going to suck. But until he does that, his dad is going to continue to take advantage of him. Going to continue to screw him over, because he can. Because he knows there are no consequences for breaking his word. And every time he does it, it drives yet another wedge between me and Danny.
And what really sucks, is that I'm pretty sure that Steve is aware that he's causing fighting between me and Danny. He's never liked it that we're together, and he knows that he can get away with doing and saying whatever he likes, because Danny won't ever actually stand up to him and make him stop.
And the only way I can actually see that would clear the problem is to either cut him off, or confront him. Or Danny and I could break up, and I could find somewhere else to live and start over. But that won't solve Danny's problem, it'd just change the circumstances. Because he's going to do that to anyone Danny is with. And I don't really want to ruin a seven year relationship over something that I have no control over. I love Danny, and I don't even know what I would do without him...but how much is one person supposed to be able to put up with?
He keeps asking things like "What kind of TV will I need to go buy so I can hook up such and so". Or "Where do I go to get a TV tuner for the computer so I can watch TV on my machine?"
And you know what? I get it, he doesn't have a clue what he needs to be able to improve his tech toys. What I don't get is how exactly he can manage to so nonchalantly act as though he didn't just royally screw us over. If he'd never offered to help us get into a house, this wouldn't even be an issue for me.
But the jackass has pushed and pushed and pushed us to buy a house for *years*. And I finally agreed to make the attempt, because he said he would cough up the money needed to get the loan, etc. We wouldn't have even been *looking* had that offer not been made.
But when it came right down to it, when we found the house, got the loan agreed to. All the details were in place. Then he reneged. Claiming that they just couldn't afford to help us out after all. Nope, no money available to help like he promised. And less than two days later he's talking about the two escrows closing, which are about 15,000 dollars. And there's the 48,000 Hawaii property that just sold, that they got paid for. Yeah, completely broke. The way I do math, that sounds like he could've kept his word. But instead, he calls and asks advice on what to buy with the money he claims not to have. And he asks *DANNY*, as though he hadn't just finished telling Danny about how broke they are.
I call bullshit. And every time he calls here, I get a little more angry. And when I get more angry, I get more stressed out. And more stressed out leads to very bad consequences for me right now. And I'm tired of it. He wants to go and spend all that money, hey, not my decision. But he fucked us over. And Danny doesn't even seem to care. He cares when I'm angry, but he doesn't care enough to point out even once to his dad that he's a jackass. That he reneged on something that has effectively screwed us for the next foreseeable decade. I'm sure we'll figure something out eventually. Because we're going to have to. But buying that house would have solved the problems. And now we're right back to square one. And Danny won't stand up to him enough to even call him on his shit. And that hurts me. Because it isn't fair to me. And I realize that having to stand up to his dad is going to suck. But until he does that, his dad is going to continue to take advantage of him. Going to continue to screw him over, because he can. Because he knows there are no consequences for breaking his word. And every time he does it, it drives yet another wedge between me and Danny.
And what really sucks, is that I'm pretty sure that Steve is aware that he's causing fighting between me and Danny. He's never liked it that we're together, and he knows that he can get away with doing and saying whatever he likes, because Danny won't ever actually stand up to him and make him stop.
And the only way I can actually see that would clear the problem is to either cut him off, or confront him. Or Danny and I could break up, and I could find somewhere else to live and start over. But that won't solve Danny's problem, it'd just change the circumstances. Because he's going to do that to anyone Danny is with. And I don't really want to ruin a seven year relationship over something that I have no control over. I love Danny, and I don't even know what I would do without him...but how much is one person supposed to be able to put up with?
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