Pursuit of happyness

It's taken me a while, to put this blog up, because I had things I needed to do, and people who I needed to take care of, before I could. Because those people are important enough to me, to make damn certain that they were not wounded, when I put this here. Because I've been happy for a few months, and I'm happy now, and the reasons are not the same. But both are important to me. And both will continue to be important to me. I will not give up either one, although they will be completely separate in their contexts or relationships. As I continue to be who I am, and my loyalty as always will remain.

What do you do, when something that you wanted desperately, with every fiber of your being, suddenly appears in front of you, and offers you the words that you wanted to hear? That you are cherished, and you are loved, and that everything can be alright again, and there's a chance at the happiness you thought you lost, and that a mistake had been made? No secrets, no hiding, no lies. Just a chance to rectify a mistake, and a chance to be happy now. What do you do then? What do you do when an apology you thought you'd never hear is given, and everything you want is right there for the taking?

Oh, I loved him. With everything I had, with everything I was, I loved him. I didn't doubt it, I didn't question it, I gave him everything and would have given up anything if it made him happy. I took care of him, and I got broken for my efforts. And I haven't forgotten any of those things. And it took me a very long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of soul searching, and a long time, to get to where I am now. And where I am? It's a good place to be. And over the course of that time, and the very slow process of healing, I stopped being in love with him. I still care about him, still wanted to know that he was alright. But very slowly, I stopped being in love with him. And I moved on.

And it hurt. It cost me, a lot, to let that dream go. But let it go, I did. My dreams changed, and the person I became changed as well, into a much stronger, and more self-reliant person. Someone who had the ability to look at the dreams I had once, and to see what was flawed. And what I was doing to myself, and what I had allowed myself to become.

And when I look, now, at him, what I see isn't the same either. And that overwhelming and crushing desire to give him anything, to be anything if he can just want me? That isn't there anymore. I still care about him. I realized at some point, that I'm always going to care, a part of me will always love him. But there's an equality now. I know that I deserve something more than to be hidden in the shadows, out of the light. And what he offered, was more than what it used to be.

And I'm happy now, standing within his arms, and I'm not hidden in the dark, which is where I always was. There's no shame now, with him. And that was there before as well. There was always someone else that he was searching for, someone else he wanted to hold above me. I was someone to pass the time for him, until the person he wanted more could be available. That shames me.

I'm not ashamed anymore. I am the woman he wants now, because I wouldn't have settled for anything less than that. He makes me happy, and finally, when he looks at me, he *does* look at me. And he's happy with me. And he'd finally realized the mistake that he made, and gave me the words, words I needed to hear, to heal a very large wound that he caused, when he left. That damage is going to be there, for a while. But it helped. It continues to help.

It isn't going to be an immediate fix. But each day that passes, heals a little more. And I missed him, so much, that it was like a hole was missing from inside of me. And having him back feels like I'm complete. It always did.

I can live without him, I proved that, both to myself, and him, when he left. I can do it again, if I have to. But I'd rather not. I'd rather stand at his side, and be happy. I waited, a long time, for that. I'm sorry, that it angers others, but I'll make my own choices, as I always have. I'm sorry it hurts so many people that he cares about as well. But that was his choice too, when he came after me.

We deserve to be happy, everyone does. We're not harming anyone else. If you can't be happy for us? Please, just leave us alone.