stupid things

I changed around things on my idiot MySpace account, because, well, honestly, looking at it was making me depressed. I took down all the photos, and I took him off my top 8. I didn't figure that logging in and seeing his face was going to be helping me any, since I'd just sent him away. Yes, I know, I get it. *I* sent him away. My choice, my decision. I can hear the voice in my head saying I didn't need to do that, and he had no intention of giving me up, etc, ad infinitum.

But as I know very well, it would have come down to that at the end of the day, and I'm so damned tired of being left behind and being abandoned, when someone ends up not keeping a promise to me. And, unfortunately, he has already proven to me that he won't keep a promise to me, if it means he can have her. It just wasn't worth the fighting, and the pain, and the anguish that came along with keeping him for a few extra weeks. And so I sent him away.

I have a song playing over and over in my head, some cheesy Keith Urban song, I think it's called "Think of Me".

And it hurts. I'm walking around like a zombie part of the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm putting on an excellent show. About 95% of the time, you can't even tell there's anything out of the ordinary going on. The other 5% I spent holed up in my room, because I have no desire to be seen.

But I took him off the top spot on my idiot MySpace page, because it hurt to see him there. Evidently, that offended in some way, as it took him no time at all to return that favor in kind. I've been booted off his as well. And that, I suppose, is no less than I deserve, as we're no longer...friends? We're nothing now, I guess. I'm surprised he didn't simply erase me entirely. He'd always maintained he didn't particularly care who was in the top 8 on his page, so I guess I was surprised at the speed with which I'd been removed.

And it's stupid. It was always stupid. And I am so tired and annoyed with myself for even thinking about it. Because it shouldn't make a difference. I shouldn't care. I wish I could forget, but I can't. And I doubt that it will disappear as fast as I had hoped. And while everyone I know tells me that, yay, I've done the right thing, and I'm strong and it will get easier, yahoo. This sucks.

Yes, I'm strong enough to have made a decision and stick with it. Yes, this is the right thing to do, and I did it. No, I don't want to just sit and keep getting hurt repeatedly by someone who only wants me as a convenience. Yes, I know all of the reasons and I am still standing, albeit very sadly. But that doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't make it any less hard to sit, and stare blindly at the wall, while everything inside of me crumbles because I miss him, and things hurt. Listening to the doors slam, because he was angry, and knowing that all I had to do was say "stay", it sucks.

And seeing that he could so easily drop me out of his life too, that hurt as well...