Secret word of the week/Nightmares

The secret word of the week this week is:

"impatient"

which I may or may not actually write about later.

But for right now, I'm still reeling from last night/this morning's series of craptastic nightmares. And honestly, I might have brought them on myself a bit, as I was kind of mulling some stuff over as I went to bed.

I was thinking about it last night. I had these lyrics in my head "Everywhere I look, you're all I see, just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be". And it's true, in a way. For a lot of people and things. Danny and Phillip, of course. But more than that. Just about everywhere I go or look in Fresno, there are reminders of who and what I used to be. And the downside to that is that I can't remember at all, or it's a faded reminder at best, of who I was.

I think part of the appeal of my running away to Bakersfield, part of what made looking around in Bakersfield good for me, was that no matter where I went there, nothing I saw reminded me of my life.

And I was pondering all of that, when I went to bed. My faded memories. Never a good thing to do in the first place. Queue the nightmares. I woke up thrashing about, nightmares about Monkey and Charlie, and having lost her. I was telling somebody that it didn't matter, she was still *my* daughter, and that Todd should shut up and butt out, that he had no business being involved in anything in the first place. It was lousy. And for whatever reason, all of it was taking place in Georgia, at the house that I'd only seen when I was out there for the court thing, when Mom drove past it before we flew back home. It was crazy.

I *feel* crazy, right now. I'll be glad when I finally head over to Kat's today. I'm here alone all day until I head out to go there. I'll probably be neurotically cleaning things until then, because I'm so thoroughly agitated. And, unfortunately, I'll be stuck here alone tonight, too, because Mona and Danny are out of town for Easter until tomorrow, and there isn't anyone else to come keep me company.

I hate feeling this weirded out from nightmares. I hate that I feel this unstable in general.

Happy Easter, right?