The price people are willing to pay

I can almost watch the various wheels turning around town. The voices on the wind, I can hear them. Not that I particularly care these days, what anyone has to say. I know what people think. It doesn't affect me much. I've heard the opinions before, and heard the predictions. And as I've had to handle everything that's possible to be done to me, alone, I can say with a fair amount of confidence, that I really don't care about the opinions of the sheep.

What I do find the most amusing, is the comments that keep showing up on my blog here. And I'm aware that my loyal readers here aren't getting to see the somewhat amusing commentary that's hitting my inbox. Partially because, as always, I moderate, and partially because an *awful* lot of what's coming in, are old blogs that are suddenly garnering commentary attention.

Strikes me as amusing every single time that I start posting with specific references, how quickly some of my popular blogs start getting commentary. Like clockwork, almost. Must grate on the nerves of whoever 'anonymous' is, that I never actually let some of those 'advice' and 'gratitude' comments through.

Well, I'm very happy that they've made terrific lives for themselves, and escaped their terrible torments, and saved their children, etc. That's wonderful for them. And hey, guess what? I'm doing just spiffy for me too! But I don't really need any advice, and I'm really happy for the posters who are so grateful for my words. Glad I saved you from a life in hell, and that you got out. Kudos for, well, whatever you got out of my blog.

I don't know. The truth is, that it can be sort of grating, to know that whoever it is that follows the posts here is so dedicated about it. I have my own personal stalker! Go me! I think about shutting this down occasionally, but I never do, because it's too therapeutic for me.

*changing gears*

I went through the requirements for my degree recently, and realized that at the end of the year, I'll hold an Associate of Science degree, and two years after that, I'll have a Bachelors in Social Work. I'll be...what? Inside my head, it feels like I want to say a grown up, but that isn't right. I'll have achieved a goal, one that most people get to a lot sooner than I did. But it's true. I will have achieved a goal, one that I know that my doctors, a lot of people never really expected of me. Myself included. Even just the regular A.S. degree I never really expected to achieve. It makes me feel...'alive'? "Real" in some fashion, that I never quite felt, not for a long time. Perhaps that was what school has done for me. It made me feel like a 'real' person again. Not this half-life, just kind of existing. I can be someone, can help people, can do things, and achieve things, just like everyone else.

I'm no longer just filling time, and taking up space. And that means a lot to me, for a variety of very personal reasons, that I still need time and space to reason out, even inside my own head.

I have to work harder for school, to learn, than other people, and I accept that. It's a price I have to pay, and it's one I'm very much willing to pay. I've had to pay a price to do a lot of things. To drive a car, to walk, to read. I'm willing to pay those prices, to live and not just exist.

I'm willing to pay a certain price, to love and be loved as well. I'm willing to take certain chances, to try things that I wasn't brave enough to attempt before. And if it all fails? At least I'll have tried. I don't think I was willing to make those attempts before. I simply wasn't stable enough, or whole enough, or ready or willing enough, to try before. And if it fails? It won't be because I wasn't willing to give everything in the attempt. It's a price I'm willing to pay.