I took the thunderbird out tonight, and ran hard and fast over the freeway stretches, to slow my mind down. I had to do something, to make the chaos calm enough to think. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the pure adrenaline rush of speed poured on, makes it all calm. Tonight, at least it made it possible to think somewhat clearly.
I wish it was always that simple. I feel like I'm drowning again, and I'm not even certain why. Everything should be fine, and yet, my mind is on a constant flux, and every time I manage to get control, it vanishes into the ether, and I feel like I'm going to choke.
And I hate it.
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It's not really chaos. You just don't see it yet.
"According to Fertility Hollis, there is no chaos. There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns. If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher. What we can’t understand we call nonsense. What we can’t read we call gibberish."
~Tender Branson
“Survivor” by Chuck Palahniuk
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