Sunday, September 30, 2007

Secret word of the week

It's that time again, internets! That's right, people!

And this week's word has some help from my friend Brandon, who contributed, along with some help from Jason, so thanks to them.

Ladies and gents, I give you:

Twatcake! That's right, do you eat your twatcakes for breakfast? Lunch? It does your body good! Danny recommends it for Fourthmeal!

Kat recommends Linner! Brandon says let's have brunch!

Mona says anytime is good for her people! Midnight snacks!

What kind of syrup do *you* use on your twatcakes? Raspberry? Regular? Maple? Mona says coolwhip! Gene Wilder says Snozzberry! The Amish, they use butter! And they churn that shit themselves.

How about cookie dough? And yes, always always involve chocolate with your twatcake.

Have a nice day internets.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

I'm my own worst enemy...

What's going on in the world of Controversy? All kinds of things, actually. Today was a day of introspection. It didn't actually begin that way. I'm sort of surprised it ended up that way, but that's how it was.

My original plan for the day was supposed to be loafing. A featured pajama party. Just hanging out and watching movies. That was it. Not much. Nothing overly exciting. As the day progressed, that slowly changed. It went from a regular pajama party, to a lingerie pajama party. From a PJ party with lingerie, to a lingerie PJ with a couple extra people. Plans changed, things were restructured.

I ended up running around like a madwoman, helping out a friend with some moving stuff that she had going on. Drove all over town, and picked up some stuff at the Whole Foods. Love that store, they have such neat stuff. Tooled around town, did a bunch of other stuff.

Came home, after essentially having been running about two hours behind schedule all day, *finally* made it into a shower and showed up at the PJ turned into a lingerie party. Albeit a couple of hours later than I'd planned, I was ready to have a good time. Brought out the new camera, and prepared to have fun. Good friends, good fun, right? Everything right with the world?

You'd think so. I thought so. I was laughing. At least, I thought I was...One of my friend's kids got a little spooked when it was time for her to be taken home, so her mom went with her, which left me there. Not a big deal, really. But I kept thinking while I was sitting there, that I'd rather have been doing something other than what I was doing...

I don't smoke, and so I was sitting alone in the living room while the others smoke in the other room. As what started out as five minutes drifted into ten, then into a half hour, then into a full hour with me sitting alone, and I realized that I would rather have been doing something else...I left. And no one even noticed my absence.

And I'm not altogether sure how I feel about that. I'm not angry. I could easily have simply gone to the bedroom and knocked, I suppose. Said something along the lines of "Hey, hello? What happened to you guys?" As it was, I did send a message of some sort to a cell phone snarking about longest cigarette ever, about a half hour into their hour and a half sojourn in the bedroom, before my departure. No response.

I guess I'm ambivalent. I left, and I drove around for a while. I had to think about things. I eventually parked the car and just sat for a bit, listening to the radio. Called and talked to Mona at home, so I could run by her what I was thinking, and confirmed that a lot of what I was thinking was more or less on par with what she'd been feeling earlier in the day, so at least I wasn't insane. Or if I'm insane, we're insane together.

I talked to Danny, told him what I was thinking about, and why I was coming home, and how I felt...it was strange...all the things I was paranoid about didn't matter.

There are still two people inside my head, and I still need time to sort out which person I'm going to need to decide will end up with dominance. But I know now, without needing to think on it any further...while my brain is having a hard time keeping up with the words coming out of my mouth, the instinct that's taking over from a time long past, old habits just popping out. My actions themselves are working fine. I'm running on a comfortable auto-pilot of a person I'm comfortable with.

The person I'm comfortable with is not the girl who wears clothes that put cleavage on display. It isn't a person who feels a need to flaunt something to the world. I am comfortable with some aspects of myself, and not with others, and I know where my middle ground is, and will remain there. I don't need to be someone I'm not. I can be who I am, and that's alright. I was trying, tonight, to be someone that I was a long time ago...and I'm not that girl anymore. And that's alright. I don't need to be her anymore.

The person I am was more comfortable in the shirt I wore to breakfast than the fuschia sparkle top I wore to dinner. More comfortable in the jeans than in the capris. Sneakers instead of sandals. And that's just me. I can look attractive in my own way, without needing to be somebody I'm not. I thought I wanted to be that girl again...And I was wrong. I thought I wanted to try and turn the clock back to a time when things were different. I don't think I do.

If you've read this far, whoever you are that's reading this, you've got a lot of patience, as it's damn near two o'clock in the morning, and *I* am barely coherent enough to be reading it.

I will re-read this tomorrow, and probably try a secondary post then, but I needed to try and get some of this out of my head in order to get some sleep. I have plans off and on for the rest of the weekend. Will be cooking and baking Saturday and Sunday both. Mountains of laundry. Must go grocery shopping. There's football as always on Sunday. Mental note: make grocery list.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Midnight musings

I don't even know where to begin...

My brother has moved on. He's heading back up north, to the Portland/Seattle area again, back to his regular life. Things are trickling along here, doing whatever it is they're going to be doing for a while, and that's more or less as much as I'm willing to tag on here for a bit.

I've been enjoying Mona's company during her lunch breaks immensely lately, because it turns out I'm quite close to her work, and as a result during her hour long lunch, she has enough time to bop over and eat here. It's very pleasant and she is excellent company.

The neurological exam is all systems go, and all lights green. Things are looking up. I feel pretty good, actually, in a completely physical sense. I hope it continues. I'm back behind the wheel of my car, although I won't be doing much of it, because I do still want to continue conserving the gas. But it's nice to know I'm in control of it just the same.

We got the Saturn tagged, although we had to pay a late fee, because DMV sucks nuts, and while we notified them that we'd moved, they only updated Danny's license, not his registration tags. Idiots. But at least it's handled. So both cars are good for another year.

For those of you who are familiar with my random musings, I'm doing alright. I'm a little scattered, because I have a lot on my mind lately. Concerns for my friends, concerns for myself. As usual, things will be fine. I will be alright, as I always am. I appreciate the concern, and if I need you, rest assured, I'll ask for help. To those who have come flying to my rescue recently, thank you in ways I cannot begin to express. For those whose shoulders have been available to me to cry on, and whose arms have held me while I cried...I needed it. Even though I don't like admitting it. So thanks, because it's rare indeed for me to ask for help, and I'm both amazed and grateful to you for dropping everything and coming when I needed you most, and holding me when I needed nothing more. And asking nothing in return. I love you.

With that, I need to go and find something to eat, and spend some time with my sorely neglected cat, who thinks the sky is falling and his world is ending. Goodnight internets. Goodnight readers. Sleep well. Have happy dreams. Blessed be.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Excitement, adventure

And waiting for people to wake up really sucks. Which is currently all I'm doing. I'm sitting here, at four in the morning, waiting for someone else to wake up. So that I can go downtown, and play at the Channel 30 broadcasting station, and look at all the cool stuff. Which is awesome. I didn't think I'd actually get to do it when I asked B if there was a way for me to get to watch him do his job, so imagine my surprise when he said since he's head honcho on the weekend broadcasts, that sure, come on down! WOO HOOOOOOO!

So, it's four in the morning, and I'm waiting for Danny to wake up, so we can go downtown to the station and watch B work. And check out all the cool gizmos that make broadcasting possible. Satellites and sound boards and video boards and cameras oh my!

Yes, I'm a nerd. I am totally cool with my nerd status when it comes to this type of equipment. Besides, I've been waking up at the strangest hours anyhow lately, so at least going and doing something at four a.m. has a more productive end result than blogging for the day.

And my day is going to end up busy as hell. There will be football. There will be cooking. There will be breakfast with friends. There will be laundry. Ick. Driving. Blogging. Well, those are pretty much givens. The fun at the TV station. I am excited. Now if only I could guarantee that Starbucks was open this early in the freaking morning, and I doubt that it is, which is a pain in my arse. Darn. Ah, well. I shall make do...possibly with an Oreo shake from Jack in the Box?

Mmmmm.....

It's that time again!

That's right, it's that time of the week again...It's the weekly update of the secret word of the week!

Last week's word of the week was cackwhore, and as promised, here's the translation and explanation:

A cackwhore, for those of you who didn't follow what the hell I was talking about is a crossover word. It's a cross between a cock-knocker and a crackwhore. I was in the middle of a rant last week, talking to a friend, and I just kind of spit out "cackwhore", and it stuck. Thus ending up with 'cackwhore' as the word of the week.

This week's word of the week was decided a few days later, in honor of my friend Mona, and even though it's a little off-center for me personally, it will still be designated, as I promised it would.

Ladies and gents, the secret word of the week:

Shit-tastic!

That's right, I bring you shit-tastic! For all your lousy week needs, you have shit-tastic to get you through your day! Use it, love it, spread the wealth!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Peace and harmony in...

I probably should have gotten around to this earlier, but I was lagging. So much to do, so...well, I'd've said little time, but that was bogus. I was out most of yesterday and when I got home, I ended up watching Prince's "Purple Rain" in HD. Love it. Whee. Comcastic is still sucking nuts, so I still don't have stable internets, so bear with me peoples.

Updates from the doctors: my brain is ticking along just fine. I sent out a mass text to everybody who was in my cell when I came out of the office yesterday. Note to everybody: If you didn't get that text, it means I don't have your cell phone numbers, and you need to contact me and give them to me. I really did mass send that message. The gist of it was this: Seizures are going to stop. EEG results are in, and the cause *is* that the scarring from my resection is the only cause. The meds are working and should continue to do so, and I'll be a real person! He told me to come back in six months and tell him how I'm feeling. I can't even remember the last time a freaking doctor told me that.

I'm still freezing cold, because my body temperature's still having issues stabilizing. My wonder anti-seizure medication can only do so much. And you know what? I'm okay with that. Blankets FTW! Heh. I got to run all over town yesterday wearing a long sleeved shirt. It was awesome. About damned time. Summer-be-gone!

Today will be spent with Kat, for the most part. Danny's back at work for the only day this week. Heh. And then I can play with the wonderful, beautiful camera over the weekend. *SO* looking forward to that. Might even go out in public with it. To the park or wherever. Oh, the pretty pictures, how they speak to me. My pretties. Hehehehe. Yes, I am insane. We knew that.

I am still sort of walking around in a daze about those test results from yesterday. I just can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that it's going to be okay again. Really okay. Thing is, the "miracle pills" do a lot of things. I mean, they can't cook me breakfast...well, they don't really need to. But they're a mood stabilizer, which makes them more effective than the anti-depressants that I was on. I can laugh. I can cry. I can get angry, or sad, or happy...without the extreme roller-coaster I've been going on for the last I-honestly-can't-remember-how-long. And it's a visible difference, personality wise. Everyone who has spent time with me in the last few years, and has spent time with me in the last few *weeks* can visibly see the difference...And that difference is that the underlying misery isn't there. The anger just isn't there. And I like it. I like not hating everything. Had I known that there was a pill for that, I'd've been asking for it years and years ago. I didn't know that normal *was* an option.

I always knew there was something wrong, but I didn't really think it was a chemical something. I just figured it was something fundamentally wrong with me, and I had to deal.

Yay for chemical corrections!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Skip this entry if you don't want to read my whining:

I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm grouchy. And I still as of this moment, have no working internets. Doctor's appointment in t-minus three hours or so. I don't feel so great, either, just to add to the fun. I suppose it's mostly just nerves and crankiness, but I feel like shit. I need to take the thunderbird in and get gas, and get it washed. I should pick up a car cover today too, while we're out and about. I keep meaning to do that, and never quite get around to it. I wonder if they sell that kind of thing at Target, since that's primarily where I'll be after I go to the doctor? I suppose I should look.

My poor car spends most of it's time just sitting and I'm tired of watching the poor thing always be covered in dust, so I want to get it a car cover. Ergo, the trying to locate one. Which I never remember to do until it's dusty again. I suck. And I need to look for a few decent books for Jami to take to Richard for him to read, because I said I'd keep an eye out. And return my library books. And get hair clips. Maybe I should make a list? I'm almost too tired to even want to do that. Weird.

Heh. Arriving in my mailbox today *should* be Prince's "Purple Rain"...In HD. Hehehehe. Haven't seen that in years. Whole lot of cheese factor there, but I like the movie, and so that's what we'll be watching tonight most likely. We filled the Netflix queue with a bunch of HD movies and they're set to ship one right after another, and it's a rather random list. I think TMNT is on there somewhere. Transformers should be dropping for release in the next month, but that one we'll buy outright, because, dude, *Transformers*!!!!. Loved that. It was gorgeous. I probably won't spend the money for HD Fantastic Four. I'm not even sure what else is slated to drop for release in the next couple of months. I should probably look into that.

My friend Kat got a job, so we're all proud of her. YAY!! Way to go, Kat! (This being a big deal, because she got injured a year or so ago and had to do *major* physical therapy, they had to replace almost her entire thigh, etc.) And I think she's going to enjoy the fact that she's a real live person again, instead of, as she put it, a leech on society. Now she really does need to update her information, because if she's working, she really can't be a leech on society. People with jobs don't get to refer to themselves that way. Heh. So yeah, three cheers for Kat :)

It seems that summer in the godforsaken valley is finally coming to a close, as I've had windows open and not been running air conditioning for days now. Might even get to wear a sweater soon. There's a storm rolling in, even if it only lasts for a day, the clouds have been here since yesterday. The high yesterday was 69 degrees, and I was thrilled. Begone ye evil one hundred plus degree weather! Begone, I say! Ever day that passes brings me one day closer to the hope of being able to get the hell out of here, and move up towards the Washington/Oregon area. One day...It shall happen one day...

Danny's little sister's best friend (did you like that? I finally got to play the Kevin Bacon six-connect game) will be leaving in a couple of days, heading off to college for the first time. She's heading out to UC Santa Barbara, to major in Psychology. KeddyBear is a really smart woman, with a huge heart who has had a major impact on JB over the last several years, and as I've learned, she is an amazing person. And I've learned this in two ways. The first being watching her influence on JB herself. She's helped JB to become the person she is still becoming, and that's quite impressive on its own. I have to say I'm very pleased with the person that is. And the second is having gotten a chance to talk to Keddy herself. She's incredibly intelligent. Well-spoken, when she chooses to be. Articulate. She has plans and goals, and has given some thought to what she wants and where she's going with her life. And with all of that, she still has taken the time to give support and love to her friends, the ones who are left behind as she leaves to start her new life somewhere else. And it takes a very special kind of person to see that as they go rushing off to a new experience like college. And that impresses me. So, good luck to Keddy as she heads to UCSB, and best wishes and all that, and congratulations. And thanks for what she's done for JB. She'll be well-looked after, until she gets out of school and can stand on her own two feets. You are well-loved Keddy, and you'll be well-missed by the peoples in the the valley.

And now, I've run out of blog-time, as I have to go start my day, so until next time, internets. Or at least until later today, when I shall be in possession of more than another fifteen minutes with which to use my blogspot :P