someone to watch over me

It's the middle of the night again, with the moon shining in the late night sky, while the nightmares chase me from sleep that once again is eluding me and the terrors that terrify me haunt me in a way my subconscious simply can't cope with.

And once more, I sit staring at the expanse of blank white walls, and huddle beneath a black fur blanket, and sit helpless as tears fall down, and wait for everything to pass. And wonder if this time will be the last time, and grow tired of all of it, and tired of fighting with the incessant pain and anger and fighting at an invisible monster that has seemingly no way of being conquered.

And in these late hours, where everything hurts so badly, and all I want is everything to stop, it would be so easy to give up the fight, and just let it all go, and that frightens me more than anything ever has, or ever could.

For everything I've done, and achieved, accomplished and succeeded at. With everything I've become and finally am at the point of standing steadily at...late at night, when I sit here, and am wrapped in a blanket, with pain wracking me, and nothing making sense, all I see, is that when I look around at everyone else, and then look at myself, and my life, and what's left:

There's no one to watch over me. Whether they lie to each other, are unhappy with one another, fight, make up, scream, hate, or love each other...at the end of the day, everyone else has someone to watch over each other...except me.

I have friends, go to school, a job, all the things that make up a normal life, but at the end of the day, when it's time to wind down, and talk about the day, and commiserate with someone who cares, and someone to count on in an emergency. If I'm sick, or unhappy, or need someone...I don't have that. There's no one who loves me, or cares, or wants to be with me, where I am, who wants to be a part of my life, and wants me to be a part of theirs.

And I'm not trying to imply that I have a miserable life, because that is not actually the case. My life is actually very good. But in the middle of the night, when I look around, and I'm alone, and I'm tired, and the nightmares are overwhelming me...and all I really want is someone to hold me, and chase the monsters away? The most lonely feeling in the world is knowing that no one loved me enough to want to watch over me, and wanted to slay the demons that haunted me in my dreams.