Pity party ahead, skip it if you're so inclined

Sometimes, just sometimes, it doesn't seem to matter what you do or don't do with your life. Whether you follow all of the rules that are laid out before you. It never seems to matter if you are adhering to the plan that you were told you needed to live by, to make things go in the way you're expecting them to.

I'm not feeling very 'Zen' right now. I kind of want to know why it is that I just can't quite get a break, not with my life, not with my body, not with anything or so it feels. And yet...some truly horrible people get to keep getting what they want, over and over and over again. And it's petty, and it's mean, and I realize all of this, but just now, I'm not really feeling anything else but petty and mean.

Why can I not get a six month stretch of health, even *basic* fucking health, without something going wrong that lands me back in front of some kind of specialist, where others who can eat and fuck anything and anyone that they want, with no repercussions? Never pick up an STD, never gain a pound, get themselves knocked up or not, as suits their whims.

But not me. No, I get to spend minimum, once a month, getting enough blood pulled out of me to end up nearly passing out, so they can make sure I don't die, and even then, the odds aren't too great on the not-dying aspect. I look at a pop-tart, and gain five pounds. When I get pregnant, I tend to miscarry in grand fashion, because there's damage to my system from a missing ovary, and damage to my uterus. Fucking yay.

And so yes, I'm not feeling particularly upbeat and optimistic right now. I'm *tired* of cheering for everybody else, and listening to people's laments about their lives. Truth be told, my life is somewhat bouncing back on the one-to-ten scale of suck right now, on being about a two. It's almost laughable, that so many of you don't seem to realize just how bad it truly is for me. And no, I'm not going to post a nice, neat little list for you.

The glass half full, and glass half empty situation? The vast majority of people I know look at their lives as glass half empty, and I struggle, damn near daily, to look at mine as half full. Because I absolutely detest the idea of depression. And I do a really good job of it, at holding it all together, and pushing forward. But the constant placing of blame, on everybody else under the sun, besides yourselves? My *gods* people. REALLY?!