Being alone

Or rather, living alone. I was thinking about it, yesterday. When I finally move to Nevada, which will happen eventually, although I'm not sure when. It's mostly a matter of paperwork at this point. My Dad will be helping me with that. Except for the month and a half or so before I had my daughter, I've never really lived completely alone. I mean, yes, I lived alone with my daughter. But completely alone, just me. Not really. I always lived with someone. Monkey, or a roommate, or a boyfriend. Always someone. Never just *me*. So when I finally go to Nevada, and get my own place...it will be just me. And that's kind of a daunting idea. Not an unpleasant one, just...strange. It's odd to think of myself as a thirty year old woman who has never really lived completely on my own.

I'm trying to decide where in Nevada I want to be based. I know for certain that I don't want to be in Reno. It's not my style. Nor do I want to be precisely where my parents are. That's a little too remote for me. I guess I need to sit down with my parents and scout out what's available to me, and what my options are. I need to talk to some people and go around and see precisely what will and won't work. Because I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to be completely isolated. But neither do I want to live in a bustling city. There has to be some sort of middle ground. I wish I was more familiar with the area. Dad will know. Perhaps I should call them. In fact, I think I will call them. I'm already a pain in their asses, a little more certainly isn't likely to hurt much.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts, with the holidays and 'Chelle ill, and things so awkward in my life. I'm off center, and I don't know how to handle that. It's unlike me to not know how to handle things. My normal way of handling this is to simply bolt. And I know this is not an option now. Neither is giving orders. I've definitely met my match, as giving orders now doesn't work in these circumstances. He basically tells me to shove it. And I can't particularly argue, because he's generally right. I'm not used to someone who can stand up to me. I'm not used to having someone who is so evenly matched with me. In every way. It's a very peculiar feeling.

When life isn't fair

My best friend had a heart attack. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I can't help. I can't make it better. There is abso-fucking-lutely nothing I can do. I am powerless in the face of this kind of horror. It's a week before Christmas, and her children are terrified. My godsons are scared to death, even though they don't know precisely what's going on. The hospital can't release her, because they aren't altogether certain why she had the attack in the first place, which means there isn't a concrete way to prevent it. They aren't certain what's damaged. The doctors are basically unsure of, well, anything. Fucking yay.

And I'm angry, and afraid and...what? Disturbed. And frustrated. Because I don't like the feeling of being so powerless to not be able to help. Yes, everyone pulled together to put Christmas together for the boys. Because that's what we do, when it needs to be done, and that's handled. And the things that needed to be handled have been handled. The basic day-to-day details are in good shape. But that doesn't change the fact that she's sitting in a hospital room, and for the most part I can't even really go and visit.

Stupid lack of an immune system. With everyone in creation in a hospital carrying germs, I more or less have to stay clear, because I can't risk going and picking up an infection of any sort that will make me sick. So I'm basically completely useless. Yes, I risked it when she called from the ER, because I couldn't not go. But now that she's been admitted, it would be great folly indeed to just hang about in a hospital and I know better. Especially right on the heels of my own physician having told me to steer clear of large crowds and places where I know there will be germs.

And it sucks. And I don't like it. And I don't know what to do.

Hmmm

Just random blogging tonight, from me. I just watched a movie that I rather enjoyed, called "In The Land Of Women". It came out in 2006, although I don't remember hearing anything about it in theaters during that year, so chances are it wasn't very big, or it was independent, so it didn't make much noise. But I enjoyed it. You can check out the synopsis on IMDB if you're interested in seeing what it's all aboot and whatnot.

I love my Netflix account, because it enables me to watch stuff like that, without having to be buying films left and right and blowing a lot of cash I don't have.

I'm rather happy right now. I enjoyed my day today. I cleaned my room, and reorganized a bookcase, to make some space for candles, and to fit some other things on those shelves. I've done some laundry. Ate some Chinese food. Watched the movie. Just basically had a calm day. I'm listening to MP3's right now, through headphones. I have my cat curled up right here next to me, and we're just chilling out. It's very peaceful.

My dad is home from his back surgery. It went very well, and that makes me happy. I was worried, because I know he had problems coming out of the last surgery. I don't like hospitals, and I like them even less when they tell me they're keeping my dad. So I'm glad he's home and safe. Christmas is coming up, and I wanted him home and safe. I feel better now that I know he's home.

I'm torn, right now. I'm somewhere in between restless and content. I'm restless because I want to be with my Monkey for Christmas, and I know I'm not going to, because it's too far for me to make the haul over the mountain passes, and it's too expensive to make the trek, and with a slight headcold I know better, because it turns into pneumonia *every single time*. But I still am restless because it's the holidays and I want my baby. But I'm content, because I know that I'll be with someone I love for Christmas too. It's just kind of conflicting for me. It's very hard, to have to try and make peace with it. Next year will be easier, because I will be nearby, and when I want to watch her open presents, I will be right there. I will like that. I don't like being so far away. It's strange, the idea of wanting to be near my family, because I've not felt a pull to be close to family before. It's a strange feeling for me.

I was talking to my Mom about this, the other day. I can still remember vividly the shocking feeling of asking someone how to get home when I was lost when they first moved to where they live now. And having this complete stranger look at me and say "Oh, you're Jack's daughter. Hi there." And then point me toward home. Because being his daughter is a good thing. And the feeling of being accepted immediately because he is so very well loved there, and that just peaceful feeling of belonging to him...god that felt good. "My Daddy loves me". Because I always knew that. And my Dad loves me just as much. And I know that, unquestioningly. Just like I always knew Daddy loved me. But going to a place where somebody looked at me, and said "Oh, you're his daughter". Because I never had that. Not ever. And I want to go and live somewhere like that. And have him close by, where I can drop by and see him, whenever I want. I do want that.

And I'm babbling. So I'll shut up now. Stupid holidays. This is lame. Sentiment looks all sappy and weird on me. Blarg. I'm going to go find ice cream now, and watch the most horrible movie or television show I can think of, that has absolutely no sentiment involved in it. Because this is lame. Damn the holidays!

G'nite internets.

Secret word of the week

Good morning, internets. It's a lovely Sunday morning, and it's that time again. Sunday morning word of the week. I haven't picked out the word for the week yet, so I'll be perusing through my various sites until I see something that strikes my fancy, and then I'll be hopping back here to post it.

This week's word of the week is:

halcyon


As in...

These are the halcyon days we missed...and I am enjoying them...

Happy Christmas (war is over)

It's a song title, actually. I downloaded it today. It's one of the very few Christmas songs that I really really like. And I had the lyrics running through my head today, and so I wanted to listen to the song. It's playing right now, in the background while I write this blog. The song is by John Lennon, for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

This year has been chaotic for me. I have felt as though nothing would ever be alright again. I don't even know which end is up half the time anymore. Every time I turned around, I was crying, or screaming, or just spinning around like a top.

I changed my entire life around, because I was unhappy. I needed to change things. And change is frightening. And I'm still terrified. I have hurt people I love. I have wounded people. I have angered people. I have made bad decisions. I have made mistakes and I'll probably still make mistakes.

I can't help any of those things. I'm human. But in the end, I did the right thing, for the right reasons.

I woke up this morning, and I was happy. I am happy. I will do everything in my power to not screw this up this time. I want this more than anything. I don't want to run away, and I don't want to hide.

All I want is to love you. I want to feel loved and safe and happy. I meant what I said. Second to Dana, you're the most important thing in the world to me. And I'm happy.

Happy Holidays, internets.

Behind these eyes

Are a thousand thoughts, a constant stream of fluctuating feelings. And one dream.

Hold me. Brush the hair off my face, and tell me that it's still all right, and that I'm still safe.

I'm still torn and broken. Let me heal.

Secret word of the week

Today is Sunday and this week's word of the week is:

Pre-sequitur.

Have a nice day, boys and girls.