I read a blog earlier tonight, about cheating in relationships, both having been the person who helped someone to cheat, and having been the person cheated on. A lot of the people who were commenting were discussing their various opinions about whether or not they would be party to assisting in someone else's infidelity.

It occurs to me that I've actually worn the shoes on both feet in that situation, even though I felt "vindicated" at the time, to get even for what had been done to me. Didn't make it right, didn't make it any more or less fair, it just made it what it was. As it happens, I don't think that I'd do it again, I'm not much in the way of helping someone break up a relationship.

I've been watching some other people recently, screw each other over, and the sheer amount of discourtesy and deceit involved in the infidelity involved turned me inside out. I just don't have the stomach for it anymore. As most people know, I'm a supporter of polyamory, and its ideals. But not as a means of cheating on ones partner or partners. Not as a way to have a free-for-all sex life, or a reason to go out and hurt people indiscriminately.

There has to be a basic core set of rules, and those rules that have been agreed up in advance can't be broken, or all the person who violates those agreements in the end is, is nothing better than a cheating bastard, or a cheating whore, and doesn't deserve any respect at all. Violating trust in that kind of an arrangement is almost worse than being cheated on by a regular partner, because you have to be completely trusting in a polyarmous relationship. And when that sort of trust gets broken, it can harm more than just one person, depending on how many partners you happen to be involved with, which can rapidly get very dangerous.

I don't know, and I guess I just don't understand. Even now, given that I am not a particularly trusting person in general, I'm not certain that I'd ever be able to take the leap of faith that it would require to have a normal relationship, much less one that would involve more than one other person and try to maintain it. You have to let someone in, all the way, and accept that they won't hurt you, and not be jealous, and be committed and not committed at the same time. Seems like a lot of work, with a lot of risk.

I'm pretty much just rambling right now, because it's late, and I've been sorting through sources for trying to work out an argument for constitutional rights for same-sex marriage, and rebuttal arguments, and it's more complicated than I was expecting it to be, because I want to do a good job, so it's giving me trouble. I should probably just go and let my brain idle for a while, but I can't seem to sleep, which always brings me to blogging, which is why all you poor people end up reading whatever I happen to be writing. Apologies if none of it makes sense.

I suppose it could be worse. I could be ranting about how much I hate someone, or writing morose poetry, or lamenting about how miserable I am...been a while since I did that...oh, wait. I still do all of those things, I just don't do them here :P

pink fleece and white bunnies

I haven't really written much of anything on here in a while, weeks really. Not because I don't have anything to say to anybody, but more because anytime I have something interesting to say, I decide I don't want to post it up on the internets, for everybody to read.

For a long time, I was absolutely uptight about who was reading my words, and wondering who was stalking me. I was paranoid in the extreme, and was constantly nervous and upset with the idea of who it might be, and why they were so interested in what I had to say, if anything.

For a long time, I spent months trying to get past and let go of the past, and get over how badly I was hurt, and move on with my life. And I actually finally did move on, and put my world...not back together. It was too shattered for that. But I built a new one, and I liked who I became. But it took me almost two years, to do that.

Recovering from being devastated takes time, and takes perseverance, and determination. It means not giving up, or giving in, or not being willing to giving anyone else including yourself the satisfaction of letting anyone seeing your fail.

I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot of time sitting alone attempting to make sense of the whys and the hows and trying to understand if there was a failing in me or if there was something I could have done to have made something have gone a different way.

In the end, I accepted that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that everything probably does happen for a reason, and I let it go, and I started to heal. There are still broken pieces inside of me. There always will be. Some wounds don't ever completely close, but you move on, and you deal with what has to be done. And I did, and I'm stronger for it.

I survived.

I'm proud of that. I'm proud of a lot of things about my life now, even knowing that there are a lot of imperfections about me still. I don't always make the choices that people who care about me would want me to. I'm alright with that. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, and that has to be enough, even when people don't approve. I'm no longer seeking approval from anyone else but myself.

I know that I've been missing from my blog a lot lately, and I'm sorry for that, because I know a lot of you keep tabs on me here, wondering where I've been and what I've been doing. The truth is that where I've been is buried beneath homework, and sick for the last few weeks. I picked up a nasty flu, and haven't been able to shake it, and I've been feeling worse, then better, then worse again for weeks.

Phillip's been here pretty much nonstop, taking care of me while I cycle in and out, popping antibiotics, and hoping that it'll finally kick out of my system. Hope springs eternal, but at least I haven't landed in the hospital, which is a nice change of pace. Coughing crap out, and spewing green stuff sucks, I don't recommend it for anyone.

I'm working on a 12 page research paper for one of my classes, and starting the home stretch toward finals, wrapping up the fall semester for college, and looking toward spring, and lining up my little ducks in a row for next year, you know, the basic ongoing stuff.

I've got a series of Dr's appointments scheduled for the next couple of weeks as well, but there's not a lot new there, that's pretty common for me.

Oh, and last but definitely not least, my long-time best friend Danny became a Daddy on November 1, 2009. He has the most adorable little boy, so many congratulations and happiness to him and his girlfriend. I'd post pictures, but I don't do that kind of thing :P

The defensive coping strategies of people who *need* to be right

One of life's biggest set-ups for being lonely is living with the erroneous belief that your way is the best way of doing things and insisting others agree with you. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, How To Be Absolutely Sure of Everything! It's like their reality testing mechanism is stuck on "It so because I think it is so." People who feel constantly threatened and angry when others question their actions substitute being right for living a happy life. Living daily always on the defense, being in charge of the rights and wrongs of the Universe, is no fun!

A system is two or more individuals who interact. A couple, a family, a neighborhood and our planet are all examples of systems. Systems can be put on a continuum from open to closed. In open systems, people talk and exchange ideas and feedback so the people stretch and grow. A closed system is one which keeps new information out to protect the status quo. Closed systems do not stretch because no new ideas are allowed in. The feedback loop continues the same way of thinking, precluding change and growth. The person who needs to be right all of the time is a closed system big time! He cannot allow his ideas to be challenged shuts down input from others. People in closed systems are rarely happy. Unfortunately, the need to be right is accompanied with a rigid stance and anger. Others distance from them and they cannot experience intimacy and connection. They cannot understand why their partner is so angry with them--their rationale is that the partner should just change! They do not want to be confused with facts when their mind is made up!

The ego always acts to preserve the sense of well-being and sets up defenses to avoid feeling fragmented. Turning the problem around and blaming the other person is a defense that reduces inner tension. Putting the problem outside of one's self brings up more feelings of self righteousness. The unwanted parts of the self are projected outward on others as an ego defense against internal feeling of anxiety that conflict brings up. In severe cases, reality is distorted, aspects of memory forgotten and fantasy created. The person assumes that others are out to do them in. Defenses protect the person's sense of well being. Defenses keep the pseudo self-worth that has been built on self-righteous beliefs from plummeting.

People who must defend their rightness are often preoccupied with imagined shortcomings of others and perceived attacks form them. They often feel betrayed by others. They justify their criticizing and blaming others to avoid the insight that they themselves might be in error. They fear losing power and will use anger to keep others from asserting themselves. Life becomes miserable for the family because it is fear and control based.

It's part of being human to want to have our way. We all have a touch of the need to be right and control others. We all have areas of self-righteousness where we believe that we know better than others. To the extent that this need to be right and resulting defensiveness permeates one's life, the less connected you will be with others. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of the following characteristics of rigidity of thought, the more anger and disapproval you will get from others:

_____ An insatiable need to be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to expect others to see it your way
_____ An inability to say, "I don't know." and "I was wrong."
_____ Feeling threatened when new ideas come from other people
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go; need to be in control of self at all times
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing sensitive feelings
_____ Shame and fear of being vulnerable and insecure
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
_____ Believe that others who disagree with you are wrong and should "just get over it"
_____ Use charm, anger, withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments


The need to be right, as a defense in life, can be broken into IF you are willing to observe yourself and catch yourself in the act of being adamant and inflexible. Being willing to own the behavior and then forgive yourself for doing it WILL boost you to a higher level of consciousness. Breaking into rigidity will give you an increase in personal power. Instead of having power over others, you develop a power over yourself. This is real self-esteem!

Being inflexible can continue because you have not known how to break the pattern or you do not want to give up being in control. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Do I want to get my way or do I want to feel closeness with others? Am I willing to balance my logical, left brain with my intuitive, feeling right brain to make me a well-rounded person?" Check each unhealthy coping behavior from the list below that contributes to your closed mindedness and rigidity of thinking:


_____ Braced yourself and constricted your energies to avoid invasion from another person's words or actions
_____ Thought "You can't tell me what to do and I don't have to listen" when a parent or teacher corrected you
_____ Felt overly proud at being rational and logical at the expense of being intuitive and experiencing feelings
_____ Needed be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Decided that your ideas were better than others so shut their opinions off
_____ Became angry when you expected others to see things your way and agree with you and they didn't
_____ Felt embarrassed about admitting and saying"I don't know." and "I was wrong."to yourself and others
_____ Felt threatened when you feared you were wrong
_____ Judged others harshly when they disagreed with you
_____ Became overwhelmed when information presented was too much to process
_____ Felt threatened when new ideas came from someone else
_____ Feared hearing about new information that threatened your beliefs
_____ Feared letting go of control of a task to someone else
_____ Devalued the sensitivity and feelings of others
_____ Felt uncomfortable with your expressing sensitive feelings
_____ Felt discomfort about having bad feelings
_____ Felt entitled in doing what you had to do to get others to go along with you
_____ Decided that someone who disagreed with you should "just get over it"
_____ Used smiling and charm insincerely to get win another person to your point of view
_____ Started blaming and putting the other person down to settle the argument
_____ Feared the anxiety and feeling fragmented when there was disagreement
_____ Felt satisfied and pleased because you manipulated someone to get your way
_____ Overrode the boundaries that someone else was trying to set
_____ Refused to see the problem from the other person's perspective
_____ Responded with sarcasm instead of trying to solve the problem
_____ Decided that the issue didn't affect you and assumed it did not affect others
_____ Argued your point of view in thoughts or words and refused to hear the alternate argument
_____ Badgered and intimidated someone to shut him down
_____ Became agitated and stubbornly attached when your ideas were attacked
_____ Became irritated at an assumption of the other person and stopped listening
_____ Minimized the importance of a personal problem you were being confronted with
_____ Refuse to deal with a problem because you thought it was temporary
_____ Refused to ask for help on a hard problem and decided you needed to do it all yourself
_____ Refused to ask for help on a task because you were embarrassed


What we all want down deep when we strip away the defenses of control is to be loved. We want to feel safe. We want to be heard and understood. The fear of losing control and resulting hostility is always a sign of needing the experience of deeply being loved but not knowing how to get it. Alas, anger to get what you want is a cry for love being armed with tools for war.

A whole set of tools are needed to help deal with feelings in building a whole, healthy human being. You become more secure and are less upset as you understand that things don't always have go the way you want. Life becomes less threatening as you understand that feelings are only feelings and uncomfortable states of emotions can be endured and regulated. Learning to deal with vulnerable feelings will help you become a more well-rounded individual, going from "I need to be right" to "I choose to be a real person, uncomfortable feelings and all." As a wise woman said, "We are as happy as we are able to be responsible for our own feelings and behavior." The superior man or woman is always open to consider that there may be another reality other than the one that they see through the lens of their life. Putting down the tools of war and picking up the tools of communication, conflict resolution, connection and commitment can create a life that produces long lasting love.

As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You don' have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings are only feelings. They are meant to be felt. They come and go. Face the fear of feeling bad. Uncomfortable feelings need not be feared. The best thing to do with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then learn from them.

As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement your logical, rational side making you a full- functioning human being. You stop using charm, anger and intimidation with those you care about. You open the way so that others feel comfortable in approaching you to talk.

As you learn to deal with anxious feelings that challenges by others brings up, you become more self sufficient. You can learn to self-soothe that uncomfortableness instead of reacting to others with defensiveness and anger. You can learn to substitute feeling good about finding an area of yourself where you can grow instead of becoming anxious and resorting to old needs to prove that you are right.

Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" As you relinquish self centeredness and look to the needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness.

As you dismiss the belief of "I have to be need to be safe through having it my way," you have more self understanding. Life becomes an exercise in taking responsibility for your part in conflict. Conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth. Self-esteem increases when you face a deep fear that you might be wrong and work it through.

As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities. Rigidity of thought fosters predictability which does help keep anxiety at bay. With new stress management tools to deal with anxiety and uncertainty, life becomes more exciting. Choices and alternatives increase--there will be more adventures in your life.

As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. It is a heavy, consuming job to be in charge of everything! You actually become more powerful when you learn to share the power! Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!

As you learn skills of safely expressing anger and ways resolve frustration, anger and grudges, your self esteem soars. Anger skills can be studied and learned just as any other task or subject. Take an anger management or conflict resolution course to learn constructive ways to deal with anger.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The Disease

You must come to terms with the simple fact that people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder really are suffering. They suffer from lack of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, but they portray the image of secure, confident people. NPD is a disease that begins in childhood and spreads to adulthood. It is like a malignant cancer. It grows over time, and sadly there is no cure. Studies show that there is currently no successful therapy for this disease - not counseling, not medications, nothing.

The ideal victim in the world of a narcissist is a damaged person - someone with low self-esteem, co-dependant, a broken soul. If there is a chink in your own armor, a character flaw of any sort, a neediness of any kind, you will be a prime target for a narcissist.

If the narcissist cannot immediately find a weakness in you, they will be consumed with looking for weaknesses and flaws in you or even in creating them. They feed on this preoccupation, and they cannot accept that there is anyone on this earth who is more important than they are. Narcissists are thoughtless people who live exclusively for their own benefit. Their outward image is amazingly cunning, even charming, and often heroic. But when you become better acquainted with them, it becomes clear that there is always an ulterior motive to what they do. It’s all a charade. They will give of themselves only if there is something to be gained for their own ego. They have a very distorted image of themselves and can see no flaws. You will likely never get any admission of imperfection or weakness, nor will there ever be any kind of legitimate apology for anything. If you can manage to force an admission of imperfection from a narcissist, it will only be a lie. They will have a selfish reason for their false admissions. It will have nothing to do with your needs. They will use their “apology” only as a stepping stone to something else which will satisfy another need they have.

Narcissists are empty shells who give the appearance of caring people. They have no true emotions, no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, yet they may tell you what you want to hear. In order to have feel genuine emotions, there must be a core self.

Narcissists do not have a true self or this self is so wounded that it is terrified of being discovered. It was ripped away from them as children and never had a chance to develop. Narcissists are left with the emotional maturity of a six year old. They seldom if ever cry. They consider it to be weak. They are prone to fits of rage and adult tantrums if they do not get what they want. Most people with NPD do not do well in team sports. They will choose golf over football since they can stand out from the crowd playing golf. Narcissists do not respond well to authority, and have a difficult time working for someone else. They must be their own boss. There is far less competition this way, and it is easier for the narcissist to be a big fish in a little pond rather than be a little fish in a big pond.

For narcissists there are no repercussions or accountability for their actions. Narcissists will take no responsibility for anything unless it is for their benefit. They will often abuse authority, if given to them, to manipulate situations in their favor. The most important thought to a narcissist is: “How will this help me?” or “How will this make me look?”

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The Roles

Inevitably there are people in our lives who we are forced to deal with who suffer from NPD. Those with whom do not have to maintain a close relationship with you are far better off without. Remember YOU have choices.

Life Partners, Spouses, Significant Others - One word. LEAVE. You cannot be loved by people who cannot love themselves. Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves. They loathe their true selves. It is only the image of their false self they love, and they think and expect everyone else should as well.

Other relationships- Limit contact. If you have a relative, friend, neighbor who exhibits signs of narcissistic personality disorder, do not get involved with them if at all possible. Be gracious and courteous, but do not allow them to play any role of importance in your life. People with NPD will suck the life right out of you.


Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The Boundaries

In order to prevent emotional damage from being involved with a narcissist, you must establish firm boundaries. Realize you are not a doormat, and do not EVER under any circumstances accommodate their bad behavior. The more you enable these people, the more they will feed on you. You will become nothing more than add to their feeble grandiosity.

Share your accomplishments only with those people who truly appreciate you. Don’t bother to share them with someone who will only tell you that you should have done better, or could have done more. Do not put yourself in the harsh light of their judgment. You cannot impress a narcissist, nor can you please them. If you must share your shining moments with people who will diminish your joy, do it sparingly. When the back-handed insult arrives, and it will, simply say, “Thank you for sharing your opinion.” Then walk away. Do not say another word. That’s all a narcissist can offer - their distorted opinion. How YOU feel about your accomplishments is the only thing that truly counts. You are not on this earth to please other people, or to live up to anyone else’s standards or expectations except your own.

Your instincts are your armor. Use them. Trust them. When you are asked to do something that does not feel right to you or is not something you would do independently, don’t do it. Remember that narcissists must have all the control all the time.


They fail to see that each individual in this world is the master of his or her own destiny. Narcissists believe they are the masters of everyone’s destiny. They live for control, and are not capable of compromise or negotiation. It is their way or the highway. The best advice is to get on the highway, and put the pedal to the metal.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Fighting Back (if you must)

Document EVERYTHING. If you find yourself in a situation where you are attacked as the scapegoat for the narcissist, reply with concrete evidence to the contrary. When you can prove them wrong, they will reel emotionally, withdraw, or explode in a rage. This will expose them as the unbalanced people that they truly are. They cannot face the reality of being wrong or being even being corrected. It is very confusing for them.

Narcissists do not appreciate being laughed at. You may notice they are not capable of self-deprecating humor. They are deathly afraid of people laughing at them since this contradicts the perfect image of themselves. In fact, narcissists do not laugh much at all. If they do laugh, it will usually be at someone else’s expense.

Narcissists love looking in the mirror at the illusion of themselves they have created. Sadly, what they do not realize is that what they see in the mirror is false because they have no true “self.” If you ask narcissists what it is about themselves that they love, they are hard pressed to give answers other than superficial ones. There is usually nothing of substance in their answers.

Conclusion

The best advice to someone whose life has been affected by narcissistic personality disorder is to GETOUT. Whatever it takes, GETOUT. If you think you are suffering or hurting now, it will only get worse. Narcissists cannot change. Here are some tips to help you leave.

- Dump the self-blame. It’s not your fault.
- Forget the guilt. You could never have saved him anyway.
- Cry your eyes out. Really let the tears flow. It’s cleansing and healing.
- Let him go. He was never worth it.
- Stand tall. You were the one who was too good for him.
- Smile. Inner peace will come sooner than you think.

You must come to the conclusion that, “It is NOT you.” It never was, it isn’t, and it never will be. For a narcissist, it’s all about them, just as it always will be.