Sadness

God, I don't want to cry anymore. I'm sick of it. It's so pathetic and stupid. I feel like a pathetic sad loser. This is the stupid shit that *girls* do. He doesn't want me, fine. Great. Suck it up. Get over it. He's obviously going to do whatever he's going to do, because he isn't listening to me. He isn't listening to anyone but her. My guess would be that he won't sit down and talk to anyone at all about this anyhow. If he tried talking to anyone except me about it, he might get told that it's a bad idea, and then he'd have to deal with the idea that more people than me would advise him of that, and taking advice isn't his strong suit.

Maybe I'm just being bitter. Maybe I've earned the right to be bitter? Who knows. I don't understand anything anymore. Why the fuck anyone would deliberately go looking for something else when they're perfectly happy with what they had makes no sense to me.

I have never felt anything close to how he makes me feel. I have never felt as desired by anyone in my life. I don't know how he can look at me that way, can hold me that way...and then tell me he loves someone else. The emotional bond is there. The trust is there. The connection is there. We laugh. We talk. All of the things that would ordinarily make for good compatibility are there. There is no denying just how easily we fall into each other, and how well we fit together. You had trouble keeping your hands off of me...and then, suddenly, you love her? You can't handle this, and you ran to her. And now I'm lost. And I hurt. And I'm left behind.

You say you want to keep me close. You won't leave me behind. Things will stay the same. You don't want to lose me, that I'm too important to you to risk losing. That in the last few months I've become too important to risk losing. You were so worried about that.

And not even two days have passed, and you won't even talk to me. And here I sit, alone. Once again, alone. I tried to tell you that she wouldn't allow it, that she couldn't handle the idea of you being close to me. No one ever can. And I always get left behind.

I'm always the woman who is good enough to play games with for sex...but I'm never the woman who's worth loving enough to stay with. And I'm always the woman who gets left behind, because no one is willing to fight for me.

So I'll cry. And when the tears dry, I'll have my memories this time. And I'll love you, because I can't do anything else but that. And you'll either remember or forget, because that's up to you. Everything always was. And I don't believe anymore that you don't love me. I think you're afraid of it. And that's okay. I hurt you. I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve you. But I love you. I love you more than she can, or will. And I understand you in a way I don't think she can.

You tell me you've forgiven me for the past. They say that time heals everything, and if that's true, then someday maybe you'll look around, and realize that the past is gone, and the person I am now is worth your time. And there's nothing for you to fear. You didn't give me the same chance that you're so willing to give her, and she was and is disloyal and wronged you badly. And that seems unfair to me. I'm sorry that that seems harsh to you. You can look at me, and make love with me, and hold me, and wake with me. But you won't give me the same chance you'll give her. And that hurts. That alone is the one thing you've done that's injured me. You'd give her a chance you refuse to give me.

My tears will stop. The pain will ease. But I miss you. And I'm sorry that you're gone, because this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want you to go. Even if the 'escapades' ended, I didn't want to lose you.

Goodbye my friend/lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let them frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


--not written by me--
--author unknown--

Circles

Maybe I'm simply destined to have this ache forever. Perhaps I should just learn to live with it, and move from there. I want to hold you. I want to make everything all right for you, and make the pain stop. Because I know that I can. Because I know that you can be happy.

I want to understand you. I want to be a part of you, the way that you're a part of me. And I don't believe that she's going to make you happy. But I'll step back, and step away, and wait. I'll even attempt to keep my comments to myself, because it isn't fair to you to keep running my mouth. This isn't high school, and we're all adults. And you've made your choice.

And I'll be all right. As long as you can maintain without the weirdness, I can keep the facade in place. And that's what I need from you, right now. I need to maintain. Without that, I'll bolt, because I don't know what else to do. And I don't want to do that. I have to trust what you're telling me, because I can't do anything else. But I am extremely skittish about trusting anyone at their word.

You haven't lied to me. I respect that. Even while it's hurting me, you haven't lied. Please honor that request I made, and I should be okay.

I hope.

Nevada

So I'm thinking about it. Nevada. There really isn't anything holding me in Fresno anymore. For a long time, Danny held me here, because his job is here. So I'm thinking about Nevada now, because the reasons I had before are no longer valid. I won't be going in a hurry, because such things take time, and it's somewhat complicated, the uprooting of a life and moving out of state, and I've been here a long time now. But I suspect that it will happen. My daughter is there, and my parents. Family. And the things that are still here, the things I love that are still here in Fresno...well, I can't stay here for them. I just can't.

The truth is that I hate this stupid town. I've hated it a long time. I've wanted to leave for so long that it's just become a constant ache that I ignore now. And there honestly isn't a good reason anymore to stay.

It's time, now, to start the process of putting things into motion. A slow process, to be sure. But a process nonetheless. I wish I could take the people I love with me, but that won't be possible.

Horoscopes for the day?

These are horoscopes from December 2, 2007:

In one of your newer relationships, things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum. This is a partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of what is the right thing to do. It is rare to find a person who brings out the best in you no matter what mood you're in. This is a person you can rely on -- a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you.

Do not push any of your relationships -- especially the romantic ones -- past their natural dynamic right now. As much as you might be itching for a major change, you cannot force things to go in a certain direction ... if it is meant to happen, it is meant to happen at a certain time. And that time is not today. So right now, just let things take their course. If you do, you will learn an invaluable lesson about patience and giving up some control.

****

Ok, so mind you, I didn't even see these until the *end* of today. Which makes them all the more creepy. Primarily because I don't actually read horoscopes daily. I tend to read them when I'm bored, and they're for entertainment. Weird. And they're not both mine. I actually read a bunch of different ones, for various people I care about. Because I'm strange like that. So yes, anyhow. Really oddball horoscopes for the day.

I'm going to go and curl up under my blankets now, because I'm very creeped out to begin with, because some weird random crashing noise commenced earlier, and Mona and I are both freaked out by it. There are no boys around, and the loud crashing didn't help. It's just one of those days where I'm easily spooked. It sucks.

Secret word of the week

The word of the week is:

"desideratum"

and

"ersatz"

Goodbye to you

The bruises on my skin will fade fast. The bruises on my heart? Not as quickly. But fade they will. And the time approaches when things will change. Because things always change. Semantics aside, I didn't lie. I didn't even try to lie. And I suspect that you chose to forget what I said to you. I asked you for nothing. I still ask for nothing. Nothing more than what we have. I stood in the rain, and I told you the straight, unvarnished truth. I love you. Without boundaries. Without limits, and without complications. And it scared you so much that all you could tell me was that you can't be that man for me. I didn't ask you to be anything for me. I'm still not asking you to be anything.

My heart is whole again. Bruised, to be sure. But no longer broken. The gaping wounds of the past are gone now. The scars will fade now, and the pain of the injuries I've carried for so long can heal. I won't try to say that I don't feel anything. That would be a lie. I will say that what I feel and how I'll handle it are my concern, and that I will be fine. You need not fear for my injury. I'm stronger than that.

I knew what I was getting into. I have no regrets. And when it ends, I'll still have no regrets. Because I'm whole now. Because I have back what I lost, and I can move forward without regrets, and move on. With or without you, I have that now. You gave me that.

You've given me a lot of things. Then. Now. Always. A way to be someone who could love, even though I did it wrong the first time. Someone who could be gentle, and kind and loyal. Someone who was valued for more than what I believed. You gave me a reason to believe in myself, and to trust. I'll still have that.

And in the end...I still have you.