Secret word of the week

It's Sunday again...the weeks are passing quickly lately for me, or so it seems. And so we're back around to another new word of the week. And this week I need to choose another.

What should the word for this week be?

This week, we shall have:

"Zeitgeist"

Because that seems to be what I feel right now...You can look it up, if it doesn't immediate ring bells for you.

I am not like them

I am myself. No one else. Each person can be no one but themselves, correct? And as such, I can be no one but me. And I am not like them. Do not judge the way I will respond by the way you've been treated. And please don't think that I will do to you as they have done.

I am not them.

I am sad today. There is a vast emptiness inside of me because I feel as though I have failed and should somehow be giving more than I am. Should be supplying something that I'm not. Helping somehow in a way that I'm not, and I do not know how to give or do more than I already am. This is my failing, and I know not how to overcome it. I hold your face in my hands, and I am complete in that moment. But you are not, and I don't know how to help you. I am, briefly, whole again, and it is a feeling I wish you could share. Even for a moment, that feeling of being complete is wonderful.

Would I leave, if things change? No, not for anything. I would fight with everything I have to keep you a part of my life, in any way necessary. You are important to me. It pains me that I never explained that to you. It breaks my heart that I don't have the words for you to make it clear easily. You matter. *YOU* matter. You can take away the other things, and it's you who matters, not the other things. I can live without those things. But I need you in my life. That matters to me, and I would fight to keep you as a part of it. Will fight for it, if it came to that. I won't lose you again.

Secret word of the week

This week's secret word of the week is "ashamed".

The greatest love

I wonder about that. I wonder about a lot of things. What makes someone love? Why do you love someone? Why love, instead of friendship? Why love instead of lust? Why a bond instead of attraction? What's the basis for the differences?

What causes the differences in how people feel? Not that I have the answers, by any stretch of the imagination. I can't even differentiate in the feelings in myself, much less make the distinctions for anybody else. But I've been thinking about it lately.

And I'd mentioned that I wanted to blog about it, so here I am.

I am apathetic about most things, a great deal of the time. I feel loyalty very strongly, but it's not for a great many people. I was talking to an acquaintance of mine last night, and I referenced a friend of mine, who is intensely loyal to me, who I am equally loyal to in return. And he was surprised to hear of this loyalty, because it wasn't something he associated with her. And I can't think of her in any other terms.

I love her, unquestionably. She is loyal to me, without qualm. I wouldn't want to be the poor soul who has the bad sense to badmouth me in her presence. I know I pity the poor idiot who badmouths her in *my* presence. And it's a good feeling. And while I occasionally have sexual feelings for women, there is absolutely no attraction for this female. I love her to pieces. But it's a completely platonic love. Which brings me around to the various types of love, and how to feel them.

I don't quite understand what makes people, and me in particular, tick. Especially where emotions are involved. Because I am so detached so much of the time, it's very odd for me to try and line up feelings, so I can understand how I'm supposed to be feeling at any given moment.

I have discovered recently that I see things in a very black and white fashion, and that a lot of society does not agree with my black and white view. Grey areas don't sit well with me. Hypocrisy does not sit well with me.

I do what I say I am going to do, and I act the way I say I am going to act. I am what I present to the world, and take it or leave it, I am who I claim to be. I am fast coming to the conclusion that this is not the case for the majority of people. And that disappoints me. And it leaves me with a very difficult way of functioning around people who say one thing and do another.

It also leaves me at a loss for being able to trust people who say they love me. It's very hard for me to trust anyone in general. It's becoming harder for me now to trust anyone whose actions and words don't match. And it's nothing personal. It's just that I'm having a lot of trouble recently, adjusting to all the changes that have been takig place, and so I don't quite know how to handle the things that are going on around me. And par for the course, my normal response is to simply step back and watch until things settle around me, and then make a decision.

I'm not in any great rush to make uninformed decisions. I have no pressing need to make changes without knowing all of where things lay, so I can just drift. Too many people are in too great a rush, whereas I am generally content to let things be. When the dust settles, I'll still be here. And then I'll figure out what I want to do.

Wow, that was somewhat off topic. Well, not entirely. Back to how people categorize things.

I have a friend named (censored), who I absolutely love to pieces. He is teh awesome, and I can talk to him and know he understands me. I don't have to think about what I'm saying to him, and I know that no matter what I say, he doesn't judge me, and that he will keep my secrets, and he loves me. I *know* this. And I can flirt with him. And he flirts back. And he is the bestest thing ever. And if I called and needed someone's shoulder to cry on, or somewhere to run to, I could both cry on him, or run to him, and he would be right there. Because he's (censored), and that's what he does, and who he is for me. And yet, there is absolutely no kind of underlying 'bone jumping' urge between the two of us. A long time ago, we were both accused of having that kind of involvement. That was seven years ago. Neither one of us is still involved with the people who accused us of that. And yet the two of us are still extremely good, close friends. Go figure. He also gives teh most bestest of hugs. Yay!

But in spite of all those things, it never occurred to me to try and find a romantic attachment with (censored). That spark just wasn't there. And I don't know why. He's a wonderful man. He's smart, he's attractive, he's well-spoken. He's got all of the qualities I find attractive in a man, and yet. It's just not there.

Which leaves me curious about what it is that causes two people to end up as lovers rather than friends. What is it that makes it so that you can have emotional bonds instead of physical ones? Why can you be with some people and not keep your hands off each other? And others you can have meetings of the mind, but no inclination at all to have grope-fest 2007?

Ahh, I give up. If anybody has any insight here, I'm all ears. Opinions? Advice? Just random babble, please post here!

Never say never

Music is an interesting thing for me. It has associations in my memory, and I never really think about it until something triggers a memory. It isn't always necessarily the words to a song, sometimes it's the background beat. Sometimes it's the words. Sometimes it's something as simple as a snippet of rhythm. It varies depending on my mood. I'm fairly random that way.

I can be listening to something, and place it with "Wow, that was (insert year here)". And that will trigger a memory for me, and with my faulty memory, that can be helpful or painful, depending on what's going on at the time.

I wonder if other people have that same issue? Where music is tied to memory? I see it, sometimes, in the eyes of others. I've been out with friends, driving down the street, and had the radio on. A certain song will come on, and we'll all have been having a good time, and the song will fire up, and one or the other of us will suddenly have a mood swing, because of whatever happens to come on. It's like a light switch because of the associations. I wonder if there are studies of that kind of things.

I'm neurotic that way. Let's study the phenomenon! Tinker with the brains of others, and tell me whether or not there's actual scientific evidence to link memory to music!

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

Secret word of the week

This week we have *two* words of the week, because I just can't make up my mind :)

This week's words of the week are:

Masturbation and fornication.

Carry on children.


Wheee!!!!!!!!

I don't need anything

Or anyone...Wouldn't that be nice? Meh, not true though. I need people sometimes. Everyone does. I don't need many people very often. And even then, I don't like admitting it aloud. I'm just feeling a little off today, and so I'm blogging while I sit in quiet contemplation in my room. The radio is playing in the living room, and I can barely hear it, so it's mostly just background noise. Ezzie is sitting in my windowsill and keeping me company. I love my kitty.

I can't just talk. I can't just sit down and face to face talk to people. I'm not good at that. I want to be. I simply lack those skills. Even with practice, I'm not sure that I'll ever be good at that sort of thing. I was once. I had interpersonal skills, and could easily talk for hours in a one-on-one situation. I lost those skills at some point, and now I'm better off with a computer keyboard. I do better with a screen between myself and others.

This is random, and I apologize to anyone who is reading it and is getting confused here. Just gonna have to bear with me and my confused ramblings.

Catch everybody later.