...controlling controversy...

Ever feel like you're being hit from all sides? It feels that way to me occasionally, and this has definitely been one of those weeks. And don't get me wrong, I'd be in a *lot* worse shape than I could be, if someone hadn't been here with me all week, helping to hold me together, and I know it. But I also know that that can't last forever, and he'll go home, probably after the weekend, and I'm going to need to pull myself back together on my own.

I've had a series of panic attacks this week, which knocked out my speech. I was more or less catatonic as I had pointed out to me, even though I was trying very hard to convince myself that I was doing just fine. Ah, self-delusion for the win. Not so much, huh? I guess I'm actually somewhat breaking under the strain, and I hate it. And there just doesn't seem to be much I can do about it, and I am just so damned tired. And I want it all to stop, and that doesn't help either.

And I'm still just sitting here, watching everything around me, and I feel so damned detached that it frightens me somewhat. I keep trying, to reconnect, and failing. I haven't felt this disassociated from the people and things that I loved in a long time, and that makes me so afraid that I might not ever get back to a feeling of normalcy again. There aren't very many people that I feel safe or secure with these days, that I trust at all, to talk to, to explain how I'm feeling at all. I give the most basic of answers when people ask me questions, because I'm not inclined to trust anyone.

I realized, recently, how few people actually see me, when they look at me. And it unnerved me. I've always thought it, but to actually have that feeling validated, that they way I thought people were viewing me, and the fact that they can't see through the mask I wear? I didn't realize that people are that unobservant. As for the most part, the mask is only in place to keep out those I don't care about, not to block out people who care enough to look past it.

I came face to face with the reality of that, when someone who truly looked directly at me called me on those discrepancies. But it unnerved me, because so few people bother to actually look at me, it caught me off guard. I wasn't angry, I was simply shocked, to have anyone notice.

I write this blog, day in and day out, I write pieces of me. Things I see other places. Rants when I'm upset. Anecdotes, humor pieces, advice, so many bits and pieces and just assorted things. All of the parts of me that go into my writing, and that are put out there, for people to criticize and evaluate and mull over, and then give feedback and leave comments for. And I get a fair amount of commentary on here, whether or not I actually allow it all to make it through to everyone else to see. And that's fine, because not everything that gets commented on, needs to be posted all the way through to this blog.

But in the end, what I write here, is a simple, straightforward way for me to get out all the noise that's going on in my head, that I'm *comfortable* putting out for the internet masses to see. If I wasn't alright with everyone seeing what was going on inside my head, it wouldn't be here. I have other places that I write, that are private, that are not fodder for the masses, that can't be accessed by people who can push my buttons, and manipulate me at will. I know better than that.

I *enjoy* writing here, as Controversy. I do. But I'm certainly not going to expose every thing that goes through my mind to the world, and what I put up here, isn't edited, because I do know better than to leave myself wide-open to have something ripped open.

I know who reads this site, I know who has access to push my buttons here. I could have taken it down, and run away, like so many other people have done, because of me, when they had their own blogs like this one. I simply have more emotional fortitude. Or maybe I'm just fucking stubborn, I don't know. So, now that so much time has passed, my presence remains, and my words keep coming, and I keep writing. And sometimes I hurt, and sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I cry. And when somebody says something I don't like, I tend to shrug, and go on with my day, because at the end of the day? They can't hurt me here.

*No one* can inflict any amount of pain upon me, that I won't allow, through this medium. Sort of a "sticks and stones" philosophy. Words only hurt me, when I give them power, and I choose to not give anyone any amount of power to manipulate me.

This? This is *my* world, here. I created it. I craft it, and I control it. Anything I think, or say, or do, or feel, here, is a result of some part of *me*, and no one else but me has no means of control here.