for green cookies, stir fry dinners, dogs down playing at the river, family, and love...please don't forget...I'm so sorry...

No one enjoys being a blind idiot. Well, I suppose some people do, but I'm not one of them.

I also don't particularly enjoy hurting people, or hurting myself. As it turns out, I managed to do both, without ever realizing it. Problem with the whole fucking situation? It happened so many years ago that by now, as it has been so nonchalantly put it - that ship has long since sailed, and I wasn't on it, and even if I try to take a new ship to get there, I'm fairly sure I'm not welcome anymore.

Have you ever stopped and looked at your life, looked back at it, and wondered where the time went? Thought about the choices you made, or the decisions you've made, and wondered what would have happened if...?

The truth is, that's not something I have ever spent a lot of time thinking about. Suddenly I've been thinking about such things, and I gotta say, it sort of sucks. I was always one of the people who knew that you can't change the past, so dwelling on it didn't do a whole lot of good, so what was the point, right?

Yeah, well, apparently I was just sticking my head in the sand so that I didn't need to deal with the emotions and loss that could and does come with it. I think I'd rather be oblivious. It doesn't hurt as much.

I used to lament my missing memories, because I thought it was a curse. As it turns out? Maybe it wasn't so bad. Knowing what I lost, sometimes, it really really hurts more than I ever imagined.

I saw something once that told me that I should write about what I know. This is what I know.

I'm thirty six years old. I am far from perfect. I made the worst made in judgement imaginable and it cost me something and someone I may never get back, and that's something I have to learn to accept. It is going to take some time, possibly a lot of time, to heal from the wounds I put myself in a position in to be damaged this badly from. I need to figure out who I am now, and where it is that I want to go from here.

The only thing I know for sure, with all of the mixed up things in my screwed up life, is that I *do not* want to lose my friends.

I allowed myself to be isolated and I'm sorry for that, but I can't change it. I hope you love me enough to forgive me and my stupidity, and will love me still, and come back, because I still love you.

Day by day, I'll get stronger, and as time passes, I *will* heal.