As I sit here typing, I cannot read. I also can't write anything with a pen. The reason that I type, is because some type of memory typing lets me do this.
The truth be told, I feel defeated, about pretty much everything most of the time. I go through each day more or less faking it, as though I'm alright. Well, I do until I fall apart, and then I cry. I can't even come up with the actual words I want, because I can't correctly spell them.
For all intents and purposes, I might as well be blind, only I can see. And it hurts me. I go to sleep, and I keep hoping that I will wake up, and I will be fine in the morning, but it keeps not hopening.
I have all these walkers and a canes and my balance is all screwballed, and I'm so fucking sleeping all the time, no matter what I do, and I just want to be DONE already.
I was supposed to go up there, and they were supposed to fix me, and I could come home, and go back to school, and everything would be normal again...and then now? This? This is not me...I'm not me anymore. And I hate it. I can't do anything for myself, and I hate it.
I think about lawsuits and chemo and radiation and still being sick for god only knows for you long, and a lot of the time I just want to give up utterly. I'm told that's all perfectly normal...yay. Which is kind of depression too.
This is probably not making sense anymore, because I kind of lost my train of thought...so I'll stop now...I just had to say SOMETHING, so that I could remind myself that I'm still in here, that I'm still me, even if it didn't seem that all the time...maybe I can't get my worlds out while I'm speaking, and maybe I can't use a pen....but maybe, eventually, I'll be able to be me again...if only still here....
4 comments:
I just started reading your blog recently...and I don't know what your medical history is, except that you recently had brain surgery. I can't imagine how frustrating and scary it must be to be going through this right now.
What I wanted to tell you is that I have a friend who's son has gone through multiple brain surgeries in the past year. And each time, it takes him some time to become himself again. He goes through periods of not being able to walk, talk, read, speak...and then those things return. He has gone through times of having to relearn who everyone around him is, how to eat or dress himself. But it all eventually comes back to him. I know this must sound depressing and maybe not what you need to hear. The point of my message to you is that it does get better. Your brain needs to heal and learn how to work again....and once it gets better, so will you. Keep doing what you are able to do, adding a bit gradually.... it does get better.
Thoughts are with you....
I just wanted to leave a thanks to coachswoman...that did help me feel a lot better, thinking that you know someone know gets those thinks back...
Thanks a lot :)
I just created my own blog today, and I hit the next blog button out of curiosity, and it was yours. Your post took my breath away, as your words made clear what you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you, and I fervently wish you better health.
/Some Farkette
I read your blog,I feel sorry for you because of what your going through. I have never been through it so... sorry. Eventually you'll be alright. I hope you are gonna be ok. good luck!
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