Something wicked this way comes

That sounds dire, doesn't it? I haven't blogged in weeks, and I know it. And that's primarily because I haven't been certain what precisely I wanted to write in here. I have a fairly stable readerbase, and because of that, and the fact that I know that people read this, I haven't known what to say.

Thanks to all of you who have been worried about me. I'm doing...I'm doing okay. I won't say that I'm dancing on the rooftops, because that would be a lie. But I'm holding my own.

For those of you who are not in the loop, because I haven't been screaming from the rooftops or calling anyone either, I've been both ill and having problems in my relationship lately.

I've had a series of Fibromyalgia and Lupus flares for the last few weeks which have completely knocked me on my ass because of the winter storms running through Fresblow, and I haven't been handling them well at all. Queue the tiny violins (grin wryly), and so I've been hiding from, well, pretty much everything off and on. I took a fair amount of painkillers, and buried myself in my apartment with the intention of sleeping through it as often as possible. As it turns out, I muchly do not like the feeling of being high that my painkillers cause now that my anti-seizure medications work the way they are intended to work.

But it's been a rough few weeks with the storms rolling through.

And it's also been a rough few weeks for me, because Phillip and I have been having problems. A lot of problems. I don't know yet, whether or not those problems are going to be solved, or how that's going to turn out. For right now, we're doing all right. I've been under a fair amount of stress, primarily because I was being stupid. And I'd been fighting with a lot of people because of it. I didn't and don't want to lose Phil. I've said that before. But I also am not willing to be a doormat, and get walked on. And my friends are frustrated with me, because they think that is what is going on, and as they see it, that's how I've been treated.

I know my friends are angry with me. They believe that I shouldn't allow anyone to treat me with anything other than roses and chocolates and accolades of how much I'm loved and adored and things of that nature. And while I appreciate to a certain extent their support, I really do, I also know that now it's time for them to back off some.

Phillip and I are going to attempt to make a go of whatever it is that we're doing together. It may or may not work. Such is life. And I'm okay with that. And I guess what I'm asking is that my friends try and respect that. I know that some of you don't like him. I know that you don't approve of my decision in this. But the simple fact is that while you don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and why I'm willing to take him back and make this work, the choice is still mine. And I do love him.

I'm not asking you to like him. I'm not asking you to be his friend. I'm asking you to be civil, and to not judge me. And I'm asking you to understand that I'm an adult, and to know that I'm not wearing blinders, and to know that I won't make the same mistake twice. It won't happen again. And I won't stay to be trod upon. I'm not a doormat, you have no need to worry on that score.

And he's treating me well, and he cares for me. You need not fear for me. If he stops treating me well, this will end, whether I love him and want him or not. Worry not about that.

So that's my update, late though it might be. Don't throw rocks, there's been damage enough done already. Pain enough has been inflicted, and the only one who needs to be angry and hurt is me. I don't want any one else casting stones. I don't want any one else trying to defend me. I can defend myself now. I appreciate the idea, and the attempt, but I am alright. I'll ask, if I need to. I'll cry on shoulders if I need them, I promise. But for right, I'm doing alright.

Trust goes both ways, and damage has been done by both. I'm choosing to let that damage go, on both sides. Guilt can eat someone alive, if they let it. I should know, mine has eaten at me for a long time. I won't ask anyone to not feel bad for pain they have caused. I will ask that they not castigate themselves unduly for what's over.

This blog is long enough, now. That's my update for right now. I'll probably post again later, something a little lighter, a little more "fun".

Latez, people.