The best things in life *are* free

Wow, I'm going to sit and be a somewhat egotistical jerk. And gloat just a tad, while laughing. It appears that while I hadn't really given it a lot of thought for quite a while, I'm still being followed on both Facebook, and over here on my blog (which I haven't even been writing on a whole lot lately, because I've been either sick of busy, or both). I actually loosened up the restrictions on my FB search parameters, because I've been adding some people, my boyfriend's family, my cousins, people like that, and it was a pain in the butt having to search out everybody. And when I was writing a post somewhere, I realized that somebody have vanished from somebody's friend list...and then it dawned on me, that they hadn't disappeared....*I* got blocked. Which is comical, since the only reason to block me, was if she'd gone looking for my page in the first place :P

So yeah, since she's reading my blog...we're deliriously happy. We're living together, and absolutely nauseatingly happy. We spend time with his family, who accepted me just fine. I've met the parents, the grandparents, the cousins, the aunts, uncles, etc. It's just a big, happy lovefest. We're both in school, working on our degrees, and after all this time as it turns out, you having wrecked my life and having made him so miserable? Was the absolute best thing you could have done to me, because he loves me more than anybody thought possible, and he appreciates me more than *I* ever thought possible. So thanks for that, because it would have taken a lot more time, had he not had a reason to see how close he came to losing me completely.

So, goodnight internets. I've got a movie to finish watching, and then snuggles to have, and sleep to follow.

Pursuit of happyness

It's taken me a while, to put this blog up, because I had things I needed to do, and people who I needed to take care of, before I could. Because those people are important enough to me, to make damn certain that they were not wounded, when I put this here. Because I've been happy for a few months, and I'm happy now, and the reasons are not the same. But both are important to me. And both will continue to be important to me. I will not give up either one, although they will be completely separate in their contexts or relationships. As I continue to be who I am, and my loyalty as always will remain.

What do you do, when something that you wanted desperately, with every fiber of your being, suddenly appears in front of you, and offers you the words that you wanted to hear? That you are cherished, and you are loved, and that everything can be alright again, and there's a chance at the happiness you thought you lost, and that a mistake had been made? No secrets, no hiding, no lies. Just a chance to rectify a mistake, and a chance to be happy now. What do you do then? What do you do when an apology you thought you'd never hear is given, and everything you want is right there for the taking?

Oh, I loved him. With everything I had, with everything I was, I loved him. I didn't doubt it, I didn't question it, I gave him everything and would have given up anything if it made him happy. I took care of him, and I got broken for my efforts. And I haven't forgotten any of those things. And it took me a very long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of soul searching, and a long time, to get to where I am now. And where I am? It's a good place to be. And over the course of that time, and the very slow process of healing, I stopped being in love with him. I still care about him, still wanted to know that he was alright. But very slowly, I stopped being in love with him. And I moved on.

And it hurt. It cost me, a lot, to let that dream go. But let it go, I did. My dreams changed, and the person I became changed as well, into a much stronger, and more self-reliant person. Someone who had the ability to look at the dreams I had once, and to see what was flawed. And what I was doing to myself, and what I had allowed myself to become.

And when I look, now, at him, what I see isn't the same either. And that overwhelming and crushing desire to give him anything, to be anything if he can just want me? That isn't there anymore. I still care about him. I realized at some point, that I'm always going to care, a part of me will always love him. But there's an equality now. I know that I deserve something more than to be hidden in the shadows, out of the light. And what he offered, was more than what it used to be.

And I'm happy now, standing within his arms, and I'm not hidden in the dark, which is where I always was. There's no shame now, with him. And that was there before as well. There was always someone else that he was searching for, someone else he wanted to hold above me. I was someone to pass the time for him, until the person he wanted more could be available. That shames me.

I'm not ashamed anymore. I am the woman he wants now, because I wouldn't have settled for anything less than that. He makes me happy, and finally, when he looks at me, he *does* look at me. And he's happy with me. And he'd finally realized the mistake that he made, and gave me the words, words I needed to hear, to heal a very large wound that he caused, when he left. That damage is going to be there, for a while. But it helped. It continues to help.

It isn't going to be an immediate fix. But each day that passes, heals a little more. And I missed him, so much, that it was like a hole was missing from inside of me. And having him back feels like I'm complete. It always did.

I can live without him, I proved that, both to myself, and him, when he left. I can do it again, if I have to. But I'd rather not. I'd rather stand at his side, and be happy. I waited, a long time, for that. I'm sorry, that it angers others, but I'll make my own choices, as I always have. I'm sorry it hurts so many people that he cares about as well. But that was his choice too, when he came after me.

We deserve to be happy, everyone does. We're not harming anyone else. If you can't be happy for us? Please, just leave us alone.

Secret word of the week

My word of the week this week is:

"solitary"

As defined by www.dictionary.com

And a slight update for my life, because I choose to not make a different post. My grandfather is still with me, for another week or so, and then he'll be moving up north, to live with another of his children, not to Nevada, as I had originally thought. He seems to be doing alright, although it's kind of hard to tell from day to day. I'm still holding things together, because that's what I do. I'm not sure how well I'll hold it together once he's gone.

I'm more or less buried under schoolwork, and this is mid-term week as well, which is going to be...complicated, with my grandfather here, but I'll manage. I hope? There isn't a lot I can do. I am under a colossal amount of stress, and once things are settled with my Aunt Amy's body, and my grandfather is settled up north, I suspect that I will pull further back into my shell than I had before.

I would ordinarily apologize now, for the feelings I might be about to bruise by my pulling away from people, but I'm not going to anymore. Everyone said all the right things about being there if I need them, and how I can always call, during my time of need or whatever this last week. But when it came right down to it, I know now exactly who I can count on, when I really *need* someone. The people who actually physically showed up, and were willing to drop everything when there was truly an emergency in *my* life, the same way I always have for everyone else.

And I have to admit, that I'm feeling really raw, and really hurt. There is one person who didn't make it to my side, and the only thing that prevented her/them from being here? Was sheer distance, or she'd've been standing here right now, and I know it. So for my EastCoast sweetheart, know that. I know very well that if you could have, you'd be sitting here eating chocolate with me, and this doesn't apply to you. On the other hand, she's called, every day, and done nothing but asked how I am, and listened to me rant, and said nothing about all the problems I know damned well she's been dealing with. And I appreciate that more than I can even begin to express. I love you.

So yes. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed, and I'm just...tired. I'm tired of all of it. I have bent over backwards, for everyone, and I rarely actually ask anything for myself, of anyone. I listen to everybody's problems, and don't really ask for anybody to try and help me out with mine. But this week? I *needed* help. If nothing else, I needed support, and comfort.

And I freely admit, that I said, at the complete base of the pit of hell, that all I really wanted was Phillip, this week. And three people who honestly would rather have eaten nails, than heard me say those words? Those three people, I know now, actually did what they could, to try and find him for me. Because I hurt, and I didn't and don't want to be alone. And that would have made me feel better. And knowing that they were all three willing to suck it up, and try to make it better for me, meant worlds to me. I know they don't approve. I know what it cost them, to try and do that for me, whether he showed up or not.

I feel...empty. I feel solitary, and lost. Trying to keep my grandfather going, and trying to figure out why I feel alone and empty is hard. And I've been tempted, more tempted than I like admitting, to do something utterly stupid, and I've fought that off. I had and have too many people counting on me. My little brother would be crushed to see me crumble. My grandfather needs me too much. I don't have the option of falling apart.

But now? Now that I'm still holding it together? I've decided that I'm not sure anymore, whether I want to keep trying to make time for, and help out, everyone else...When apparently, no one cares enough to do that for me, not when it really matters. I realize that it's not supposed to be something kept score of. And I don't generally keep a running tally of such things. But at this point, I have completely depleted emotional reserves. And when something damages you this badly, it becomes difficult to care about anyone anymore, when they show such little concern, really. And fluffy words are so easy to say, when there's no real action behind them.

I need to think. And when my thinking is done, then my decisions will most likely be made.

On the good ship, lollipop...

I've still got a fair amount of stuff I need to get done for school, and I'll get to it, but my solution for my current problems? Is to simply go and burn off my frustration with sex. A lot of it, since there's no good reason not to.

The simple truth is that the men that I care about and love, they don't give a shit about me, not if they stop and really think honestly to themselves. Or if they actually do care about me, in any fashion? They have done one stellar job of proving that they can treat me like absolute garbage, with no concern in the slightest for my well-being, or concern for my feelings.

In one corner, we have my supposed best friend Danny, who managed to say without so much as considering the implications of it, that of course if things go south, he'd be able to move back in with me. Sure he would! Notwithstanding the fact that for the entire last year, I've had to rebuild my life without him, because he moved on without a backward glance in my direction, and I was just supposed to be fine with that, while he fucked her silly in front of me. But of course, if everything falls apart with her, sure he'd be able to move right back in, because hey, why wouldn't he be able to? What the fuck? Does he seriously not see how crass that was, on the heels of "okay" in the termination of communication, and a friendship, the automatic assumption that of course he'd be able to and welcome to move back in? What am I? However much I might care, does that give you leave to treat me as disposable while you ignore me 90% of the time, and ban me from your house, and basically ditch our friendship, and expect to be welcome to live here if she dumps you? And you expect to *not* be hated? Seriously? And me to not be offended, and you expect hugs, and everything to be bunnies and fucking sunshine?

And in the other corner, we have Phillip, who swore up and down, knowing how insecure I was, that if Colleen gave him an ultimatum, he was not going to walk away from a friendship that he valued, because of a woman. He wasn't that spineless, and he would never abandon a friend he trusted and depended on. He wouldn't allow an ultimatum of that sort, ever. We'd discussed it at length, and I laughed at him, and told him that he'd never choose a friend over a girlfriend, and he assured me repeatedly, that he'd never do that, abandon a friend. I was being silly, and I should stop worrying.

Cue the shitty two-line email, and never hearing from him again, when the ultimatum came down, and the fact that she did exactly what I'd predicted, and he never did bother to contact me again. And I wasn't at fault in that entire mess, and I never did hurt him. We were friends. We were lovers. And he walked away from that friendship without a backwards glance, without any apology, because he had to have her. And he never returned. So much for the value of friendship, or loyalty, or anything else.

So now, I'm not really inclined to go looking to have a "boyfriend", or looking for a commitment. Looking to get laid? Sure, sex is fun, and I like to fuck and get off just as much as anybody else. But trusting someone to not screw me over? Not a chance. Because the people I trusted, have completely fucked me over. I don't have any belief at all that someone is going to look at me, and see something kind and tender, and not completely rip it away.

Oh, I value myself just fine these days, make no mistake about that. I actually do have quite a lot of self-esteem, and I know what I want. But what I want isn't to allow anyone else to get close now, and to give them the opportunity to rip me to shreds again, and leave. I tried that, doesn't work for me.

I don't need you anymore. You've both done an outstanding job of proving to me just how little I was valued by either of you, ever. You've done a beautiful job of teaching me how to stand on my own, and how to take what I want, without feeling any need to give anything back now. Thanks for that. I guess I needed a wake up call. Maybe I should have learned sooner how to be a little more selfish.

Perhaps I should learn how to pretend to be a self-centered pampered little princess too, and then maybe *all* the boys will try to fall in love with me, and I can grind them under my heels like the women you two morons seem to want to chase after, and I can sit and laugh at you just like they do.

Choice, Direction, Nature - Mine

That's it, isn't it. Finally. I'm free. I hadn't realized. I'm free to come and go as I please, and I do. It's my choice, and while Fate might circumvent me in the end, and I might not end up precisely the way I plan, for right now, it's my choice, as it never was before. I can choose my own direction, even if it's the wrong one.

And yes, I love him. I've always loved him. I always will. I won't lie about it, even to myself. There's no point. Even if I'm wrong, even if I make a mistake, I won't lie about it. I love him more than anything. But I won't belong to him.

I won't be anyone's convenience, not ever again. Any belonging, if it ever happens, will be on both sides, or not at all. It will be complete. I've given myself before, to someone who didn't love me. It seemed like it was the sensible thing to do, and it seemed like it was the right choice. I did it because I was afraid, and because I thought that no one would ever want me. I was afraid no one ever would.

I was afraid to be alone. I hate admitting that to myself. I was terrified of being alone. That's just not true anymore. And I owe thanks to Danny and Phillip both, in the end, for having left me completely alone, as afraid as I was. Because now? I'm not afraid at all. I've learned how to be alone, and to like myself. To respect myself. I've learned to respect who I am.

The fact that I can be alone doesn't mean that I have to be, it means that I don't need to be with anyone else anymore. I don't need to be a part of anyone else to be happy anymore. I don't have to change the life that I've finally started for myself anymore, to throw myself into someone else's line of vision, just to "complete" myself.

I come first now. Me, Crystal. I will not settle anymore, for one inch less than everything. Just because I'm in love with him, just because I want him more than I ever wanted anything, does not mean that I will throw everything I have built in the last year away, to chase after him like a lost puppy. I have more self-respect than that, and I value myself more than that now.

I'll do the choosing this time. I'll choose my direction, and follow my own path now. I have the capacity to love, with a whole heart now, and to share a part of my life. But I won't be a convenience, and I won't be a toy. I don't need to be. I'll be a friend, because that's in my nature. Because I know myself now. Because I've had time to heal, and to think, and to evaluate who I am, and who I want to be.

I'm Crystal. Finally. And it took me a damned long time to get here.

Thank you Brody, it's cocktastic!

Okay, so anyone who reads Brody's blog from here will see that I did indeed sit and discuss lesbians this morning with her, and the perfect male penis specimen. Yeah, so our conversations over tea and breakfast tend to run the gamut, and this morning due to a slight case of, well, horny, we ended up discussing sex and the various aspects of perfectly aesthetically pleasing cocks. The truth is, I've only come across a couple that I personally considered beautiful. And only one that fascinated me to the point that I just could not keep my hands (mouth, anything else) off of it.

I suppose I could write poetry for it. And I might. That would be some funny shit. Poetry about Phil's Perfect Penis. That'd be classic. Most men think that their equipment is the best thing ever, but honestly, it's just not true. Sure, yay, look there's a cock there. But they're not all that interesting for the most part. What was it Holly told me once? "You can make me cum, that doesn't make you God?" And I thought it was hilarious. I guess it's a line from a movie, but I hadn't seen it, so I was amused.

But for Phil? His was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I could have sat there and admired the sheer male perfection of it for hours. I understand why artists choose to sculpt such things, because a cock can be silky and sweet, and hard and soft and such a myriad of things, all at the same time. It's an unending, fascinating toy, and a wonderfully complex tool, all at once.

Add in a man who knows exactly how to utilize what he has? And yes, stars shine, and music plays, and whatever it is, ladies, that all those ridiculous authors are writing about? There it is.

Don't get me wrong, any man who takes some time to make his partner happy is a good man. But something about a man with that perfectly aesthetically soft silky penis fascinates me. Because I will sit and worship that thing all day long. As I, unfortunately, proved time and again. It was like a sickness, how much I wanted it. And if given the chance, I'd probably do it again, because I couldn't help it. The idea of it makes my head spin, and works me up.

Damn Brody for even getting me started on thinking about it.

So that's my thought for the day. Cocks in all their glory, and Phillip's in particular. Long may it...stay hard? I hope someone appreciates it. I certainly did.

Oops

Maybe I was wrong, and things aren't sunshine and roses for Phil. Public apology if that's the case, I wasn't trying to piss anyone off, I actually was happy for him. I don't have an ax to grind anymore. But as I said a while back, I still keep an eye on his blog, and he seems to be running fast and furious at the moment, and is frustrated at someone's arrogance. If that was me for something, then I guess I apologize for whatever I did this time. Although to be fair, I don't figure he gives a fuck about me anymore, so chances are it's not me. But in the interest of not picking up anymore negative karma points for that entire thing?

There ya go.

While I'm still pretty stressed about some stuff lately, I don't think I'd want to have to go through life with a fuck the world attitude. While my circle of friends has gotten a lot smaller, and I'm a lot more cautious about who I trust anymore in the last few months? If I'm hurting, I'm still going to go and simply ask for help, and someone to talk to.

I won't work myself into a frustrated manic fit over anything, not anymore. I know who can help me, and I'll damned well ask at this point, to keep my mental stability in check. Life is easier that way. I'm not so stubborn as to fall down into a pit of despair, and end up twisted first. I've learned better.

Where was I going with that? Fuck, I don't even remember. I have to go and find my shoes, I was supposed to be somewhere like a half hour ago.

Seeking:

Acquaintances who are willing to bump into each other occasionally. Naked. With our crotches.


My gods, how I love Questionable Content. I truly do. I wish I'd had those kinds of acquaintances when I was in college. Oh wait! I *am* in college! I knew karma had to smile on me at some point!

In all seriousness though. So the asshat over the weekend notwithstanding, I suppose I'm doing alright, aside from a slight case of the "damn, I need to get laid". Which I'll probably get around to doing shortly. Maybe all the people who kept telling Stacey that night at the bar that all she needed to do to get over Phillip was get under someone else. Maybe they were right? I'm beginning to think that perhaps they had the correct idea. I didn't think so at the time, of course that might have had something to do with the fact that I didn't agree with the amount of alcohol she had in her system.

My personal opinion on deep emotional attachments is that they can go take a hike, but that's been my long-standing opinion. I'm a little bummed that I won't be watching football this season, because I never got around to getting that HD antenna for my TV, so I can't bring in the games, and the season or pre-season stuff all kicked off. Kind of sucks. But I suppose I've been busy enough that I wouldn't be watching it all that often anyway. It's crossed my mind a couple of times recently that it might be nice to be able to watch the election coverage, or the debates, but I can always watch them online. I'm torn though, because sometimes it feels like I'm cut off from what goes on in the world, even though I have internets. It's very peculiar.

Oh, ha. I got summoned for jury duty. LOL.

Oh, yes. And I called Phillip's phone when his suicide blogs went back online and realized it's been disconnected. I think I was going to give one more last-ditch effort at repairing that breach, but that more or less established neatly for me that he was fine now, and had someone else to make sure he was okay. That's good, and I'm sure he wouldn't have shut the phone down if his girlfriend wasn't taking good care of him now. He knew I'd be there if he needed me, and he obviously doesn't now. I'm glad things worked out for him, that was all I really wanted for him in the first place, once I got past the anger and resentment. He wanted it so badly, that I'm glad he finally is happy. Perhaps now I'll sleep again, knowing that he's safe. That'll be good :)

Okay, goodnight internets. Sweet dreams.

A year ago today

Monday August 27, 2007. That was a year ago, today.

And things have changed, haven't they? Today is August 27, 2008. And a year has passed, and I'm sitting here, and in the background is once again playing Ice Cube's "Today was a good day" on my iTunes. But it's not the same now. I re-read that blog post from a year ago, and it hurt, and all I could do was shake my head, and think about all of what's happened since that day.

I wouldn't have thought that so many things would have happened in 12 months. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me then that this could have happened. I still don't quite believe it.

Twelve months ago, I was trying to stabilize from the seizures. Trying to pull it together from problems with Danny. Carl was getting ready to leave for Portland, and Phillip had just gotten back in touch, after a decade long silence.

I'd just barely started going out, to see Nathan's new band Approaching Darkness, and to meet his wife, and to begin living a life that I'd put on hold for longer than I care to think about.

Just barely started coming back out of the darkness that I'd been living in too long. Things were finally beginning to get better for me, and I was just starting to live.

And now, twelve months later? I'm living on my own. I'm still in touch with Sam and Nathan. But that's about all that is the same. Nathan still plays for Approaching Darkness. They're pretty hot on the local band scene, actually. And I still enjoy seeing them play. And Nathan's wife turned out to be absolutely awesome, and I'm very glad I met her, and got to know her.

Danny and I split up, after having been together for seven years, and he moved out, and moved on, in less than a month. I guess he's happy now, and they're doing well, talking about babies and marriage and whatnot. So sayeth the grapevine. It's none of my business, and honestly, no longer any of my concern. I wish him well, and I've moved on.

Phillip and I became friends again, after the ten years we were apart, and became lovers again as well, for a brief time. But there were too many things in the way, and things just couldn't work. I thought he was someone he just isn't, and I ended up hoping for things that couldn't be. And in the end, we couldn't even be friends anymore. I would have hoped to remain friends, but that isn't to be, and I've made my peace with it, and, like Danny, I wish him well. It's Fresno, and I'll do my best to stay clear of him, as that's his wish, but I can't do more than that for him. He knows where I tend to be, and he can avoid me if he wishes.

I've gone from being a complete hermit all the time a year ago, to being someone with a full social life now. I'm actively dating again, and have lost a substantial amount of the weight I've been carrying around for the last decade. So much so, that people no longer pretend that I'm not there. And that's been hard for me to adjust to, because I've started getting attention from men again, and I'm having to learn how to handle it. But I'm managing, and it's been...not too bad.

We'll see how I handle it, once I get into the full swing of things like rejection from the entire dating scenario, and the actual physical aspects of things. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that, but it's bound to be something I need to think about, so I am.

The other things I'm adjusting to are school and work, respectively. I worked full time from May until the beginning of August, and now that school has started, that's slacked off. But now I'm a full-time student, taking courses at the local college, and that's been another major change for me. It's a lot more work than I had really expected it to be, because school was never really challenging for me before. So this is difficult. I hadn't anticipated how different my life was going to be, now that I'm a student with a neurological disability. I actually do having a learning disability now, and that takes some getting used to for a person who always had it very easy.

Living alone has also been an adjustment, but that's been a really good one for me, I've enjoyed learning how to adapt to that. I eat what I want, when I want. I take care of my cat and myself, without having to answer to anyone. There's no worrying about whether there will be dishes in the kitchen, or if the washing machine will be in use. And I like that. I like knowing that whatever I left somewhere will still be there when I go to find it. It's very pleasant for me, because of my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I had always thought that might be the case, and finding out that was true was somewhat reassuring.

To a certain extent, I miss having someone to take care of. Someone to wake up with in the morning, and cook for at night. Just someone to hold sometimes. There are a few things that I really, truly do miss. But I'm doing very well, overall. From the way things were a year ago, I've done remarkably well, given all the changes, and how much I've had to overcome to get me to this point.

I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would just give up, and take all the pills I had in my arsenal, and not care anymore. Because there isn't anyone here to stop me, and I don't really have anyone to answer to anymore. I realize that people would be upset, and I know that I'm loved. But I also know that in the end, it wouldn't be my child or my parents who would find me. It would be someone random, like my manager.

I've been depressed over the last months. I've been upset, and lonely, and yes, even suicidal at times. But it's passing. And I'm getting stronger day by day. So from a year ago, to today? It's improving. And I'm getting to the point where I can feel better more days than not. It isn't sunshine and roses. But at least it isn't always dark.

A year ago everything was dark, with a bright spot. Then everything was dark, with no sun at all.

And now? It's mostly sun, with the occasional dark days, and I'm managing to work through them.

Life moves on. And I'm moving on with it.

I always think I know everything.

At least, I know I can come across that way, a lot of the time. And hey, the reason for that is that it turns out that way all too frequently.

That doesn't mean that I'm always right, and I know that. And it doesn't mean that when things go wrong, I don't hurt for my friends. And I'm just like anyone else in a crisis situation. I don't have the right words to make everything miraculously all right again. I can't fix everything. I can offer words that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I'll listen if you need me.

And I can sit quietly in my corner, and contemplate how badly all of this sucks. And it does. Because I can remember, unfortunately, all too vividly just how much it *still* sucks that my Daddy is gone. And I still worry, daily, that something will happen to Jack. Every single day. Because I just got him, and the idea that he might suddenly not be there? Is a fact that I simply completely and totally am unprepared to come face to face with the possible reality of. I refuse to acknowledge that it might happen at some point, and will not accept it. Fate is simply not cruel enough to do that to me this soon, and I refuse to allow that.

Because I have no choice in such an event, I simply won't adhere to such an idea, and work from that basis. And I try not to think about it. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to deal with the reality of Brody's current situation. Because I've been having to deal with all kinds of things in the last few weeks that have brought me face-to-face with the reality of mortality and all the surrounding issues of it, I'm not handling any of it well. I simply can't handle it, and so my solution has been to put my head in the sand, and pretend that it's not an option.

And while yes, in reality I realize that won't work as a long-term solution, too much has gone on recently for me to handle much more. But Brody's deal right now wasn't something I could do the ostrich routine for, so I pulled it together, and did what I could, and will continue to do.

But it made me stop and think about the fact that all my normal touchstones are gone. The people I call when *I* need someone to lean on, and cling to. The people who are *my* rocks when it hurts, and I need someone to hug, and know that whether I'm crying or not, they'll understand me, and just be there. And it hurt to realize that in one way or another, that's gone now. And I'm working my way through that now.

I honestly think that I took that harder than I have anything else in the last few months. Not the loss of the "boyfriends". Not the anger, and the lashing out. The realization that I had lost the friendships that meant so much to me, and that in a large way, they were my own fault. I hadn't intended for that to be the result, but it was. In both Phillip's and Danny's cases, they're both gone for the same reason. In order to preserve their own relationships, they can't have a friendship with me, and that made me sad. It hurt, more than anything else, to realize that I lost friendships I truly cherished, and it was in large part my own fault.

I was talking about it with Sissa today, and I know she didn't agree with me, but it was the truth, even though she didn't like it. Phillip didn't walk away from me to just be mean, and I know it. I *hate* admitting it, but at the base of it, he walked away because if he hadn't, he would have lost his chance at a relationship that he wanted more than anything. Yes, he got issued an ultimatum, and he made a choice I didn't like. But that was his choice to make, and not mine. And I had no right to cast stones at him for wanting to be happy, and I know it. Just because I was angry, I had no right to want to hurt him for being happy, simply because I was unhappy. And however much it sucked at the time? He had the right to want to be happy. And we would have stayed friends had *I* not insisted his girlfriend know what had gone on. That was my fault, and the consequences were ones I have to live with. Even my anger has finally worn off. And now all that's left is the loss of a friendship I ruined all by myself.

And I've done the same to my friendship with Danny. Thirteen years gone, because I simply can't keep handling watching him with his new love. The constant petty attacks from her are driving me up the wall, and I just can't keep dealing, and I've cut him out of my life. Because I don't know what else I could do. And while that's my choice, and it was a choice that I know he didn't want me to make, I simply don't know what else to do. I've tried to weigh it from all sides, and my instinct tells me things are not going to improve. I gave it time. I tried space. I tried playing by the new "rules". Nothing seemed to improve anything in any way. Every time I gave in, more was asked, until I simply had nothing left to give. I spent half my time crying, and the other half wanting to scream, or actually yelling at him, for things he had no control over. And that wasn't fair either.

And I care too much about him to want him to be unhappy anymore because of me. He doesn't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. He deserves to move on and be happy, without having to make a choice between the woman he was with for so long, and the woman he's with now. Nobody should have to be stuck in between two women, with an attachment to both. And Danny isn't very good at trying to appease both of us. And I don't want him to hurt anymore. So I walked away.

But Gods, it hurts. And now when I look around, and listen to the silence, and know that there's nothing and no one left to call, and absolutely nobody to cry on? It's frightening. And it's difficult. And I don't know what to think, or how to handle the idea. It's a very empty feeling, knowing that I ruined those friendships, and knowing that I'll never get them back. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do, and I've learned that. They might scar over, but they never completely heal.

Actions have consequences, and all lessons get learned at some point. And while I learned mine, even having learned them doesn't mean that I can get back what I lost.

I wish them well. I hope they'll be happy now. I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and the damage I did. But it doesn't change anything now, and I know that too. Because I've learned that I don't know everything, and I can't always fix everything. Sorry doesn't fix some things. Some injuries are permanent, and some damage is too great to be repaired. And some things you just have to live with.

ah, iTunes, your irony strikes me

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know


Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.

Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.

I guess I must be healing. Finally.

And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.

A day in the life of:

There's nothing really interesting going on. I spend my days doing the same things, over and over again. And it's beginning to wear on me. Not necessarily in a bad way? But it's the same thing. I go to FCC tomorrow, to talk to financial aid again, because I get to jump through a couple more hoops. I'm so god-awful tired of jumping through paperwork hoops. And I talked to S.S., who tells me that financial aid should work out just fine. I'm just frustrated. I want everything to get going, and roll smoothly, so that things can just even out already!

I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.

I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.

I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.

And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.

So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.

For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.

I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.

But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.

Goodnight internets.

Jezebel...

Wow. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That was where it all started, wasn't it? Jez died. And it crushed me, finding out that she was gone, because I had loved Cassie, and she was just suddenly gone, and it was a life lost, that shouldn't have been, and you came to comfort me, when I needed you. You seemed to understand that I was going to need somebody there with me, without my needing to put all the words into a coherent form that night.

And that was where it started, and I just realized it. I don't agree with the Christian philosophy that there's a point to everyone's death, and that we should all be learning some type of lesson from it. I don't agree with the things that are read out at the funerals, and I've never really understood what I'm supposed to be getting comfort from when someone is gone.

Yes, when someone has lived a long, full life? And it's their time to go? Then, that I understood. When my father died, and he was young? I never understood that. His sudden, unexplained, unexpected death was unfair, and unwarranted, and it wasn't acceptable. There was no *reason* for it.

And I never accepted or wanted to hear that it was "his time" or wanted to hear that there was some "greater plan" or that there was some grand lesson to be learned.

I thought it was all bullshit, and that whatever there was to be found in that great afterlife all the Christians are always talking about, I just can't wrap my head around that. The people who believe and have that concrete faith, and can embrace that? I'm sure that's wonderful for them. But I still don't agree. I don't think that someone who is a basically decent person should have to suffer in great pain, and be miserable, to prove some kind of point, and they'll get some sort of great reward in the afterlife.

I think that if you're a good person now, you shouldn't have to suffer, and be sick and miserable, and die early. I don't think your life should be a "lesson" to everybody else. I don't think a good and just God should be subjecting people to that.

And I don't understand why Christians believe that, or embrace it. I just don't get it. I don't understand it.

And now? Now that we're still standing here, not communicating, when you're hurting, and I can't help. Now that you've suffered a loss, and it brings back a time when it was a similar loss, and you stood next to me, to hold me and make it easier on me, because I didn't understand, and you couldn't do anything but be there to make it easier? It makes me sad to know I can't do anything to help in kind.

Everything and all the of it aside, all the pain, all the harsh words, all the anger. If you look back, and you need anything, I'm still there. As I've always been, as I'll always be. Because it's what a friend does. And it's what I've always been.

Dear Phillip

I'm so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry, and no amount of words will express that. My deepest sympathy to your mother, and I feel the loss, because I can't imagine how much pain she must be in, and if there was anything I could do to lessen it, I would.

For all of the bullshit of the last couple of months, and all of the anger that I've been spewing, and all the vitriol, it just all melted away. In the face of the pain your mother must be feeling right now, and that scale of loss? Mine faded, and all I could do was sit, and be humbled.

And I hope that you'll be there for her, and that you'll have enough strength to hold everything together, and that you'll remember that at the end of the day, you're loved and cared for, and that I know that you'll be what you've always been for her, a tower of strength when she needs you.

And that's wonderful. Be well, Phillip, and take good care of her, in this time, when she needs you most.

Love, Crystal

Where'd you go? Feels like it's been forever

Yeah, more morose blogging. Skip to the bottom if you don't want to see me being morose.

And no, I'm not sitting around clutching my phone, desperately wanting to call the rat bastard. I'm not that far gone. But I still miss him. Can't help that. He's an ass, it's not like I've gone nuts or anything. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts, and he's gone, and *that* hurts. And there are days that I wish I could forget what he did, and things could be the way they were, and I could *not* hurt, ya know?

And no, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to cry on anyone's shoulder, and I don't want to be comforted. I simply want to not have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want it to go away, so that things go back to normal, and I've come to the conclusion that there may never be "normal" anymore for me.

In November, when Trinette goes with Steven, might actually be the beginning of "normal" for me, where I actually start to put together something that will be "normal". I don't know what that will be. But it will be something. I'll figure it out. But it'll be something.

In the meantime, I have to go to the fucking post office in the morning, and figure out what happened to my mail. Apparently, I think I've figured out part of the culprit. Mona checked the box for "family" to forward her and Cora and it caused everyone at this address to bounce. And since Trinette was a new tenant, hers got straightened out and hers is now being delivered, but mine's just being rejected and returned to sender, as it has nowhere to forward *to*. Danny and Mona's is going to them, and mine is just going nowhere. Unfortunately, it means SS and the stuff from the doctor and everything else like my bills are all being bounced back. It's a royal pain in the ass. And I need to go get it straightened pronto, because I already notified SS that I'm working, and if they get a bounce back that I don't live here, god only knows what will happen. Like they'll stop giving me my paychecks possibly? It could be *very* bad. So I will go and untangle that tomorrow. And I hope it's a very simple untangle.

I talked to work today, I hit what I needed to hit to get paid, albeit it not being a very big check because it's a pro-rate. But I *did* hit it. So all is well there. I had a manager pull the numbers, so I know I hit what needed to be hit before the end of month tally. Next month will be better, but it was the first month of testing that I was worried about. Next month will be a full run, and I'll be shooting for much higher numbers, and I will have a better idea of when I need to be tied to the keyboard, and how and what I'm doing than I did now, but I needed to hit that pro-rated amount to get paid at all, and to maintain the job. And I did. I'm very happy and pleased with that.

I'm doing alright, I suppose. I'm working, I'm doing all the things I need to be doing. I'm pretty tired lately, because my sleep schedule is all messed up. And while I'm getting *enough* sleep, my body just doesn't know what to think of what I'm up to. And I'm not used to working at all, so perhaps that's why I'm so tired. The stress of knowing I *have* to work. Perhaps that's it? I don't know.

And I know that starting next Saturday, I will be sitting in front of my machine four hours a day, minimum, because I want to pulling down 450 messages a day, every day, to be hitting what I want to be hitting. Whether I like it or not, that's what I need to do. And it isn't an option anymore. I need to be treating it like the full-time job it is, and until I hit those 450 messages, I can't be going out and hanging out, and fucking around. It was okay this month, because I didn't have to hit the higher number that I'm going to need to be hitting next month. But next month I *have* to hit that number. And so it's sitting in front of the computer until I hit that goal. It isn't like transcription, where I had little tapes, and I worked until the work was done, and then I was finished. I have to be logged in until I hit that goal. And then I'm free to play. But I have to stop screwing off. (mental discussion with myself here, nobody else needs to harass me)

In other news, massive thanks to Brandon for fixing my cell phone charger and saving my ass. Esbat freaking ate it. I would've had to go buy a new one, but Brandon repaired it, and saved me money I didn't have to spend, which I am massively grateful to him for. And I'm grateful in advance to him for the moving of my little mini-fridge that he'll be helping me to move tomorrow. Thank you Brandon! I appreciate it more than I can say. Yay for the Ramsey family!

I wonder how it feels?

I wonder that, often, how it feels to be someone else. Someone who is willing to compromise things that I'm not willing to. I'm a very peculiar person a lot of the time. I have an odd moral outlook, and I know it. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't steal. I wouldn't compromise my own morals, not for anything. But my own morals are just that, they're mine. And what makes them up isn't written in anyone else's conduct book, that's for certain.

So I look around, and I wonder how it feels, to be able to constantly shift patterns and be able to just switch gears anytime it suits their purposes. Because I just can't do that. I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I'm going to do it. And I follow through.

Phillip and his constantly fluctuating morality, and his willingness to fuck over whoever he needs to to suit his own personal purposes at any given time both confuses me and frustrated me, because I just couldn't do it. And in the end, it's why I couldn't handle his lying to Colleen. He was so comfortable with it, and I'm so uncomfortable with all the lies in general. I was his dirty little secret, and he was so ashamed of me, and it bothered me. Not so much because of what we were doing. I didn't and don't care that he was involved with somebody else. I wasn't cheating, because I don't cheat, so that didn't affect me at all. What bothered me was that he only felt guilty when I said "no" about something. Everything was fine, unless I brought up the reality of our situation. *Then* and only then, did he have a moral dilemma. And suddenly, he just couldn't continue anymore. He felt oh-so-guilty *then*. Because I was suddenly pointing out that there was no birth control involved, and he still wanted sex. Was still comfortable with what we were doing, even though it might be resulting in a child each and every time. He would have been alright with an accidental pregnancy, every time. As long as he didn't have to admit to himself, or anyone else, that in reality, we were trying to get me pregnant. And that was and is the reality of that situation. From the point where he knew there was no active birth control in my system, he knew precisely what was going on.

Selective morality. I just don't understand it. And now, I'm frustrated with myself. I was actually ranting at someone, but more at myself, earlier today. Because I'm so disgusted with myself. Knowing exactly who and what he is? I love him anyway. Flaws and all. I can't help how I feel, and I said that. I was a lot more eloquent earlier, actually. I delineated all of the reasons that I'm better off with him gone, why even if there's a child, I'm better off with him staying away, because do I really want the child raised with those values being taught to it? Even knowing all of those things...I can't help what I think or how I feel. Because unlike Phillip, or Colleen, I can say that I love him, and that I *know* him. His faults, and they're legion. Not that I don't have my own, because I do. But I know his, and still. (shrug)

She's in over her head. And she's too far away to realize that. I'm not particularly doing anything. It wouldn't matter anyhow. And he's living his little pathetic dreary existence, where he takes the crumbs she offers to him, and lives in his room, with his computer and his WoW, and hopes for the best, where she might someday show up. And then reality, if she ever appears, will set in. The mediocre sex, where she can't keep up with his sex drive will finally become reality. The inflexibility where she can't bend up like a pretzel, which he really, really enjoys. The fact that he wants it several times a day, for hours at a time. The fact that he doesn't like cheesy television, and doesn't like romantic comedies and doesn't like fiction silly reading. And he's very serious, almost all the time in conversation in real life. The actual *reality* that's Phillip will set in. In all honesty, the actual oral sex, which by this point, as much of a bitch as I am, he has to be missing, because nobody will *ever* give him that the way I could. There's a lot to be said for getting something from someone who you know loved you, and wanted to give you something purely because they loved you and wanted to make you feel good. And he knows it. Some things just can't be reproduced, no matter how hard somebody tries.

And yes, I miss him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Am I angry? Fuck yes, I'm angry. Do I hate him? I honestly don't know. I'm so disgusted and livid at how I was treated I still don't know much beyond that. But I still miss him, because you can't really control how your heart feels, and my heart has felt what it feels for Phillip for more than ten years, even when I couldn't remember him. Unfortunately, now I *can* remember him. So it hurts. Do I wake up in the morning, and reach for the phone? No, not anymore. At least that's getting easier. I don't expect the phone to ring anymore. I don't even know what I'd say if it did.

I'll never understand how it feels to be able to just walk away from someone and pretend that they don't matter. I'm not built that way. I can cut someone from my life, but I can't pretend they don't matter. I can cut them out if they've done me a grievous wrong, but not if they didn't harm me.

Mmm..my job. And the fact that Phil is an asshat.

And yes, that's the title, but only because I was on the phone, and that was what I said to the person I was talking to. And it amused me.

So I started my new job, and I'm actually pretty good at it. Not as great as some of the people who've been doing it for years. But decent. And being good at your job, always a plus. Also, not hating your job, for the win.

And Phil, well, he *is* an asshat. There's just no getting around that. But he's an asshat who probably did me a good turn by proving to me that he couldn't be trusted, and that every word he said to me was a lie. At least I'll always know now that anything he ever says is going to be bullshit. Good to know at least.

I had always said that he'd leave...and he did. I said that he'd abandon me, when someone demanded he drop me, and he finally proved me right, just as I predicted. I wonder how many more of my predictions will pan out over the next few months?

Meh, not that it really matters much anymore. My life is moving on, and with it, things are kind of calming down.

Well, as calm as they *can* be at any rate. Some things are still up in the air, and true to form, I'll post that as it comes up, but in the meantime, I'm treating the symptoms, if not the underlying problems.

Love to all, and know that for right now I'm doing more or less fine. I'll have a new word of the week up tomorrow.

C

The Phillip saga

Hmm. I'm not quite sure how I want to say what it is that I want to say, so this may be a very peculiar post indeed.

Phillip's cut me out of his life, in the most cowardly and crass way possible. He sent me a two-line email, from a bogus email account. Not even a phone call. I know that a lot of people read this blog, and I'm writing this, knowing full well that a lot of local people who have or had respect for Phil will be reading this, and think that he'd never do something as pathetic as some of the things he's done recently.

I'm not the only person he cut off without a word. There's an entire list.

See, Phillip cheated on his "girlfriend". The one who lives 2000 miles away. As everyone who reads here knows, there was/is a pregnancy scare, and he fell back into bed with me. He cheated. It was wrong. It's happened before. I don't even particularly blame her for wanting him to stop seeing me.

On the other hand...I do blame him for walking away. He's sworn to me, and everyone else, for months, that I was much too valuable to him as a friend for him to cut me out of his life, no matter what. He's stated multiple times that he would *never* be dictated to by anyone, for any reason, about who he could and could not spend his time with. That he would under no circumstances take that kind of ultimatum.

And like a fool, I believed his lies. And lie he did. I didn't even get a courtesy phone call. His accounts are deleted, his phone goes unanswered. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.

And her ultimatum about me? It made sense. He can't be trusted with me. Because he will indeed fall right back into my arms. Fine. But the others? I talked with her. And she seemed like a nice girl. And then I kept thinking. It keeps going around and around in my head. She had a whole list of others he had to cut out as well.

He had to cut out Mona. And with Mona goes Cora. Cora is a child, who was very attached to Phillip. And Colleen doesn't care that Cora's being punished. And obviously, Phillip cares not at all either.

He cut out Melissa. And with her went David, Emily and Lauren. Children. Children who were again, very fond of Phillip. Colleen once again cared not at all that the children involved would be hurt by his absence. And Phil obviously cared not at all either. As long as he could keep talking to his girlfriend on the phone a few hours a day.

He isn't allowed to see or speak to Trinette, and with her went Sammie, who can't even understand his absence, as we have absolutely no way to explain it to her. Colleen doesn't care about that. She's on the list of unacceptable.

The others on the list? Annwynn/'Chelle. Mike McGee. Danny. Essentially? Absolutely anyone who is a friend of mine. If it's someone who knows and likes or trusts me? He isn't allowed to associate with them, because that would put him at risk for coming into contact with me, and she doesn't trust him in any way to come into even third-person contact with me.

What kind of person does that? Deems all of the people in and around someone's life, people who have cared and helped and proven loyalty to someone as "unacceptable"? Who gets to make that kind of judgment call from 2000 miles away? And who the fuck concedes to that sort of ultimatum? You drop everyone who has befriended you, and helped you, and loved and cared for you, so that you can maintain some kind of quasi-relationship with someone who is 2000 miles away, with no actual estimate of a real relationship arriving at anytime in the actual practical future?

I understand that they care about each other. But last time I checked, if you really, really care about someone? You don't ask them to sit and be alone, waiting for you. You don't ask to give them the crumbs you have available for them.

And as for him? He lied, to me, and to everyone else closest to him here. He lied to her. He is so comfortable with lying and sneaking around, that it's only a matter of time, with all the restrictions that have been placed on him before he simply starts lying again. It's foolish to think that he won't.

I'm not sure what to think about any of it. If she's really as nice as she seems, then why would she keep trying to keep him on a leash from Indiana? She has to know that it isn't going to work. Not with them long-distance. It's not realistic. And there are too many things she can't afford to lose right now to come out here. She might never be able to set them aside and come out here. That's reality. I have enough crappy health problems to know that. California is *not* a friendly state when it comes to trying to land a job with full-time benefits. It's just a fact of life. And giving them up where you are would just be stupid if you've got health problems. It's the story of my life when it comes to working.

And as for Phil? Phil does what Phil wants, and if he can't make it all fit together? He lies and sneaks, and only admits to what he's done when he's crushed into a corner. I won't say I hate him. I will say that I'm thoroughly disgusted with him. I'll also say that I'll never trust him again. I won't ever be able to believe anything he says again. The blinders on *my* eyes are off completely. And that hurts, unbelievably.

But the fact that it hurts, makes it possible to get up in the morning, and look around, and not cry. To not look at my phone, and wish it would ring. Because I don't want to call him. I don't have much to say. Everything I had left to say is mean, or hurtful, or just plain nasty.

If I *do* end up pregnant? About all I have left to say to him is "please sign this that says you have no claim to this child", because I don't want him involved, and I don't want him trying to take my child from me. I wouldn't deny him coming and visiting the child as it grew up, but I don't want to have to hassle with child support, or him being involved in day to day decisions. We're all better off if there's no sprog. Because something tells me that would be a bloody battle indeed. I don't trust him, and he would hate me.

Lovely.

Wow, that was quite the long ramble. So that's what's been going on in "The Phillip saga". He walked away, without a backward glance, and was too much of a coward to even pick up the phone...and he did it because Colleen told him to. And I can't quite figure out how a "nice girl" got to the conclusion that having him abandon all of his friends, and a bunch of children he was fond of who were attached to him was a nice thing to do, without any explanations, or any consideration. Or how at the end of the day, the two of them are going to make that relationship work, with her issuing orders from 2000 miles away, and him saying "yes ma'am". I hadn't realized that Phillip was as spineless and pathetic as that, or as willing to ditch the people who were good to him.

If you can't trust him, in any way, to come into any contact with anyone who is a friend of mine? There's not really a way for you to monitor what he's doing from Indiana. How are you going to keep tabs on that? Pat and Tawnya going to report back to her? Going to have her friends follow him around and send reports that he isn't leaving the house? He going to send copies of his cell phone records, proving he isn't still talking to me, or anyone else on the "do not talk" list? There isn't really a way to prove he isn't doing what he said he'd do. And honestly, because he lies so easily...unless she's here...how the hell would she even know in the first place?

If one of my friends hadn't told her...he'd still be here. Hanging out here. Cheating again, eventually. Lying daily. And he had no intention of telling her...ever.

Goodnight.

updates from a PC instead of a Mac

And wow, for me this feels incredibly strange. I haven't blogged from a PC with a regular keyboard in...I honestly don't even remember when. I better get good at it rather quickly though, since my job will depend on my being able to type quickly and competently with this keyboard. Practice makes perfect though, correct? And so practice I shall. As I sit at my desk, egads, a desk, using a PC. Feels oh so strange.

The last couple of weeks have been strange in general for me. And it isn't just the computer. Although I have to say, I do rather like having a desk. And a printer. And a chair. Anyhow.

Trinette is moved in, and the normal amount of chaos that comes with a new roommate has commenced. And so there have been boxes and all that moving around. The living room actually looks really good, and she did a phenomenal job putting the new entertainment center together. I was astounded at how fast she assembled that. Hell on wheels at the organizing of things, that one. Stewie will most likely hook up the surround sound, since he's who usually does it. And Phil moved all the other components and hooked those up, because Trin and I are both hopeless for that stuff.

Phil's been here and sick for a couple of weeks. I really did give him the Plague. I feel rotten about it. As it turns out, I'm hoping that what he has is some sort of ear infection. Melissa, once I described how he keeps waking up disoriented and dizzy, but it smooths out some in the afternoon, said it sounds like an inner ear infection, after having gotten my head cold a couple weeks ago. So he's on antibiotics now. He finally headed home this afternoon. I guess a guy can only take a couple of weeks of being fussed over. I wouldn't be so worried if he'd been eating, but he didn't eat for about a week, and for Phillip, not eating is the equivalent of being dead. So I was massively worried. But he finally started eating yesterday, so with the antibiotics, perhaps he's getting better now. I hope so, anyhow. Trinette tried feeding him Miso soup, but he didn't like it much. He seemed very fond of teriyaki chicken and broccoli though :)

I don't know. Everything this last week has been strange. I met, or should I say, re-met Ryan Rooks. He remembers me, but I can't remember him. I really like him though. Quite enjoy his company. He is an old friend of Trinette's from high school, or possibly before then, I don't recall. He is truly brilliant, and yet, also very down to earth and pleasant to be around and just sit and BS about anything with. I truly enjoy his presence at the apartment. And Stew's been coming around now that Trin's here. I hope to see who else pops up now that she's here. Kat's been here quite a bit, just hanging out with us.

I know things will fall into some semblance of a routine, because even I will have to start having one, but for right now just spending time with my friend who I had missed so very much for the last eight years is wonderful. So much so, in fact, that I'm going to stop blogging now, and grab a movie and go put it on in the living room and spend some more time with her, instead of with my computer. Although by now she's also had time to email Steven, and check her emails and that sort of thing. So it works out just as well in the end.

Oh, yes, one more note. I *should* be able to start my job within the next two weeks at the very outside, which should result in a paycheck within a month after that. YAY! And after that, things should finally smooth out the rest of the way for me.

I know a lot of people have been worried about me lately, but I'm doing alright now. More so now that Trinette is here, and things are a little more balanced. Melissa is still calling and checking up on me, although her plate is definitely full enough for any three normal people all the time. She's watching *two* extra 18 month old's full time, along with her own three kids, and juggling all her other normal projects, but that's her normal. And still has time to call and make sure my life isn't going too far insane. I loves Melissa :)

So yes, there's my "from the PC" update for the day. Hehehehehe.

I make the byebyes now.

...time on my own...

I don't know how to express what I'm thinking, not really. I'm twisted and confused. And I hate it. And I feel like a hypocrite for this sick addiction to you. And that's what it is, too. An addiction to you. I miss you so much. There is this huge empty hole inside of me where you were. Not the twisted "oh god I'm in love with him I need him to complete me or my life will end". It has nothing to do with that. It's the quiet late-at-night, falling asleep as I drifted off something that I can't quite define. *That* is what I miss.

And I can't even explain it. Not even to myself can I explain it. But that great gaping hole is what it is that I'm missing so much, and what hurts so badly, and what it is that's been tearing me up since I sent you away.

And being alone, sending you away? Trying to protect myself from you walking away from me? It hasn't helped, not really. It hurts just as much to have sent you away as it would have if you'd been the one who had walked away. Doesn't that suck.

Meh. Time on my own hasn't shown me anything except that sometimes I'm not the brightest star in the sky.

It isn't as though I was saving myself for marriage because I'd made some stupid pledge. It isn't like I had an obligation to anyone or that I'm violating any special moral code but my own. But I'm addicted and I feel confused, but I don't generally *have* addictions to things. I've always been so proud of that. Because I never had a problem quitting things. I quit smoking without a backwards glance. Even when I used drugs in my misspent youth, I got bored, and walked away, it had no effect on me. But you? I'm addicted to you in a massive way. And that both frightens me, and makes me sad and confused, because it's unfamiliar and depressing.

OK. I'm going to stop writing this now, and go play silly online games to distract myself.

Goodnight internets.