Do you know, at the base of it, why I wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of us having children together? Because while we were together, living "as a family", the three of us, with Monkey? When she wanted to call you Dad, you weren't okay with it. It unnerved you. You were always Danny. You didn't want to be her dad, and that was alright, I suppose. Because, honestly? If that was how you felt, that was your right. Because she was always mine, and never yours. You never wanted her to be yours. You were perfectly willing to make one with me, and that one would be yours. But my daughter? That wasn't something you wanted.
But my subconscious couldn't accept the idea of making a full-fledged go of things, building a family with someone, who didn't want my daughter. Oh, you'd've taken her. But she wasn't what you wanted. You wanted one that was *yours*. That wasn't fair, not to me, not to my daughter. Sure, you wanted a family...with a flesh-and-blood version of a miniature you. But not something that wasn't blood-tied to you. What was mine, that wasn't good enough. And something inside of me rebelled at that thought, whether I actively embraced it or not. I just never quite caught up.
Then again, I always did do what was best for my child, whether it was best for me or not. Something that your precious princess never seems to give a damn about. It breaks my heart, knowing that Monkey lost you, because I had to explain it all to her. She didn't visit at all while princess was living here. And yet, within two weeks of her moving out? She came down to visit. Because I wasn't willing to have my child exposed to the crotch-grabbing, "love-fest" that your precious princess flat out refused to put on hold, so my daughter could visit, as I recall. No, I was informed that my eleven-year-old daughter would need to "face the reality of the situation", and grow up, and deal with the fact that we'd broken up, and your princess owned you now, and damned to anything that would stand in her way of having you in her bed for a few days, so my daughter could see me.
No, I elected to not let my child be exposed to that sort of thing at her age. That just didn't seem appropriate. It was bad enough that *I* was having to watch her shove her tongue down your throat, and grabbing your crotch at every opportunity. I sure as shit didn't want Monkey getting an eyeful of that. And even that didn't faze you. The sheer gall of it all. The fact that Monkey asked to see you, and you didn't come, had no time for her. You wrote her off, without a backwards glance, after seven years. Because she wasn't anything to you. She was, after all, mine. Not yours. Nothing could have hammered that home more than that complete disregard for her feelings.
But I never allowed that many people to drift in and out of her life. I didn't let multiple people become attachments in her life. Not like poor Cora. I can't imagine the kind of life she has to have. She's lost so many people, and her mom just doesn't seem to give a shit, as she moves from one to the next, to the next. And none of her mother's so-called friends ever bothers to say or do anything to try and make an impact on what it's doing to the child in the entire fucking situation.
I can still vividly remember Cora asking me about her sisters...and me having to try and figure out who/what/when/how she was talking about. Because I didn't realize that Ronnie had other children. And then figuring out that she no longer has any contact with them, because that was part of the series of discards in her mother's life, just another thing that doesn't matter in grand scheme of what Mona wants. Cora was attached to them, but Mona wasn't anymore, and that didn't matter. Cora loves someone, and is attached, but if it doesn't suit princess' mood swings, or whatever it is she happens to be up to in whatever given year, then Cora gets screwed. Ronnie, and his girls. Stewie. Me. Doug. As she moves on through her happy-go-lucky life, not giving a shit about how it might affect her daughter, to have the people she's attached to be cut off and cut out, just because Moomy gets a stick up her ass about any given thing.
On a similarly-veined topic, but not entirely the same. Having gotten a fair read through the blogs Mona's posted recently, I have to say this: Deja vu. Last year, she blogged quite a bit, just before the dumping of Doug. I know, as I was the one reading those, about how he made her so happy, and she was so grateful that she could finally feel like herself with, and it was so wonderful to have found someone who she could settle down with, someone who loved her unconditionally and who she and Cora could be a family with, blah blah fucking blah. Now, off to the side there, from those blogs, she was bitching vociferously to myself and Danny about how Doug wasn't the best thing ever, and how he was cheap, and was kind of mean, and how things were unfair. This was at about the same time that his parents insisted she move out of their house, and she had to move in with Kat, and then in with me and Danny. But to the best of my knowledge, the only people she ever outright expressed displeasure with Doug to, were myself and Danny. The blogs, Doug himself, everything was sunshine and fucking roses, right up to the day she dumped him.
She called him her love, she told him everything was great. She went "home" to their house, continued screwing him, ate meals, went on dates. Everything was copacetic right up until the night she broke up with him. And even then, she still cried and said she loved him. Blah blah, cry me a river. Doesn't matter that she was playing tonsil hockey with Danny in the kitchen on the night of Danny's birthday, while still with Doug. That doesn't count, because, hey, wasn't sex, right? Oh, no. That doesn't matter. And the crassness of doing such a thing in front of me, three days after our breakup, that doesn't count either.
But she wrote blogs about how happy they were, and when they went to the fair, she had an absolute shit-fit, because Doug didn't buy her a three dollar little green necklace. Never mind that she could have purchased it for herself. She was livid that he didn't buy it for her. Ranted about how he ruined her entire Big Fresno Fair experience. And on, and on. All because he didn't buy her a little trinket. What Doug got out of the Fair? He thought they were there to spend time together, and enjoy each other's company. Mona thought they were there so he could buy her stuff, apparently. At least, that was what she ranted to Danny and me about later that night.
So I find it somewhat amusing that having read the year-ago blogs, and am reading the current blogs, since they're virtually identical. Hell, if you change out the names, she could have just lifted one from the other, and called it good. Makes me wonder if there's another set of people that she's bitching to now, about how miserable things are at home, and if there's someone new on the string, to take Danny's place, now that he's not swimming in cash, the way he was when they first got together. And I've heard all the excuses about how she pays her own way.
But I also have been with Danny, and he doesn't realize just how much he spends, without noticing. And the money he's used to having is gone now, because his bills are simply too high for it to be any other way. And princess doesn't like paying for anything herself. That isn't the way it works in her world. The man pays her way, and when he doesn't anymore, as Doug explained a couple months after the breakup when he put the pieces in place, when the money runs out, she moves on to the next man who will pay to keep her in the style she likes to be kept.
Doug got blindsided. When he took away the free-wheeling cash-fest? Danny must've looked damn good. She even called him by all the same pet names, it made my stomach turn. So yeah, deja vu from where I'm sitting, because, well, I'm not the one buried hip-deep. Doug and I talked about it quite a bit, and he felt relieved to be rid of her, and kind of sad that Danny was going to get screwed. I was sort of hoping that Danny was smarter than that, but apparently not.
Danny's Myspace went private today, which tells me there's probably an engagement of some sort in the works, otherwise, why bother shutting it down. He never updates shit on his. I had to tell him to change his quiz thing to remove me as his girlfriend eight months after our breakup, which was kind of amusing to me. So the only thing I could come up with for going private, was to hide the evidence of something like an engagement, which wouldn't exactly be able to be hidden, as I can still see it either way. But, meh.
Showing posts with label danny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label danny. Show all posts
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
On the good ship, lollipop...
I've still got a fair amount of stuff I need to get done for school, and I'll get to it, but my solution for my current problems? Is to simply go and burn off my frustration with sex. A lot of it, since there's no good reason not to.
The simple truth is that the men that I care about and love, they don't give a shit about me, not if they stop and really think honestly to themselves. Or if they actually do care about me, in any fashion? They have done one stellar job of proving that they can treat me like absolute garbage, with no concern in the slightest for my well-being, or concern for my feelings.
In one corner, we have my supposed best friend Danny, who managed to say without so much as considering the implications of it, that of course if things go south, he'd be able to move back in with me. Sure he would! Notwithstanding the fact that for the entire last year, I've had to rebuild my life without him, because he moved on without a backward glance in my direction, and I was just supposed to be fine with that, while he fucked her silly in front of me. But of course, if everything falls apart with her, sure he'd be able to move right back in, because hey, why wouldn't he be able to? What the fuck? Does he seriously not see how crass that was, on the heels of "okay" in the termination of communication, and a friendship, the automatic assumption that of course he'd be able to and welcome to move back in? What am I? However much I might care, does that give you leave to treat me as disposable while you ignore me 90% of the time, and ban me from your house, and basically ditch our friendship, and expect to be welcome to live here if she dumps you? And you expect to *not* be hated? Seriously? And me to not be offended, and you expect hugs, and everything to be bunnies and fucking sunshine?
And in the other corner, we have Phillip, who swore up and down, knowing how insecure I was, that if Colleen gave him an ultimatum, he was not going to walk away from a friendship that he valued, because of a woman. He wasn't that spineless, and he would never abandon a friend he trusted and depended on. He wouldn't allow an ultimatum of that sort, ever. We'd discussed it at length, and I laughed at him, and told him that he'd never choose a friend over a girlfriend, and he assured me repeatedly, that he'd never do that, abandon a friend. I was being silly, and I should stop worrying.
Cue the shitty two-line email, and never hearing from him again, when the ultimatum came down, and the fact that she did exactly what I'd predicted, and he never did bother to contact me again. And I wasn't at fault in that entire mess, and I never did hurt him. We were friends. We were lovers. And he walked away from that friendship without a backwards glance, without any apology, because he had to have her. And he never returned. So much for the value of friendship, or loyalty, or anything else.
So now, I'm not really inclined to go looking to have a "boyfriend", or looking for a commitment. Looking to get laid? Sure, sex is fun, and I like to fuck and get off just as much as anybody else. But trusting someone to not screw me over? Not a chance. Because the people I trusted, have completely fucked me over. I don't have any belief at all that someone is going to look at me, and see something kind and tender, and not completely rip it away.
Oh, I value myself just fine these days, make no mistake about that. I actually do have quite a lot of self-esteem, and I know what I want. But what I want isn't to allow anyone else to get close now, and to give them the opportunity to rip me to shreds again, and leave. I tried that, doesn't work for me.
I don't need you anymore. You've both done an outstanding job of proving to me just how little I was valued by either of you, ever. You've done a beautiful job of teaching me how to stand on my own, and how to take what I want, without feeling any need to give anything back now. Thanks for that. I guess I needed a wake up call. Maybe I should have learned sooner how to be a little more selfish.
Perhaps I should learn how to pretend to be a self-centered pampered little princess too, and then maybe *all* the boys will try to fall in love with me, and I can grind them under my heels like the women you two morons seem to want to chase after, and I can sit and laugh at you just like they do.
The simple truth is that the men that I care about and love, they don't give a shit about me, not if they stop and really think honestly to themselves. Or if they actually do care about me, in any fashion? They have done one stellar job of proving that they can treat me like absolute garbage, with no concern in the slightest for my well-being, or concern for my feelings.
In one corner, we have my supposed best friend Danny, who managed to say without so much as considering the implications of it, that of course if things go south, he'd be able to move back in with me. Sure he would! Notwithstanding the fact that for the entire last year, I've had to rebuild my life without him, because he moved on without a backward glance in my direction, and I was just supposed to be fine with that, while he fucked her silly in front of me. But of course, if everything falls apart with her, sure he'd be able to move right back in, because hey, why wouldn't he be able to? What the fuck? Does he seriously not see how crass that was, on the heels of "okay" in the termination of communication, and a friendship, the automatic assumption that of course he'd be able to and welcome to move back in? What am I? However much I might care, does that give you leave to treat me as disposable while you ignore me 90% of the time, and ban me from your house, and basically ditch our friendship, and expect to be welcome to live here if she dumps you? And you expect to *not* be hated? Seriously? And me to not be offended, and you expect hugs, and everything to be bunnies and fucking sunshine?
And in the other corner, we have Phillip, who swore up and down, knowing how insecure I was, that if Colleen gave him an ultimatum, he was not going to walk away from a friendship that he valued, because of a woman. He wasn't that spineless, and he would never abandon a friend he trusted and depended on. He wouldn't allow an ultimatum of that sort, ever. We'd discussed it at length, and I laughed at him, and told him that he'd never choose a friend over a girlfriend, and he assured me repeatedly, that he'd never do that, abandon a friend. I was being silly, and I should stop worrying.
Cue the shitty two-line email, and never hearing from him again, when the ultimatum came down, and the fact that she did exactly what I'd predicted, and he never did bother to contact me again. And I wasn't at fault in that entire mess, and I never did hurt him. We were friends. We were lovers. And he walked away from that friendship without a backwards glance, without any apology, because he had to have her. And he never returned. So much for the value of friendship, or loyalty, or anything else.
So now, I'm not really inclined to go looking to have a "boyfriend", or looking for a commitment. Looking to get laid? Sure, sex is fun, and I like to fuck and get off just as much as anybody else. But trusting someone to not screw me over? Not a chance. Because the people I trusted, have completely fucked me over. I don't have any belief at all that someone is going to look at me, and see something kind and tender, and not completely rip it away.
Oh, I value myself just fine these days, make no mistake about that. I actually do have quite a lot of self-esteem, and I know what I want. But what I want isn't to allow anyone else to get close now, and to give them the opportunity to rip me to shreds again, and leave. I tried that, doesn't work for me.
I don't need you anymore. You've both done an outstanding job of proving to me just how little I was valued by either of you, ever. You've done a beautiful job of teaching me how to stand on my own, and how to take what I want, without feeling any need to give anything back now. Thanks for that. I guess I needed a wake up call. Maybe I should have learned sooner how to be a little more selfish.
Perhaps I should learn how to pretend to be a self-centered pampered little princess too, and then maybe *all* the boys will try to fall in love with me, and I can grind them under my heels like the women you two morons seem to want to chase after, and I can sit and laugh at you just like they do.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Choice, Direction, Nature - Mine
That's it, isn't it. Finally. I'm free. I hadn't realized. I'm free to come and go as I please, and I do. It's my choice, and while Fate might circumvent me in the end, and I might not end up precisely the way I plan, for right now, it's my choice, as it never was before. I can choose my own direction, even if it's the wrong one.
And yes, I love him. I've always loved him. I always will. I won't lie about it, even to myself. There's no point. Even if I'm wrong, even if I make a mistake, I won't lie about it. I love him more than anything. But I won't belong to him.
I won't be anyone's convenience, not ever again. Any belonging, if it ever happens, will be on both sides, or not at all. It will be complete. I've given myself before, to someone who didn't love me. It seemed like it was the sensible thing to do, and it seemed like it was the right choice. I did it because I was afraid, and because I thought that no one would ever want me. I was afraid no one ever would.
I was afraid to be alone. I hate admitting that to myself. I was terrified of being alone. That's just not true anymore. And I owe thanks to Danny and Phillip both, in the end, for having left me completely alone, as afraid as I was. Because now? I'm not afraid at all. I've learned how to be alone, and to like myself. To respect myself. I've learned to respect who I am.
The fact that I can be alone doesn't mean that I have to be, it means that I don't need to be with anyone else anymore. I don't need to be a part of anyone else to be happy anymore. I don't have to change the life that I've finally started for myself anymore, to throw myself into someone else's line of vision, just to "complete" myself.
I come first now. Me, Crystal. I will not settle anymore, for one inch less than everything. Just because I'm in love with him, just because I want him more than I ever wanted anything, does not mean that I will throw everything I have built in the last year away, to chase after him like a lost puppy. I have more self-respect than that, and I value myself more than that now.
I'll do the choosing this time. I'll choose my direction, and follow my own path now. I have the capacity to love, with a whole heart now, and to share a part of my life. But I won't be a convenience, and I won't be a toy. I don't need to be. I'll be a friend, because that's in my nature. Because I know myself now. Because I've had time to heal, and to think, and to evaluate who I am, and who I want to be.
I'm Crystal. Finally. And it took me a damned long time to get here.
And yes, I love him. I've always loved him. I always will. I won't lie about it, even to myself. There's no point. Even if I'm wrong, even if I make a mistake, I won't lie about it. I love him more than anything. But I won't belong to him.
I won't be anyone's convenience, not ever again. Any belonging, if it ever happens, will be on both sides, or not at all. It will be complete. I've given myself before, to someone who didn't love me. It seemed like it was the sensible thing to do, and it seemed like it was the right choice. I did it because I was afraid, and because I thought that no one would ever want me. I was afraid no one ever would.
I was afraid to be alone. I hate admitting that to myself. I was terrified of being alone. That's just not true anymore. And I owe thanks to Danny and Phillip both, in the end, for having left me completely alone, as afraid as I was. Because now? I'm not afraid at all. I've learned how to be alone, and to like myself. To respect myself. I've learned to respect who I am.
The fact that I can be alone doesn't mean that I have to be, it means that I don't need to be with anyone else anymore. I don't need to be a part of anyone else to be happy anymore. I don't have to change the life that I've finally started for myself anymore, to throw myself into someone else's line of vision, just to "complete" myself.
I come first now. Me, Crystal. I will not settle anymore, for one inch less than everything. Just because I'm in love with him, just because I want him more than I ever wanted anything, does not mean that I will throw everything I have built in the last year away, to chase after him like a lost puppy. I have more self-respect than that, and I value myself more than that now.
I'll do the choosing this time. I'll choose my direction, and follow my own path now. I have the capacity to love, with a whole heart now, and to share a part of my life. But I won't be a convenience, and I won't be a toy. I don't need to be. I'll be a friend, because that's in my nature. Because I know myself now. Because I've had time to heal, and to think, and to evaluate who I am, and who I want to be.
I'm Crystal. Finally. And it took me a damned long time to get here.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A year ago today
Monday August 27, 2007. That was a year ago, today.
And things have changed, haven't they? Today is August 27, 2008. And a year has passed, and I'm sitting here, and in the background is once again playing Ice Cube's "Today was a good day" on my iTunes. But it's not the same now. I re-read that blog post from a year ago, and it hurt, and all I could do was shake my head, and think about all of what's happened since that day.
I wouldn't have thought that so many things would have happened in 12 months. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me then that this could have happened. I still don't quite believe it.
Twelve months ago, I was trying to stabilize from the seizures. Trying to pull it together from problems with Danny. Carl was getting ready to leave for Portland, and Phillip had just gotten back in touch, after a decade long silence.
I'd just barely started going out, to see Nathan's new band Approaching Darkness, and to meet his wife, and to begin living a life that I'd put on hold for longer than I care to think about.
Just barely started coming back out of the darkness that I'd been living in too long. Things were finally beginning to get better for me, and I was just starting to live.
And now, twelve months later? I'm living on my own. I'm still in touch with Sam and Nathan. But that's about all that is the same. Nathan still plays for Approaching Darkness. They're pretty hot on the local band scene, actually. And I still enjoy seeing them play. And Nathan's wife turned out to be absolutely awesome, and I'm very glad I met her, and got to know her.
Danny and I split up, after having been together for seven years, and he moved out, and moved on, in less than a month. I guess he's happy now, and they're doing well, talking about babies and marriage and whatnot. So sayeth the grapevine. It's none of my business, and honestly, no longer any of my concern. I wish him well, and I've moved on.
Phillip and I became friends again, after the ten years we were apart, and became lovers again as well, for a brief time. But there were too many things in the way, and things just couldn't work. I thought he was someone he just isn't, and I ended up hoping for things that couldn't be. And in the end, we couldn't even be friends anymore. I would have hoped to remain friends, but that isn't to be, and I've made my peace with it, and, like Danny, I wish him well. It's Fresno, and I'll do my best to stay clear of him, as that's his wish, but I can't do more than that for him. He knows where I tend to be, and he can avoid me if he wishes.
I've gone from being a complete hermit all the time a year ago, to being someone with a full social life now. I'm actively dating again, and have lost a substantial amount of the weight I've been carrying around for the last decade. So much so, that people no longer pretend that I'm not there. And that's been hard for me to adjust to, because I've started getting attention from men again, and I'm having to learn how to handle it. But I'm managing, and it's been...not too bad.
We'll see how I handle it, once I get into the full swing of things like rejection from the entire dating scenario, and the actual physical aspects of things. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that, but it's bound to be something I need to think about, so I am.
The other things I'm adjusting to are school and work, respectively. I worked full time from May until the beginning of August, and now that school has started, that's slacked off. But now I'm a full-time student, taking courses at the local college, and that's been another major change for me. It's a lot more work than I had really expected it to be, because school was never really challenging for me before. So this is difficult. I hadn't anticipated how different my life was going to be, now that I'm a student with a neurological disability. I actually do having a learning disability now, and that takes some getting used to for a person who always had it very easy.
Living alone has also been an adjustment, but that's been a really good one for me, I've enjoyed learning how to adapt to that. I eat what I want, when I want. I take care of my cat and myself, without having to answer to anyone. There's no worrying about whether there will be dishes in the kitchen, or if the washing machine will be in use. And I like that. I like knowing that whatever I left somewhere will still be there when I go to find it. It's very pleasant for me, because of my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I had always thought that might be the case, and finding out that was true was somewhat reassuring.
To a certain extent, I miss having someone to take care of. Someone to wake up with in the morning, and cook for at night. Just someone to hold sometimes. There are a few things that I really, truly do miss. But I'm doing very well, overall. From the way things were a year ago, I've done remarkably well, given all the changes, and how much I've had to overcome to get me to this point.
I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would just give up, and take all the pills I had in my arsenal, and not care anymore. Because there isn't anyone here to stop me, and I don't really have anyone to answer to anymore. I realize that people would be upset, and I know that I'm loved. But I also know that in the end, it wouldn't be my child or my parents who would find me. It would be someone random, like my manager.
I've been depressed over the last months. I've been upset, and lonely, and yes, even suicidal at times. But it's passing. And I'm getting stronger day by day. So from a year ago, to today? It's improving. And I'm getting to the point where I can feel better more days than not. It isn't sunshine and roses. But at least it isn't always dark.
A year ago everything was dark, with a bright spot. Then everything was dark, with no sun at all.
And now? It's mostly sun, with the occasional dark days, and I'm managing to work through them.
Life moves on. And I'm moving on with it.
And things have changed, haven't they? Today is August 27, 2008. And a year has passed, and I'm sitting here, and in the background is once again playing Ice Cube's "Today was a good day" on my iTunes. But it's not the same now. I re-read that blog post from a year ago, and it hurt, and all I could do was shake my head, and think about all of what's happened since that day.
I wouldn't have thought that so many things would have happened in 12 months. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me then that this could have happened. I still don't quite believe it.
Twelve months ago, I was trying to stabilize from the seizures. Trying to pull it together from problems with Danny. Carl was getting ready to leave for Portland, and Phillip had just gotten back in touch, after a decade long silence.
I'd just barely started going out, to see Nathan's new band Approaching Darkness, and to meet his wife, and to begin living a life that I'd put on hold for longer than I care to think about.
Just barely started coming back out of the darkness that I'd been living in too long. Things were finally beginning to get better for me, and I was just starting to live.
And now, twelve months later? I'm living on my own. I'm still in touch with Sam and Nathan. But that's about all that is the same. Nathan still plays for Approaching Darkness. They're pretty hot on the local band scene, actually. And I still enjoy seeing them play. And Nathan's wife turned out to be absolutely awesome, and I'm very glad I met her, and got to know her.
Danny and I split up, after having been together for seven years, and he moved out, and moved on, in less than a month. I guess he's happy now, and they're doing well, talking about babies and marriage and whatnot. So sayeth the grapevine. It's none of my business, and honestly, no longer any of my concern. I wish him well, and I've moved on.
Phillip and I became friends again, after the ten years we were apart, and became lovers again as well, for a brief time. But there were too many things in the way, and things just couldn't work. I thought he was someone he just isn't, and I ended up hoping for things that couldn't be. And in the end, we couldn't even be friends anymore. I would have hoped to remain friends, but that isn't to be, and I've made my peace with it, and, like Danny, I wish him well. It's Fresno, and I'll do my best to stay clear of him, as that's his wish, but I can't do more than that for him. He knows where I tend to be, and he can avoid me if he wishes.
I've gone from being a complete hermit all the time a year ago, to being someone with a full social life now. I'm actively dating again, and have lost a substantial amount of the weight I've been carrying around for the last decade. So much so, that people no longer pretend that I'm not there. And that's been hard for me to adjust to, because I've started getting attention from men again, and I'm having to learn how to handle it. But I'm managing, and it's been...not too bad.
We'll see how I handle it, once I get into the full swing of things like rejection from the entire dating scenario, and the actual physical aspects of things. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that, but it's bound to be something I need to think about, so I am.
The other things I'm adjusting to are school and work, respectively. I worked full time from May until the beginning of August, and now that school has started, that's slacked off. But now I'm a full-time student, taking courses at the local college, and that's been another major change for me. It's a lot more work than I had really expected it to be, because school was never really challenging for me before. So this is difficult. I hadn't anticipated how different my life was going to be, now that I'm a student with a neurological disability. I actually do having a learning disability now, and that takes some getting used to for a person who always had it very easy.
Living alone has also been an adjustment, but that's been a really good one for me, I've enjoyed learning how to adapt to that. I eat what I want, when I want. I take care of my cat and myself, without having to answer to anyone. There's no worrying about whether there will be dishes in the kitchen, or if the washing machine will be in use. And I like that. I like knowing that whatever I left somewhere will still be there when I go to find it. It's very pleasant for me, because of my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I had always thought that might be the case, and finding out that was true was somewhat reassuring.
To a certain extent, I miss having someone to take care of. Someone to wake up with in the morning, and cook for at night. Just someone to hold sometimes. There are a few things that I really, truly do miss. But I'm doing very well, overall. From the way things were a year ago, I've done remarkably well, given all the changes, and how much I've had to overcome to get me to this point.
I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would just give up, and take all the pills I had in my arsenal, and not care anymore. Because there isn't anyone here to stop me, and I don't really have anyone to answer to anymore. I realize that people would be upset, and I know that I'm loved. But I also know that in the end, it wouldn't be my child or my parents who would find me. It would be someone random, like my manager.
I've been depressed over the last months. I've been upset, and lonely, and yes, even suicidal at times. But it's passing. And I'm getting stronger day by day. So from a year ago, to today? It's improving. And I'm getting to the point where I can feel better more days than not. It isn't sunshine and roses. But at least it isn't always dark.
A year ago everything was dark, with a bright spot. Then everything was dark, with no sun at all.
And now? It's mostly sun, with the occasional dark days, and I'm managing to work through them.
Life moves on. And I'm moving on with it.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I always think I know everything.
At least, I know I can come across that way, a lot of the time. And hey, the reason for that is that it turns out that way all too frequently.
That doesn't mean that I'm always right, and I know that. And it doesn't mean that when things go wrong, I don't hurt for my friends. And I'm just like anyone else in a crisis situation. I don't have the right words to make everything miraculously all right again. I can't fix everything. I can offer words that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I'll listen if you need me.
And I can sit quietly in my corner, and contemplate how badly all of this sucks. And it does. Because I can remember, unfortunately, all too vividly just how much it *still* sucks that my Daddy is gone. And I still worry, daily, that something will happen to Jack. Every single day. Because I just got him, and the idea that he might suddenly not be there? Is a fact that I simply completely and totally am unprepared to come face to face with the possible reality of. I refuse to acknowledge that it might happen at some point, and will not accept it. Fate is simply not cruel enough to do that to me this soon, and I refuse to allow that.
Because I have no choice in such an event, I simply won't adhere to such an idea, and work from that basis. And I try not to think about it. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to deal with the reality of Brody's current situation. Because I've been having to deal with all kinds of things in the last few weeks that have brought me face-to-face with the reality of mortality and all the surrounding issues of it, I'm not handling any of it well. I simply can't handle it, and so my solution has been to put my head in the sand, and pretend that it's not an option.
And while yes, in reality I realize that won't work as a long-term solution, too much has gone on recently for me to handle much more. But Brody's deal right now wasn't something I could do the ostrich routine for, so I pulled it together, and did what I could, and will continue to do.
But it made me stop and think about the fact that all my normal touchstones are gone. The people I call when *I* need someone to lean on, and cling to. The people who are *my* rocks when it hurts, and I need someone to hug, and know that whether I'm crying or not, they'll understand me, and just be there. And it hurt to realize that in one way or another, that's gone now. And I'm working my way through that now.
I honestly think that I took that harder than I have anything else in the last few months. Not the loss of the "boyfriends". Not the anger, and the lashing out. The realization that I had lost the friendships that meant so much to me, and that in a large way, they were my own fault. I hadn't intended for that to be the result, but it was. In both Phillip's and Danny's cases, they're both gone for the same reason. In order to preserve their own relationships, they can't have a friendship with me, and that made me sad. It hurt, more than anything else, to realize that I lost friendships I truly cherished, and it was in large part my own fault.
I was talking about it with Sissa today, and I know she didn't agree with me, but it was the truth, even though she didn't like it. Phillip didn't walk away from me to just be mean, and I know it. I *hate* admitting it, but at the base of it, he walked away because if he hadn't, he would have lost his chance at a relationship that he wanted more than anything. Yes, he got issued an ultimatum, and he made a choice I didn't like. But that was his choice to make, and not mine. And I had no right to cast stones at him for wanting to be happy, and I know it. Just because I was angry, I had no right to want to hurt him for being happy, simply because I was unhappy. And however much it sucked at the time? He had the right to want to be happy. And we would have stayed friends had *I* not insisted his girlfriend know what had gone on. That was my fault, and the consequences were ones I have to live with. Even my anger has finally worn off. And now all that's left is the loss of a friendship I ruined all by myself.
And I've done the same to my friendship with Danny. Thirteen years gone, because I simply can't keep handling watching him with his new love. The constant petty attacks from her are driving me up the wall, and I just can't keep dealing, and I've cut him out of my life. Because I don't know what else I could do. And while that's my choice, and it was a choice that I know he didn't want me to make, I simply don't know what else to do. I've tried to weigh it from all sides, and my instinct tells me things are not going to improve. I gave it time. I tried space. I tried playing by the new "rules". Nothing seemed to improve anything in any way. Every time I gave in, more was asked, until I simply had nothing left to give. I spent half my time crying, and the other half wanting to scream, or actually yelling at him, for things he had no control over. And that wasn't fair either.
And I care too much about him to want him to be unhappy anymore because of me. He doesn't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. He deserves to move on and be happy, without having to make a choice between the woman he was with for so long, and the woman he's with now. Nobody should have to be stuck in between two women, with an attachment to both. And Danny isn't very good at trying to appease both of us. And I don't want him to hurt anymore. So I walked away.
But Gods, it hurts. And now when I look around, and listen to the silence, and know that there's nothing and no one left to call, and absolutely nobody to cry on? It's frightening. And it's difficult. And I don't know what to think, or how to handle the idea. It's a very empty feeling, knowing that I ruined those friendships, and knowing that I'll never get them back. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do, and I've learned that. They might scar over, but they never completely heal.
Actions have consequences, and all lessons get learned at some point. And while I learned mine, even having learned them doesn't mean that I can get back what I lost.
I wish them well. I hope they'll be happy now. I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and the damage I did. But it doesn't change anything now, and I know that too. Because I've learned that I don't know everything, and I can't always fix everything. Sorry doesn't fix some things. Some injuries are permanent, and some damage is too great to be repaired. And some things you just have to live with.
That doesn't mean that I'm always right, and I know that. And it doesn't mean that when things go wrong, I don't hurt for my friends. And I'm just like anyone else in a crisis situation. I don't have the right words to make everything miraculously all right again. I can't fix everything. I can offer words that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I'll listen if you need me.
And I can sit quietly in my corner, and contemplate how badly all of this sucks. And it does. Because I can remember, unfortunately, all too vividly just how much it *still* sucks that my Daddy is gone. And I still worry, daily, that something will happen to Jack. Every single day. Because I just got him, and the idea that he might suddenly not be there? Is a fact that I simply completely and totally am unprepared to come face to face with the possible reality of. I refuse to acknowledge that it might happen at some point, and will not accept it. Fate is simply not cruel enough to do that to me this soon, and I refuse to allow that.
Because I have no choice in such an event, I simply won't adhere to such an idea, and work from that basis. And I try not to think about it. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to deal with the reality of Brody's current situation. Because I've been having to deal with all kinds of things in the last few weeks that have brought me face-to-face with the reality of mortality and all the surrounding issues of it, I'm not handling any of it well. I simply can't handle it, and so my solution has been to put my head in the sand, and pretend that it's not an option.
And while yes, in reality I realize that won't work as a long-term solution, too much has gone on recently for me to handle much more. But Brody's deal right now wasn't something I could do the ostrich routine for, so I pulled it together, and did what I could, and will continue to do.
But it made me stop and think about the fact that all my normal touchstones are gone. The people I call when *I* need someone to lean on, and cling to. The people who are *my* rocks when it hurts, and I need someone to hug, and know that whether I'm crying or not, they'll understand me, and just be there. And it hurt to realize that in one way or another, that's gone now. And I'm working my way through that now.
I honestly think that I took that harder than I have anything else in the last few months. Not the loss of the "boyfriends". Not the anger, and the lashing out. The realization that I had lost the friendships that meant so much to me, and that in a large way, they were my own fault. I hadn't intended for that to be the result, but it was. In both Phillip's and Danny's cases, they're both gone for the same reason. In order to preserve their own relationships, they can't have a friendship with me, and that made me sad. It hurt, more than anything else, to realize that I lost friendships I truly cherished, and it was in large part my own fault.
I was talking about it with Sissa today, and I know she didn't agree with me, but it was the truth, even though she didn't like it. Phillip didn't walk away from me to just be mean, and I know it. I *hate* admitting it, but at the base of it, he walked away because if he hadn't, he would have lost his chance at a relationship that he wanted more than anything. Yes, he got issued an ultimatum, and he made a choice I didn't like. But that was his choice to make, and not mine. And I had no right to cast stones at him for wanting to be happy, and I know it. Just because I was angry, I had no right to want to hurt him for being happy, simply because I was unhappy. And however much it sucked at the time? He had the right to want to be happy. And we would have stayed friends had *I* not insisted his girlfriend know what had gone on. That was my fault, and the consequences were ones I have to live with. Even my anger has finally worn off. And now all that's left is the loss of a friendship I ruined all by myself.
And I've done the same to my friendship with Danny. Thirteen years gone, because I simply can't keep handling watching him with his new love. The constant petty attacks from her are driving me up the wall, and I just can't keep dealing, and I've cut him out of my life. Because I don't know what else I could do. And while that's my choice, and it was a choice that I know he didn't want me to make, I simply don't know what else to do. I've tried to weigh it from all sides, and my instinct tells me things are not going to improve. I gave it time. I tried space. I tried playing by the new "rules". Nothing seemed to improve anything in any way. Every time I gave in, more was asked, until I simply had nothing left to give. I spent half my time crying, and the other half wanting to scream, or actually yelling at him, for things he had no control over. And that wasn't fair either.
And I care too much about him to want him to be unhappy anymore because of me. He doesn't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. He deserves to move on and be happy, without having to make a choice between the woman he was with for so long, and the woman he's with now. Nobody should have to be stuck in between two women, with an attachment to both. And Danny isn't very good at trying to appease both of us. And I don't want him to hurt anymore. So I walked away.
But Gods, it hurts. And now when I look around, and listen to the silence, and know that there's nothing and no one left to call, and absolutely nobody to cry on? It's frightening. And it's difficult. And I don't know what to think, or how to handle the idea. It's a very empty feeling, knowing that I ruined those friendships, and knowing that I'll never get them back. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do, and I've learned that. They might scar over, but they never completely heal.
Actions have consequences, and all lessons get learned at some point. And while I learned mine, even having learned them doesn't mean that I can get back what I lost.
I wish them well. I hope they'll be happy now. I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and the damage I did. But it doesn't change anything now, and I know that too. Because I've learned that I don't know everything, and I can't always fix everything. Sorry doesn't fix some things. Some injuries are permanent, and some damage is too great to be repaired. And some things you just have to live with.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
ah, iTunes, your irony strikes me
I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.
Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.
I guess I must be healing. Finally.
And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.
Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.
I guess I must be healing. Finally.
And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A day in the life of:
There's nothing really interesting going on. I spend my days doing the same things, over and over again. And it's beginning to wear on me. Not necessarily in a bad way? But it's the same thing. I go to FCC tomorrow, to talk to financial aid again, because I get to jump through a couple more hoops. I'm so god-awful tired of jumping through paperwork hoops. And I talked to S.S., who tells me that financial aid should work out just fine. I'm just frustrated. I want everything to get going, and roll smoothly, so that things can just even out already!
I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.
I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.
I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.
And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.
So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.
For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.
I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.
But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.
Goodnight internets.
I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.
I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.
I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.
And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.
So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.
For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.
I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.
But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.
Goodnight internets.
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