Secret word of the week

The word of the week:

Wii

Indeed.

Secret word of the week

My word of the week this week is:

"solitary"

As defined by www.dictionary.com

And a slight update for my life, because I choose to not make a different post. My grandfather is still with me, for another week or so, and then he'll be moving up north, to live with another of his children, not to Nevada, as I had originally thought. He seems to be doing alright, although it's kind of hard to tell from day to day. I'm still holding things together, because that's what I do. I'm not sure how well I'll hold it together once he's gone.

I'm more or less buried under schoolwork, and this is mid-term week as well, which is going to be...complicated, with my grandfather here, but I'll manage. I hope? There isn't a lot I can do. I am under a colossal amount of stress, and once things are settled with my Aunt Amy's body, and my grandfather is settled up north, I suspect that I will pull further back into my shell than I had before.

I would ordinarily apologize now, for the feelings I might be about to bruise by my pulling away from people, but I'm not going to anymore. Everyone said all the right things about being there if I need them, and how I can always call, during my time of need or whatever this last week. But when it came right down to it, I know now exactly who I can count on, when I really *need* someone. The people who actually physically showed up, and were willing to drop everything when there was truly an emergency in *my* life, the same way I always have for everyone else.

And I have to admit, that I'm feeling really raw, and really hurt. There is one person who didn't make it to my side, and the only thing that prevented her/them from being here? Was sheer distance, or she'd've been standing here right now, and I know it. So for my EastCoast sweetheart, know that. I know very well that if you could have, you'd be sitting here eating chocolate with me, and this doesn't apply to you. On the other hand, she's called, every day, and done nothing but asked how I am, and listened to me rant, and said nothing about all the problems I know damned well she's been dealing with. And I appreciate that more than I can even begin to express. I love you.

So yes. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed, and I'm just...tired. I'm tired of all of it. I have bent over backwards, for everyone, and I rarely actually ask anything for myself, of anyone. I listen to everybody's problems, and don't really ask for anybody to try and help me out with mine. But this week? I *needed* help. If nothing else, I needed support, and comfort.

And I freely admit, that I said, at the complete base of the pit of hell, that all I really wanted was Phillip, this week. And three people who honestly would rather have eaten nails, than heard me say those words? Those three people, I know now, actually did what they could, to try and find him for me. Because I hurt, and I didn't and don't want to be alone. And that would have made me feel better. And knowing that they were all three willing to suck it up, and try to make it better for me, meant worlds to me. I know they don't approve. I know what it cost them, to try and do that for me, whether he showed up or not.

I feel...empty. I feel solitary, and lost. Trying to keep my grandfather going, and trying to figure out why I feel alone and empty is hard. And I've been tempted, more tempted than I like admitting, to do something utterly stupid, and I've fought that off. I had and have too many people counting on me. My little brother would be crushed to see me crumble. My grandfather needs me too much. I don't have the option of falling apart.

But now? Now that I'm still holding it together? I've decided that I'm not sure anymore, whether I want to keep trying to make time for, and help out, everyone else...When apparently, no one cares enough to do that for me, not when it really matters. I realize that it's not supposed to be something kept score of. And I don't generally keep a running tally of such things. But at this point, I have completely depleted emotional reserves. And when something damages you this badly, it becomes difficult to care about anyone anymore, when they show such little concern, really. And fluffy words are so easy to say, when there's no real action behind them.

I need to think. And when my thinking is done, then my decisions will most likely be made.

Secret word of the week

This week it's:

"pathetic"

As in: I find it pathetic that you're so thrilled that everything is just wonderful for you, based on whether or not I'm doing well. Wonder if you realize that he thinks you're boring as a stump, and that sex with you was equally tediously boring? LOL.

Secret word of the week

This week my secret word of the week is:

"ashes"

And this is my explanation for "ashes":

Ich würde Ihnen eine Liebe gegeben haben, die eine Lebenszeit gedauert haben würde. Jetzt gebe ich Ihnen nichts. Sie verrieten mich mit jedem Wort, jeder Gedanke, jede Tätigkeit. Was gelassen wird, ist Asche.

Je t'aurais donné un amour qui aurait duré une vie. Maintenant je ne te donnerai rien. Vous m'avez trahi avec chaque mot, chaque pensée, chaque action. Ce qui est laissé est des cendres.

Secret word of the week

Today's word is for Trinette and her family, and for everyone else who has lost someone recently or is mourning a loss of something or someone.

"funereal"

It seems as though a lot of us have lost someone recently, over the last few months, and it appears that there are more on the horizon. A lot of our loved ones are getting older, or are in failing health, and it's making me angry and frustrated to know that there's nothing I can do about that *except* mourn, and shake my fists at the gods and know that time will march on in spite of me.

Secret word of the week

The secret word of the week is:

"reminiscent"

And now I'm gonna go crash out, it's been a long day, a long week, and I'm tired and just in general not happy.

Secret word of the week

This week it is:

"redress"

And as always, if you don't know it, you can find it on:

dictionary.com

Because I'm feeling cool like that, or helpful or something. Whatever. But that's it from me.

Secret word of the week

This week the word of the week is going to be:

"aroused"

Take it however you like.

And have a terrific Sunday, and a fulfilling week, even if you only have yourself to keep you company :)

As for me? While I'll be fairly busy, I'll be vastly amused at the same time. Thanks for the rolling laugh I got while reading blog posts on this early Sunday morning. Cheap thrills indeed.

G'nite internets.

Just for everyone's reference:

Chimera? Has multiple definitions.

chi·me·ra also chi·mae·ra (kī-mîr'ə, kĭ-) Pronunciation Key
n.

1.
1. An organism, organ, or part consisting of two or more tissues of different genetic composition, produced as a result of organ transplant, grafting, or genetic engineering.
2. A substance, such as an antibody, created from the proteins or genes or two different species.
2. An individual who has received a transplant of genetically and immunologically different tissue.
3. A fanciful mental illusion or fabrication.


I was referring to option "3".

Secret word of the week

The secret word of the week is:

"chimera"


Bye.

Secret word of the week

This week the secret word of the week is going to read just like this.



Word of the Day Archive
Sunday September 23, 2007

abrogate \AB-ruh-gayt\, transitive verb:
1. To annul or abolish by an authoritative act.
2. To put an end to; to do away with.

*****
Word of the Day Archive
Wednesday October 3, 2007

distrait \dis-TRAY\, adjective:
Divided or withdrawn in attention, especially because of anxiety.

*****
Word of the Day Archive
Saturday August 9, 2008

tittle-tattle \TIT-uhl TAT-uhl\, noun:
1. Idle, trifling talk; empty prattle.
2. An idle, trifling talker; a gossip.

*****
Word of the Day Archive
Sunday August 10, 2008

exalt \ig-ZOLT\, verb:
1. To praise, glorify, or honor.
2. To heighten or intensify.
3. To raise in rank, character, or status

Secret word of the week *and* blog post

The secret word of the week is:

"despondent"

I'd intended to use depression, as I'm sure everyone has seen the cheesy television ads where they say things like 'Depression, who does it hurts? Everyone.' Blah blah blah. Not that I particularly watch television, being that I don't have cable, or an antenna or any sort, but the ads run while I'm at my doctor's offices as well, so I've seen them, and every time I watch it, it occurs to me that it's fairly accurate.

Depression does hurt. And it hurts in a lot of ways, and it pains the people around too. I guess I should consider myself lucky sometimes, that there aren't people near me to watch me be miserable, just Ezzie, and he doesn't really understand what's going on. But I decided I'd go with despondent, because for me it isn't depression exactly. I could just go onto anti-depressant medication, and that would probably improve things.

Although honestly, that isn't what I'd intended to be blogging about just now. My blog right now is actually about something entirely different, and I'll be changing gears now. I'm feeling quite snarky on someone else's behalf.

My Sissa, the one who makes me challah bread, and took me in for a month and a half to try and straighten me out a while back, and spends half her time putting me, and everybody else she knows back together? The one who never has anything negative to say about anybody? The one with the kids, and the pets, and the 24/7 juggling act that she somehow manages to keep all the balls in the air of most of the time?

That Sissa? A colossal jackass thought it would be fun yesterday to corner her alone, while she had all three of her kids with her, and lay into her verbally. And with foul language and no regard for the fact that the kids were there and heard every word, this supposed gentleman shoved his nose into business he had no business being in the middle of, and made her cry. And now I'm pissed off, and I haven't yet decided whether or not I will be putting my two cents into things.

I figure that all bets are currently off. It's one thing for points A and B to be having a conversation. But if a third party hops into the middle of things he has no business getting into, and Sissa ends up crying and upset, and the kids have to hear it, because he has the manners of a goat? Then there's no reason I can't rip him a new asshole. Obviously, he has no respect for common courtesy, and no problem butting into other people's business. And thus, should have no problem with my being involved in said business. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been involved in the first place, correct?

I knew all the details of what was going on. Of course I did. Hell, I even have the means and resources to have reached all the important parties. I didn't, because hey, none of my business, right? And those same courtesies should have applied. But since they didn't, and he decided to attack a woman alone, with three children, at a family function. Well, then he deserves what's coming to him. And honestly? I'm not as nice as she is.

You want to ream Sissa and call her names? I can think of a few names you deserve to be called, starting with interfering overbearing asshole, and ending with self-righteous idiotic cocksucker. And yes, using that sort of language will, I'm sure, make you think I'm somewhat less than a lady. And you know what? I don't give a damn. You're certainly not a gentleman, to go and attack someone who *is* a lady, like Sissa. Me, personally? Kids or not, I'd've punched you. I would have sat Lauren on the ground, and hauled off and planted my fist in your face had you said the things to me that you said to her, and then I would have walked inside, and told the entire house full of people what you called me. But then again, a lady, I'm not.

Sissa was a lady all the way through, as all she did was put her children in the car, and leave. Argh!!!

Okay, I think I might be done ranting for right this second. And now, I'm going to go and take another round of Benadryl, and go back to sleep. As I said last night, I plan to sleep until I think I'm fit to pass for human interaction again.

Good word of the week to all, and to all...something or other.

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is:

"sedulous"

And that's what I've been for the last couple of months, and what has finally culminated in success, for which I am now pleased, and somewhat relieved.

And am now moving on about my business and setting up my house, and my life, and my future. Myself.

Secret word of the week

This week my secret word of the week is:

"post traumatic stress disorder"

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. It is a severe and ongoing emotional reaction to an extreme psychological trauma. This stressor may involve someone's actual death or a threat to the patient's or someone else's life, serious physical injury, or threat to physical and/or psychological integrity, to a degree that usual psychological defenses are incapable of coping. In some cases it can also be from profound psychological and emotional trauma, apart from any actual physical harm. Often, however, the two are combined.

PTSD is a condition distinct from traumatic stress, which is of less intensity and duration, and combat stress reaction, which is transitory. PTSD has also been recognized in the past as shell shock, traumatic war neurosis, or post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS).

Secret word of the week

This week the secret word of the week isn't going online. It will be back next Sunday.

A moment of silence for things lost and remembered.

Secret word of the week

It's Sunday, word of the week time, and here's the word for today:

"dudgeon"

And again, as always, if you don't know the word, you can always look it up.

'Tis my word, and suits my mood for this week.

Have a good Sunday. My phones are turned to silent for most of today, as I'll be working, and needed them quiet, and I'll be busy. I'll turn them back on this afternoon when work slows down.

Take care.

Secret word of the week

This week the word is:

"harbinger"

If you don't know what it means, look it up.

And I have my reasons for choosing it, and you can all use your lovely little imaginations to try and guess what's going on in *mine*.

Good luck with that.

Secret word of the week

Well, today we're going with:

"Defenestrate"

Which means to throw something out the window. Which is what I'd like to do lately, so that's the word of the week.

Meh. I suppose there's other stuff I'll blog about, but not right now. Right now I have other stuff to do.

Oh, but one other bit of news. I'm going to take up RPG'ing again, because I need the pressure-valve release.

Okay. Take care internets. I'll update with a full on update once everything calms down a bit.

Secret word of week

This week I don't have a secret word of the week. This week's blog is devoted to anger, pure and simple. Maybe my word of the week is "anger" then.

In short? The last few months have completely and totally fucked me over. In every way possible. I don't think I'm going to be giving anybody a chance anymore. I doubt I'll be trusting anybody anymore. The last six months have taught me that, very well. Not to trust anyone when they tell me something. Not to count on anyone for anything, and not to believe in anybody.

It's common knowledge, the things I need from people. And I shouldn't have to ask, especially when they *know* what it is that I need. And I'm tired of having to ask. If they aren't going to volunteer to at least offer to clean up the messes that they caused, and help? I'm sick of being left screwed over. What's the point? I'll try and figure out a way to get by. It's what I have left, right? I'll manage, in one fashion or another, and I'll either sink or swim. But I'll be damned if I'm going to beg for crumbs from people who should have been there for me, when they caused part of the problems I have now.

So I'm angry. I'm frustrated with life. I've gotten a lot of flack recently, because I'm not acting like "myself". Well, yes, I am. "Myself" is the person who has been taken advantage of, walked all over, screwed over, and left to fend for myself when all I've done is tried to help people out, and gotten kicked when I was down and fucked over for it. That's what's left now. When I'm sad, and want someone to talk to? Most of the time, everyone's too busy. When I'm completely flat broke and can't make my rent? Interestingly, it seems as though people forget that I've bailed them out, and have given up my last fifty bucks to help them out. I've let people move into my apartment when by rights I really really shouldn't have, and that one ended up costing me my relationship with Danny, because I couldn't keep it all together when I didn't have the spare room for us to use anymore, and he moved back to his parents, because I broke up with him rather than keep sharing the bedroom with him, because I had to have some space or I was going to go crazy.

I have absolutely bent over backwards trying to do everything for everyone, and it has cost me everything I have. And what has it gotten me? Left behind and dropped, now that I don't have Danny's money backing me anymore. Nobody cares or remembers me. I'm useless to them now. Now that I might need something in return. Now that I should be repaid what was loaned eons ago.

I'm so tired. I don't want to fight. I don't want to ask, or beg, or be pitied. It's tedious, and I'm sick of all of it. So giving me shit because I'm not acting like "myself"? No, I'm acting like myself. I'm just not as much fun now that my life is difficult. It's a lot harder to be "fun" all the time, when life sucks 95% of the time. Working thirteen hours a day, seven days a week SUCKS. How many of you do that? I'm pretty sure everyone but me gets days off. And probably makes more money than I do, as well. And I still haven't even *gotten* a paycheck.

This has turned into quite a rant. So everyone wants to know what's "wrong" with me lately? Take a good look at yourselves, and see if you're one of the ones who has screwed me over lately. And whether or not you figure if you just ignore something and wait it out, maybe I won't ask for whatever it is that you should be doing for me, or making me ask for whatever it is that I need. Then you won't have to do it. Hey, if you're comfortable with letting your conscience ignore screwing me over, more power to you. But I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm tired of it. If you've screwed me over, I guess I don't particularly need friends like that in my life anymore. They're kind of an emotional drain that I don't need. I'm drowning enough already without needing to have to beg for things that should have been freely offered to help.

This has been long enough. I'm going to go back to work now. Because that's what I do now.

Secret word of the week

So this week's secret word of the week is:

"closure"

Take it as you will.

I'm jumping back into the pond now.