Maybe I've figured it out, and you're all just batshit insane. Or perhaps I am. Not entirely certain which.
So today's little lesson, or maybe it wasn't just today, it's kind of the culmination of the last little while, is that everyone hates reality. But they each seem to hate reality, their own personal flavor of it, and they like it flavored with their own personal quirks. They take their insane little bubble-psychosis in their own ways.
And no one wants to deal with reality, not really. They pretend that they're facing it, and claim that they're acting accordingly. But it's a lie. And that lie causes them to be assholes. On both small and huge scales.
While dealing with reality, you have to deal with people and things that you don't necessarily like and enjoy. And to deal with those things, you have to make what are called accommodations. You accept that things are not always going to please your personal tastes, and you modify your behavior accordingly. You act like a human being, and you sit quietly in the boring waiting room, through the boring movie that you wouldn't necessarily enjoy, you put up with the play that makes someone else happy, because in the real world, someone else has made that same accommodation to make you happy at one point or another. You got your turn, now they get their turn, and both parties have reached being happy. Maybe not at exactly the same time, but it still happened.
Yes, each was bored for >x< amount of time, while the opposite person was delighted because they got theirs. That's sort of how it works. I'm sure that while you were washing the dishes, you probably weren't ecstatic. But in the end, the kitchen got cleaned, which would mean for a nice, neat room, which would make the reality of living there all that much more pleasant.
The lie factor here? Is that everyone says they live in the real world, and they don't. Because if they did, they'd deal. To make other people happy. To have the clean house. To have the happy partner, even if they were bored. Even if it meant doing some of it themselves, instead of bitching to have it done for them.
But nobody wants to step out of that extremely self-centered zone, where life revolves around their own happy place, wherever that happens to be. Because people are jerks. It doesn't matter that someone else is unhappy for a little while, as long as you're not bored, even for a couple of hours. As long as you don't have to be frustrated, or aggravated, or anything else. As long as you don't have to be uncomfortable, or leave the bubble-zone, because it's all about you. And they don't see it. They've lived in their own head for so long, that they genuinely never look around and see from any perspective but their own, so that fake reality has become real, and no amount of reasoning will sway them.
Or I suppose that might not be it. It might be genuine unconcern, because they want it all their way, all the time, and just don't care that being bored for a few hours might be worth it. That it makes them like the rest of the human race, to step back down with the rest of us, to make someone else happy, for no other reason than that. It doesn't have to be all your own way, all the time. To take note of what others do and give for you, and return the same courtesy, however small. To see from someone else's perspective.
No one is correct about everything, all the time. And no one shares the same world view about everything. But insulating yourself and being unwilling to do, and see, and experience anything at all that makes you uncomfortable, or bored, or that you find uninteresting, or that you dislike? You have at the same time shown to someone else that you devalue their opinion and their interests and their views. By being unwilling to see things from their perspective you have shown yourself to be removed from reality, or just uncaring about anything but what you like, with no regard for anything they like.
Showing posts with label interesting stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label interesting stuff. Show all posts
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Sociopathic tendencies
HOW TO KNOW
The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, I strongly recommend you read both of those books I mentioned and think hard about it. Compare that person to the other people in your life. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you often feel used by the person?
2. Have you often felt that he (or she) doesn't care about you?
3. Does he lie and deceive you?
4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?
5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?
6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?
7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?
8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?
9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?
10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?
11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?
12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?
13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?
And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered yes to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.
I like Martha Stout's way of detecting sociopaths: "If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."
WHAT DO THEY WANT?
This is an interesting question. Of course most people have purposes that are strongly influenced by our connections and affections with others. Our relationships with others, and our love for them, give us most of the meaning in life. So if a sociopath doesn't have these things, what is left? What kind of purposes do they have? The answer is chilling: They want to win. Take away love and relationships and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is decided to be. If they are in business, it is becoming rich. If it is sibling rivalry, it is defeating the sibling. If it is a contest, the goal is to dominate. If a sociopath is the envious sort, winning would be making the other lose, or fail, or be frustrated, or embarrassed.
A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win. And sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.
One of the questions above was about boredom. This is a real problem for sociopaths and they seem fanatically driven to prevent boredom. The reason it looms so large for them (and seems so strange to us) is that our relationships with people occupy a good amount of our time and attention. Take that away and all you have is "playing to win" which is rather shallow and empty in comparison. So boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).
And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.
WHEN YOU SAY THE WORD "sociopath" most people think of serial killers. But although many serial killers are sociopaths, there are far more sociopaths leading ordinary lives. Chances are you know a sociopath. I say "ordinary lives," but what they do is far from ordinary. Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic those feelings remarkably well.
Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and what you get is most sociopaths go undetected. The reason this is a problem is that they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.
Who are these people? Why are they the way they are? Apparently it has little to do with upbringing. Many studies have been done trying to find out what kind of childhood leads to sociopathy. So far, nothing looks likely. They could be from any kind of family. It is partly genetic, and partly mystery.
But researchers have found that the brains of sociopaths function differently than normal people. And their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life unredeemably shallow. And yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors.
Sociopaths and psychopaths are the same thing. The original name for this disorder was "psychopath" but the general public and media confused it with "psycho" and "psychotic" so in the 1930s the name was changed to sociopath. Recently the media again caused a misperception that sociopaths were always serial killers, so now many call the condition "antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)." But some experts think ASPD includes many things like narcissism, paranoia, etc. And also including sociopathy. And others think ASPD is the same thing as sociopathy, but the diagnostic criteria used to describe and diagnose ASPD is different than sociopathy, so for the purposes of this article, we'll stay with the term "sociopathy."
Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience. If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others. And if you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.
HOW COMMON ARE THEY?
Some researchers say only about one percent of the general population are sociopaths. Others put the figure at three or four percent. The reason the estimates vary is first of all, not everyone has been tested, of course, but also because sociopathy is a sliding scale. A person can be very sociopathic or only slightly, and anywhere in between. It is a continuum. So how sociopathic does someone have to be before you call them sociopathic? That's a tough question and it is why the estimates vary.
But clearly sociopaths are fairly common and not easy to detect. Even when the evidence is staring you in the face, you may have difficulty admitting that someone you know, someone you trusted, even someone you love, is a sociopath. But the sooner you admit it, the faster your life can return to normal. Face the facts and you may save yourself a lot of suffering.
Most of the information in this article is from two excellent books: Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us, and The Sociopath Next Door. The first book is by Robert Hare, who has made his career out of studying sociopaths. He is one of the leading, if not the leading expert on the subject. His insights and examples are compelling. But because Hare has done most of his research in prisons, sometimes his book seems a little removed from everyday reality. We don't very often run into rapists and cold-blooded killers. The second book, by Martha Stout, brings it to the everyday level, describing the kinds of people we are likely to meet in ordinary life.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A SOCIOPATH
There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe. Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. That's not your responsibility. You have your own goals, and those are your responsibility.
In Hare's book, he says before you diagnose someone as a sociopath, he recommends you get a full clinical diagnostic, including an extensive interview with the sociopath by a qualified psychotherapist, plus interviews with the sociopath's bosses, co-workers, friends, and family. Yeah, right. Good luck on that one. I agree, that would be ideal, but if you can get a sociopath to submit to an interview, I would be astonished. So you'll have to do the best you can with the information you can get.
I don't recommend you tell anyone you have diagnosed him as a sociopath. In fact, I strongly urge you not to. I don't even know if it's a good idea to tell anyone about your conclusion. Just get the sociopath out of your life with as little fanfare as you can. The only exception I would make to this rule is if the sociopath is making someone else's life a living hell, it seems wrong to leave her to the wolves while you slink off. I don't recommend you try to convince your friend she is dealing with a sociopath. I recommend that you simply say you got a lot of insight from this or that book or whatever, and let your friend draw her own conclusions. It is not your mission to save your friend, either. Tell her what you know and if she ignores you, that's her problem, not yours.
If this all sounds cold or heartless, maybe you're not dealing with a sociopath, or maybe she or he hasn't driven you to the point of madness (yet). But remember what the solution is; you may someday need it.
And besides, the point of all this dismal information is so you no longer need to think about such negative things and so you can turn your attention to positive, life-affirming, uplifting goals of your own.
You may also want to check out an online support group for people who are in a relationship with a sociopath:
MSN Groups: Psychopathy
MSN Groups: Friends and Family
If you have a sociopath in your life, you should take it seriously. Learn what you need to learn, and if you are pretty sure you have correctly identified one, do what needs to be done to protect yourself. Then get back to your own life. Accomplish your goals. Nurture your relationships. Learn and grow and enjoy yourself.
Summary Of Sociopaths
1. They make you feel sorry for them.
2. They make you feel worried or afraid.
3. They give you the impression you owe them.
4. They make you feel used.
5. Sometimes you suspect they don't care about you.
6. They lie to you and deceive you.
7. They take a lot from you and give back very little.
8. They make you feel guilty (and use that to manipulate you).
9. They take advantage of your kindness.
10. They are easily bored and need constant stimulation.
11. They don't take responsibility but place blame elsewhere.
The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, I strongly recommend you read both of those books I mentioned and think hard about it. Compare that person to the other people in your life. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you often feel used by the person?
2. Have you often felt that he (or she) doesn't care about you?
3. Does he lie and deceive you?
4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?
5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?
6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?
7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?
8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?
9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?
10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?
11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?
12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?
13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?
And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered yes to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.
I like Martha Stout's way of detecting sociopaths: "If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."
WHAT DO THEY WANT?
This is an interesting question. Of course most people have purposes that are strongly influenced by our connections and affections with others. Our relationships with others, and our love for them, give us most of the meaning in life. So if a sociopath doesn't have these things, what is left? What kind of purposes do they have? The answer is chilling: They want to win. Take away love and relationships and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is decided to be. If they are in business, it is becoming rich. If it is sibling rivalry, it is defeating the sibling. If it is a contest, the goal is to dominate. If a sociopath is the envious sort, winning would be making the other lose, or fail, or be frustrated, or embarrassed.
A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win. And sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.
One of the questions above was about boredom. This is a real problem for sociopaths and they seem fanatically driven to prevent boredom. The reason it looms so large for them (and seems so strange to us) is that our relationships with people occupy a good amount of our time and attention. Take that away and all you have is "playing to win" which is rather shallow and empty in comparison. So boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).
And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.
WHEN YOU SAY THE WORD "sociopath" most people think of serial killers. But although many serial killers are sociopaths, there are far more sociopaths leading ordinary lives. Chances are you know a sociopath. I say "ordinary lives," but what they do is far from ordinary. Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic those feelings remarkably well.
Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and what you get is most sociopaths go undetected. The reason this is a problem is that they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.
Who are these people? Why are they the way they are? Apparently it has little to do with upbringing. Many studies have been done trying to find out what kind of childhood leads to sociopathy. So far, nothing looks likely. They could be from any kind of family. It is partly genetic, and partly mystery.
But researchers have found that the brains of sociopaths function differently than normal people. And their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life unredeemably shallow. And yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors.
Sociopaths and psychopaths are the same thing. The original name for this disorder was "psychopath" but the general public and media confused it with "psycho" and "psychotic" so in the 1930s the name was changed to sociopath. Recently the media again caused a misperception that sociopaths were always serial killers, so now many call the condition "antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)." But some experts think ASPD includes many things like narcissism, paranoia, etc. And also including sociopathy. And others think ASPD is the same thing as sociopathy, but the diagnostic criteria used to describe and diagnose ASPD is different than sociopathy, so for the purposes of this article, we'll stay with the term "sociopathy."
Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience. If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others. And if you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.
HOW COMMON ARE THEY?
Some researchers say only about one percent of the general population are sociopaths. Others put the figure at three or four percent. The reason the estimates vary is first of all, not everyone has been tested, of course, but also because sociopathy is a sliding scale. A person can be very sociopathic or only slightly, and anywhere in between. It is a continuum. So how sociopathic does someone have to be before you call them sociopathic? That's a tough question and it is why the estimates vary.
But clearly sociopaths are fairly common and not easy to detect. Even when the evidence is staring you in the face, you may have difficulty admitting that someone you know, someone you trusted, even someone you love, is a sociopath. But the sooner you admit it, the faster your life can return to normal. Face the facts and you may save yourself a lot of suffering.
Most of the information in this article is from two excellent books: Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us, and The Sociopath Next Door. The first book is by Robert Hare, who has made his career out of studying sociopaths. He is one of the leading, if not the leading expert on the subject. His insights and examples are compelling. But because Hare has done most of his research in prisons, sometimes his book seems a little removed from everyday reality. We don't very often run into rapists and cold-blooded killers. The second book, by Martha Stout, brings it to the everyday level, describing the kinds of people we are likely to meet in ordinary life.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A SOCIOPATH
There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe. Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. That's not your responsibility. You have your own goals, and those are your responsibility.
In Hare's book, he says before you diagnose someone as a sociopath, he recommends you get a full clinical diagnostic, including an extensive interview with the sociopath by a qualified psychotherapist, plus interviews with the sociopath's bosses, co-workers, friends, and family. Yeah, right. Good luck on that one. I agree, that would be ideal, but if you can get a sociopath to submit to an interview, I would be astonished. So you'll have to do the best you can with the information you can get.
I don't recommend you tell anyone you have diagnosed him as a sociopath. In fact, I strongly urge you not to. I don't even know if it's a good idea to tell anyone about your conclusion. Just get the sociopath out of your life with as little fanfare as you can. The only exception I would make to this rule is if the sociopath is making someone else's life a living hell, it seems wrong to leave her to the wolves while you slink off. I don't recommend you try to convince your friend she is dealing with a sociopath. I recommend that you simply say you got a lot of insight from this or that book or whatever, and let your friend draw her own conclusions. It is not your mission to save your friend, either. Tell her what you know and if she ignores you, that's her problem, not yours.
If this all sounds cold or heartless, maybe you're not dealing with a sociopath, or maybe she or he hasn't driven you to the point of madness (yet). But remember what the solution is; you may someday need it.
And besides, the point of all this dismal information is so you no longer need to think about such negative things and so you can turn your attention to positive, life-affirming, uplifting goals of your own.
You may also want to check out an online support group for people who are in a relationship with a sociopath:
MSN Groups: Psychopathy
MSN Groups: Friends and Family
If you have a sociopath in your life, you should take it seriously. Learn what you need to learn, and if you are pretty sure you have correctly identified one, do what needs to be done to protect yourself. Then get back to your own life. Accomplish your goals. Nurture your relationships. Learn and grow and enjoy yourself.
Summary Of Sociopaths
1. They make you feel sorry for them.
2. They make you feel worried or afraid.
3. They give you the impression you owe them.
4. They make you feel used.
5. Sometimes you suspect they don't care about you.
6. They lie to you and deceive you.
7. They take a lot from you and give back very little.
8. They make you feel guilty (and use that to manipulate you).
9. They take advantage of your kindness.
10. They are easily bored and need constant stimulation.
11. They don't take responsibility but place blame elsewhere.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Where'd you go? Feels like it's been forever
Yeah, more morose blogging. Skip to the bottom if you don't want to see me being morose.
And no, I'm not sitting around clutching my phone, desperately wanting to call the rat bastard. I'm not that far gone. But I still miss him. Can't help that. He's an ass, it's not like I've gone nuts or anything. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts, and he's gone, and *that* hurts. And there are days that I wish I could forget what he did, and things could be the way they were, and I could *not* hurt, ya know?
And no, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to cry on anyone's shoulder, and I don't want to be comforted. I simply want to not have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want it to go away, so that things go back to normal, and I've come to the conclusion that there may never be "normal" anymore for me.
In November, when Trinette goes with Steven, might actually be the beginning of "normal" for me, where I actually start to put together something that will be "normal". I don't know what that will be. But it will be something. I'll figure it out. But it'll be something.
In the meantime, I have to go to the fucking post office in the morning, and figure out what happened to my mail. Apparently, I think I've figured out part of the culprit. Mona checked the box for "family" to forward her and Cora and it caused everyone at this address to bounce. And since Trinette was a new tenant, hers got straightened out and hers is now being delivered, but mine's just being rejected and returned to sender, as it has nowhere to forward *to*. Danny and Mona's is going to them, and mine is just going nowhere. Unfortunately, it means SS and the stuff from the doctor and everything else like my bills are all being bounced back. It's a royal pain in the ass. And I need to go get it straightened pronto, because I already notified SS that I'm working, and if they get a bounce back that I don't live here, god only knows what will happen. Like they'll stop giving me my paychecks possibly? It could be *very* bad. So I will go and untangle that tomorrow. And I hope it's a very simple untangle.
I talked to work today, I hit what I needed to hit to get paid, albeit it not being a very big check because it's a pro-rate. But I *did* hit it. So all is well there. I had a manager pull the numbers, so I know I hit what needed to be hit before the end of month tally. Next month will be better, but it was the first month of testing that I was worried about. Next month will be a full run, and I'll be shooting for much higher numbers, and I will have a better idea of when I need to be tied to the keyboard, and how and what I'm doing than I did now, but I needed to hit that pro-rated amount to get paid at all, and to maintain the job. And I did. I'm very happy and pleased with that.
I'm doing alright, I suppose. I'm working, I'm doing all the things I need to be doing. I'm pretty tired lately, because my sleep schedule is all messed up. And while I'm getting *enough* sleep, my body just doesn't know what to think of what I'm up to. And I'm not used to working at all, so perhaps that's why I'm so tired. The stress of knowing I *have* to work. Perhaps that's it? I don't know.
And I know that starting next Saturday, I will be sitting in front of my machine four hours a day, minimum, because I want to pulling down 450 messages a day, every day, to be hitting what I want to be hitting. Whether I like it or not, that's what I need to do. And it isn't an option anymore. I need to be treating it like the full-time job it is, and until I hit those 450 messages, I can't be going out and hanging out, and fucking around. It was okay this month, because I didn't have to hit the higher number that I'm going to need to be hitting next month. But next month I *have* to hit that number. And so it's sitting in front of the computer until I hit that goal. It isn't like transcription, where I had little tapes, and I worked until the work was done, and then I was finished. I have to be logged in until I hit that goal. And then I'm free to play. But I have to stop screwing off. (mental discussion with myself here, nobody else needs to harass me)
In other news, massive thanks to Brandon for fixing my cell phone charger and saving my ass. Esbat freaking ate it. I would've had to go buy a new one, but Brandon repaired it, and saved me money I didn't have to spend, which I am massively grateful to him for. And I'm grateful in advance to him for the moving of my little mini-fridge that he'll be helping me to move tomorrow. Thank you Brandon! I appreciate it more than I can say. Yay for the Ramsey family!
And no, I'm not sitting around clutching my phone, desperately wanting to call the rat bastard. I'm not that far gone. But I still miss him. Can't help that. He's an ass, it's not like I've gone nuts or anything. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts, and he's gone, and *that* hurts. And there are days that I wish I could forget what he did, and things could be the way they were, and I could *not* hurt, ya know?
And no, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to cry on anyone's shoulder, and I don't want to be comforted. I simply want to not have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want it to go away, so that things go back to normal, and I've come to the conclusion that there may never be "normal" anymore for me.
In November, when Trinette goes with Steven, might actually be the beginning of "normal" for me, where I actually start to put together something that will be "normal". I don't know what that will be. But it will be something. I'll figure it out. But it'll be something.
In the meantime, I have to go to the fucking post office in the morning, and figure out what happened to my mail. Apparently, I think I've figured out part of the culprit. Mona checked the box for "family" to forward her and Cora and it caused everyone at this address to bounce. And since Trinette was a new tenant, hers got straightened out and hers is now being delivered, but mine's just being rejected and returned to sender, as it has nowhere to forward *to*. Danny and Mona's is going to them, and mine is just going nowhere. Unfortunately, it means SS and the stuff from the doctor and everything else like my bills are all being bounced back. It's a royal pain in the ass. And I need to go get it straightened pronto, because I already notified SS that I'm working, and if they get a bounce back that I don't live here, god only knows what will happen. Like they'll stop giving me my paychecks possibly? It could be *very* bad. So I will go and untangle that tomorrow. And I hope it's a very simple untangle.
I talked to work today, I hit what I needed to hit to get paid, albeit it not being a very big check because it's a pro-rate. But I *did* hit it. So all is well there. I had a manager pull the numbers, so I know I hit what needed to be hit before the end of month tally. Next month will be better, but it was the first month of testing that I was worried about. Next month will be a full run, and I'll be shooting for much higher numbers, and I will have a better idea of when I need to be tied to the keyboard, and how and what I'm doing than I did now, but I needed to hit that pro-rated amount to get paid at all, and to maintain the job. And I did. I'm very happy and pleased with that.
I'm doing alright, I suppose. I'm working, I'm doing all the things I need to be doing. I'm pretty tired lately, because my sleep schedule is all messed up. And while I'm getting *enough* sleep, my body just doesn't know what to think of what I'm up to. And I'm not used to working at all, so perhaps that's why I'm so tired. The stress of knowing I *have* to work. Perhaps that's it? I don't know.
And I know that starting next Saturday, I will be sitting in front of my machine four hours a day, minimum, because I want to pulling down 450 messages a day, every day, to be hitting what I want to be hitting. Whether I like it or not, that's what I need to do. And it isn't an option anymore. I need to be treating it like the full-time job it is, and until I hit those 450 messages, I can't be going out and hanging out, and fucking around. It was okay this month, because I didn't have to hit the higher number that I'm going to need to be hitting next month. But next month I *have* to hit that number. And so it's sitting in front of the computer until I hit that goal. It isn't like transcription, where I had little tapes, and I worked until the work was done, and then I was finished. I have to be logged in until I hit that goal. And then I'm free to play. But I have to stop screwing off. (mental discussion with myself here, nobody else needs to harass me)
In other news, massive thanks to Brandon for fixing my cell phone charger and saving my ass. Esbat freaking ate it. I would've had to go buy a new one, but Brandon repaired it, and saved me money I didn't have to spend, which I am massively grateful to him for. And I'm grateful in advance to him for the moving of my little mini-fridge that he'll be helping me to move tomorrow. Thank you Brandon! I appreciate it more than I can say. Yay for the Ramsey family!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
On cheating and deception.
Truth About Deception. It's a website that I found, and it's a really neat interesting read. It has stuff on cheating, and relationships, and confessing what you've done, and why and when you should or shouldn't. It has all kinds of very interesting stuff. How to catch your partner in lies, and just all kinds of interesting stuff. I read through all kinds of links on there, and will probably go back and read more, but I though I'd post the link here for anyone who was interested. It's sort of in the same vein of the love addiction thing I posted about a while back.
An interesting read.
An interesting read.
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