ah, iTunes, your irony strikes me

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know


Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.

Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.

I guess I must be healing. Finally.

And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.

Wow, for my amusement

So I was surfing around on MySpace, looking at various friends pages, and the tagline on one of them was this "I know your dirty little secret, and I'm laughing about it!". And my god, how funny that strikes me. That just amused me to absolutely no end. In part, because the picture accompanying that caption made her look kind of like a leprechaun, and also because it's so very true.

I know damned near everybody's dirty little secrets. For one reason or another, everybody talks to me. So I know all the secrets. And yes, if you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "No, you don't!", yes, I probably do. People around here have exceptionally big mouths. This town is a horrible place to keep secrets. Six degrees of separation, or the Kevin Bacon game? That stupid telephone game from when we were younger? I swear all of those originated in Fresno. And by the time you manage to trace whatever the rumor or secret or what-have-you back to the original source, gods only know what massacre of blasphemy you'll have heard. Truth is a much better route to take.

As a general rule, it's why I don't bother with secrets. Lies are too complicated and hard to keep straight. And people have way too much fun talking about me in the first place, so there's not really any point for me to try and bother with bullshit. I keep to myself, for the most part, which narrows the playing field considerably, and for the rest? I just ignore it.

I feel horrible for the people who aren't as lucky as I am in that regard.

But back to my original thought. Where was I? Oh, yes. That's right. Dirty little secrets. I read that tag line, and just laughed and laughed. Because it was so very true, and so humorous all at once. "I know your dirty little secret, and I'm laughing about it!". And I do. And I am.

Yay!

I am not like them

I am myself. No one else. Each person can be no one but themselves, correct? And as such, I can be no one but me. And I am not like them. Do not judge the way I will respond by the way you've been treated. And please don't think that I will do to you as they have done.

I am not them.

I am sad today. There is a vast emptiness inside of me because I feel as though I have failed and should somehow be giving more than I am. Should be supplying something that I'm not. Helping somehow in a way that I'm not, and I do not know how to give or do more than I already am. This is my failing, and I know not how to overcome it. I hold your face in my hands, and I am complete in that moment. But you are not, and I don't know how to help you. I am, briefly, whole again, and it is a feeling I wish you could share. Even for a moment, that feeling of being complete is wonderful.

Would I leave, if things change? No, not for anything. I would fight with everything I have to keep you a part of my life, in any way necessary. You are important to me. It pains me that I never explained that to you. It breaks my heart that I don't have the words for you to make it clear easily. You matter. *YOU* matter. You can take away the other things, and it's you who matters, not the other things. I can live without those things. But I need you in my life. That matters to me, and I would fight to keep you as a part of it. Will fight for it, if it came to that. I won't lose you again.

The greatest love

I wonder about that. I wonder about a lot of things. What makes someone love? Why do you love someone? Why love, instead of friendship? Why love instead of lust? Why a bond instead of attraction? What's the basis for the differences?

What causes the differences in how people feel? Not that I have the answers, by any stretch of the imagination. I can't even differentiate in the feelings in myself, much less make the distinctions for anybody else. But I've been thinking about it lately.

And I'd mentioned that I wanted to blog about it, so here I am.

I am apathetic about most things, a great deal of the time. I feel loyalty very strongly, but it's not for a great many people. I was talking to an acquaintance of mine last night, and I referenced a friend of mine, who is intensely loyal to me, who I am equally loyal to in return. And he was surprised to hear of this loyalty, because it wasn't something he associated with her. And I can't think of her in any other terms.

I love her, unquestionably. She is loyal to me, without qualm. I wouldn't want to be the poor soul who has the bad sense to badmouth me in her presence. I know I pity the poor idiot who badmouths her in *my* presence. And it's a good feeling. And while I occasionally have sexual feelings for women, there is absolutely no attraction for this female. I love her to pieces. But it's a completely platonic love. Which brings me around to the various types of love, and how to feel them.

I don't quite understand what makes people, and me in particular, tick. Especially where emotions are involved. Because I am so detached so much of the time, it's very odd for me to try and line up feelings, so I can understand how I'm supposed to be feeling at any given moment.

I have discovered recently that I see things in a very black and white fashion, and that a lot of society does not agree with my black and white view. Grey areas don't sit well with me. Hypocrisy does not sit well with me.

I do what I say I am going to do, and I act the way I say I am going to act. I am what I present to the world, and take it or leave it, I am who I claim to be. I am fast coming to the conclusion that this is not the case for the majority of people. And that disappoints me. And it leaves me with a very difficult way of functioning around people who say one thing and do another.

It also leaves me at a loss for being able to trust people who say they love me. It's very hard for me to trust anyone in general. It's becoming harder for me now to trust anyone whose actions and words don't match. And it's nothing personal. It's just that I'm having a lot of trouble recently, adjusting to all the changes that have been takig place, and so I don't quite know how to handle the things that are going on around me. And par for the course, my normal response is to simply step back and watch until things settle around me, and then make a decision.

I'm not in any great rush to make uninformed decisions. I have no pressing need to make changes without knowing all of where things lay, so I can just drift. Too many people are in too great a rush, whereas I am generally content to let things be. When the dust settles, I'll still be here. And then I'll figure out what I want to do.

Wow, that was somewhat off topic. Well, not entirely. Back to how people categorize things.

I have a friend named (censored), who I absolutely love to pieces. He is teh awesome, and I can talk to him and know he understands me. I don't have to think about what I'm saying to him, and I know that no matter what I say, he doesn't judge me, and that he will keep my secrets, and he loves me. I *know* this. And I can flirt with him. And he flirts back. And he is the bestest thing ever. And if I called and needed someone's shoulder to cry on, or somewhere to run to, I could both cry on him, or run to him, and he would be right there. Because he's (censored), and that's what he does, and who he is for me. And yet, there is absolutely no kind of underlying 'bone jumping' urge between the two of us. A long time ago, we were both accused of having that kind of involvement. That was seven years ago. Neither one of us is still involved with the people who accused us of that. And yet the two of us are still extremely good, close friends. Go figure. He also gives teh most bestest of hugs. Yay!

But in spite of all those things, it never occurred to me to try and find a romantic attachment with (censored). That spark just wasn't there. And I don't know why. He's a wonderful man. He's smart, he's attractive, he's well-spoken. He's got all of the qualities I find attractive in a man, and yet. It's just not there.

Which leaves me curious about what it is that causes two people to end up as lovers rather than friends. What is it that makes it so that you can have emotional bonds instead of physical ones? Why can you be with some people and not keep your hands off each other? And others you can have meetings of the mind, but no inclination at all to have grope-fest 2007?

Ahh, I give up. If anybody has any insight here, I'm all ears. Opinions? Advice? Just random babble, please post here!