A day in the life of:

There's nothing really interesting going on. I spend my days doing the same things, over and over again. And it's beginning to wear on me. Not necessarily in a bad way? But it's the same thing. I go to FCC tomorrow, to talk to financial aid again, because I get to jump through a couple more hoops. I'm so god-awful tired of jumping through paperwork hoops. And I talked to S.S., who tells me that financial aid should work out just fine. I'm just frustrated. I want everything to get going, and roll smoothly, so that things can just even out already!

I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.

I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.

I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.

And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.

So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.

For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.

I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.

But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.

Goodnight internets.

New jobs, and changes

So it looks like the gainfully employed bit is about to commence. The training packet, the first section of it, arrived today, in my email. I've read through a lot of the starter stuff, and it seems fairly straightfoward. I'll fill out the initial questionnaire and send it back for their review, and proceed on from there. They have to make sure I can keep up the typing speed, and that the messages are the right length. But it looks as though all of that is going to be a go.

And it'll give me a nice distraction. I hope it all goes as well as planned. I did a few other things today too, talked to Danny and told him the straightforward truth about how I'm feeling.

I'm tired. I'm tired of pretty much everything. I don't have any fight left. That's the point I'm at. There is simply no fight left in me, for anything.

All I want to do now is work, wait for Steven to come back from Iraq, so that Trinette can move on, and start her life with him and be happy, because Gods know she deserves to finally get to do that. Not that I'm not thrilled with her being here, but I want for her to finally get to be happy. But I want her to get to start the life she's waited so long for.

I want to work. I want to bury myself in it, for the most part, because it's a good distraction. Trinette says she'll teach me to crochet and make blankets and some other stuff. But that's what I want. I don't have enough fight to want to do anything other than lose myself in a job, and distracting myself with random things. I've finally been beaten and broken and I don't care anymore. I don't want to get even. I don't want to go and be vindicated.

I just want to be left alone. I'm not sure if the people who love me will understand that enough to not be offended by it. But that's all I really want. I hurt so much that all I really want is to be left alone, until I've saved some money, and can feel something again. Because right now? Sigh.