pink fleece and white bunnies

I haven't really written much of anything on here in a while, weeks really. Not because I don't have anything to say to anybody, but more because anytime I have something interesting to say, I decide I don't want to post it up on the internets, for everybody to read.

For a long time, I was absolutely uptight about who was reading my words, and wondering who was stalking me. I was paranoid in the extreme, and was constantly nervous and upset with the idea of who it might be, and why they were so interested in what I had to say, if anything.

For a long time, I spent months trying to get past and let go of the past, and get over how badly I was hurt, and move on with my life. And I actually finally did move on, and put my world...not back together. It was too shattered for that. But I built a new one, and I liked who I became. But it took me almost two years, to do that.

Recovering from being devastated takes time, and takes perseverance, and determination. It means not giving up, or giving in, or not being willing to giving anyone else including yourself the satisfaction of letting anyone seeing your fail.

I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot of time sitting alone attempting to make sense of the whys and the hows and trying to understand if there was a failing in me or if there was something I could have done to have made something have gone a different way.

In the end, I accepted that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that everything probably does happen for a reason, and I let it go, and I started to heal. There are still broken pieces inside of me. There always will be. Some wounds don't ever completely close, but you move on, and you deal with what has to be done. And I did, and I'm stronger for it.

I survived.

I'm proud of that. I'm proud of a lot of things about my life now, even knowing that there are a lot of imperfections about me still. I don't always make the choices that people who care about me would want me to. I'm alright with that. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, and that has to be enough, even when people don't approve. I'm no longer seeking approval from anyone else but myself.

I know that I've been missing from my blog a lot lately, and I'm sorry for that, because I know a lot of you keep tabs on me here, wondering where I've been and what I've been doing. The truth is that where I've been is buried beneath homework, and sick for the last few weeks. I picked up a nasty flu, and haven't been able to shake it, and I've been feeling worse, then better, then worse again for weeks.

Phillip's been here pretty much nonstop, taking care of me while I cycle in and out, popping antibiotics, and hoping that it'll finally kick out of my system. Hope springs eternal, but at least I haven't landed in the hospital, which is a nice change of pace. Coughing crap out, and spewing green stuff sucks, I don't recommend it for anyone.

I'm working on a 12 page research paper for one of my classes, and starting the home stretch toward finals, wrapping up the fall semester for college, and looking toward spring, and lining up my little ducks in a row for next year, you know, the basic ongoing stuff.

I've got a series of Dr's appointments scheduled for the next couple of weeks as well, but there's not a lot new there, that's pretty common for me.

Oh, and last but definitely not least, my long-time best friend Danny became a Daddy on November 1, 2009. He has the most adorable little boy, so many congratulations and happiness to him and his girlfriend. I'd post pictures, but I don't do that kind of thing :P

June 17th, 2009

Been a while since I actually sat down and wrote here. Couple of weeks, which is strange for me. I know, I know. And it isn't as though (except for the last couple of days) I've been hiding in a corner, all covered in depression, too upset to write anything. I've actually been really busy, and simply haven't stopped to update anyone on what's been going on in my world.

I didn't get the job that I wanted, I guess I'll start there. And I've been kind of upset about it. And I had to go in for some testing recently, and I'm still waiting on the results of the biopsies, but the things that are pending, none of them look good. The initial bit that they took off, those were cancer, and I already know that. I'm having a lot of trouble coping, and keeping up my day-to-day ability to deal.

And Monkey was in town, for the last week and a half, and that was wonderful. Seeing her, and spending the time with her, it was great. And then I had to take her home, and it hurt, letting her go hurt. That was two days ago, and I've done pretty much nothing since I got back home but sit curled up on the corner of the couch, and watch silly television shows, and tried to block everything out. Not the most mature response in the world, but it was the best I could do.

Which brings us to today, where I'm finally somewhat managing to function like a regular person, and trying to get myself back together. I have a new application to fill out, for a scholarship for school, that landed in my inbox, I want to say yesterday. I had to call Danny to have it printed out, because apparently my printer has completely died, and refuses to resurrect, no matter what I do to it. If anyone has any spares lying around, please send one my way. All it needs to do is print black & white, I don't do anything fancy these days with it. I'll buy one eventually, but at the moment, I'm still working on that whole "paying my rent" thing, so running out to purchase a printer isn't exactly at the top of the to-do list.

I helped a friend go and get a car last week, and he's very pleased, which makes me happy. And I'm looking forward to seeing all the costumes at the Mad Scientist party that another friend is hosting this weekend. I'll be taking pictures for that one, because that's fun for me. And while I could write quite a bit more, right now, I think what I'm going to do now, is go and clean up a bit around the house, and sit and be cuddled, because that is what will make me feel the best, and I've finally grasped that it's better to just accept that, than try to be stubborn and prideful about it.

Have a good one, internets.

Whacking and chainsaws

Are kind of ruining my peace and quiet. Thus, earplugs FTW. So I hope no one tries to call, as I had to put earplugs in, because I would otherwise not be able to hear myself think, and I like being able to hear myself think.

There's massive construction/repairs going on at my apartment complex, which is nice, because it means that the property owners care enough to make sure the place is maintained, but bad insofar as that it's very noisy, getting it accomplished. Chainsaws are very loud. So is hammering. And other such construction related noises.

And it's landscaping day, so they're running their power equipment as well, and so it's just very noisy out there. And so I'll hide in earplugs until they're finished, as I'm already brewing one hell of a headache, which I'm kind of hoping to head off.

My entire day got a little bit blown to hell as it is, which I'm not thrilled about, but there isn't much I can do about, and I'm going to end up spending the better part of tomorrow with yet another batch of doctors, clinicians, and techs doing various exams, which was the plan for today, except that *someone* didn't send the correct referral forms. AGAIN.

Mental note to myself to call in advance and make sure they have all the damn paperwork. So one of the ultrasounds got done. Some lab work got done. Some prescriptions were written. And all the rest of it will get done tomorrow. Fucking yay.

I need to take the Thunderbird in and get it checked over by a mechanic, as it seems that the engine mounts may need to be tightened down. No idea how much that's going to run me. And I'm due for brakes, and an oil change, among other things. Always something, right? But I can't afford to let my car fall into disrepair, so I'll take care of it as soon as I can.

And I'm not feeling so hot lately, as evidenced by Brody watching one of my spinny episodes earlier today, which I think is kind of rattling her cage. She got to see one of my lupus flares in living colour a few weeks ago, which is kind of disconcerting, if you aren't expected it. Watching my skin kind of start blistering in front of you is sort of unnerving when it happens in seconds flat. We threw a towel across my arms, got her home, and I headed directly home to stay out of the sun. But I think it shocked her. Hearing me say that my skin blisters, and watching a blister form that quickly just aren't quite the same, and I always forget how creepy it can be.

I think that my meds are going to be tinkered about with this new batch of bloodwork. OH OH OH! But on a fucking happy note, I ran all over hell and gone this morning, and when they did my blood pressure, right after all the jogging? That shit came in at 111/70. Dead on normal, which means that all the exercise I've been doing lately is actually making me more the healthy, because generally if I get over-exerted, when they pop the cuff on me, it runs at least a little high, until I've been sitting for a few minutes. That's apparently not the case anymore. I was rather pleased by that. So yay for me, and my bouncy-bouncy-bouncy.

I finally have a quasi-goal in mind for myself, for what I want to be when I grow...down? LOL. That sounded funny even to me. I have this kind of strange ghosty picture in my mind, of an outfit I vaguely remember as being one of my favourites when I was 16-17 years old. And that outfit is something I saw on someone else recently, who is my height, and my body frame, but much lighter than I am. She's not stick-thin, but she had what I'm shooting for. And it suddenly dawned on me that she was dressed in clothes I would have worn once upon a time. And then I realized what weight range I'll need to be in, to look like that. And I was content then, because now I can has a goal. It's a vague, misty goal, to be sure. But it's a goal, and that made me happy. So I'll putter along, in ten pound increments, and perhaps I'll someday achieve my goal, and then I'll go buy a bodysuit, and see if I look like the Crystal I remember.

That might be nice. Looking at me in the mirror, and seeing the Crystal I remember looking back at me...having that confidence back would be good. I don't want to be that angry, angsty girl. But I sure would like her body back :)

Okay, I'm going to have to go take something for this headache, and maybe make some tea.

All the freaking changes and a stupid migraine.

The amount of crap I've done and changed in the last couple of days has amazed even me. And it's not that they're bad changes, most of them are both productive and good. But they're still yet more changes. Comcast has gotten zee boot. Or at least, they'll have gotten the boot in another couple of days. I went with AT&T for the phone and for internet, and I killed the cable television entirely. Not like I ever turn the stupid thing on. I cut down services on both cell phones, (Danny you 'tard why on earth didn't you cut the text messaging down if the phone wasn't in use?), and I cut it down on my other one as well. Cut the Netflix account as well, I never have time to watch the movies. It's on hold, actually, in the hope that perhaps within three months I might have time to watch movies again at some point. If I don't have time again then, I'll cancel it outright.

Moved the furniture around. Again. Loaned the LCD television/5-disc changer and small surround sound system to Danny and Mona for a while, as again, I don't really have the time to watch anything, and they needed one for their room at his parent's house. He says I can have it back once he can save up enough to buy one for his room, which is fine, it isn't as though I'm using it right now.

I spent half a damned day on the phone with contractors, service people and Social Security and it's cohorts the other day, setting up various services, and letting people know that I'm working, planning out some things, and lining up assistance. I'm looking into going back to college as well, if I can get it lined up for online courses. School will also take a bit of pressure off me for work if I can get into the right programs with grant money. If everything lines up correctly. If, if, if. So sick of if, and maybe, and possibly.

So tired of jumping through hoops, and government programs, and difficulties. Wish I was normal, and things could be simpler. Wish I could work a normal job, and have a normal life.

Waiting on yet more blood lab results again. May yet have the world fall out from under me if some of that lab work comes back the wrong way, and I'm terrified, honestly about that. Not as terrified as some other people may end up being, but scared just the same.

Evidentally, the things that cause an enlarged liver? Are not things I knew anything about, and I'm not very pleased with what they were testing for, and if those tests come back positive, I'm going to be a lot less pleased yet.

We shall see. Waiting to hear back from the doctor's office now. At least if they come back and I'm sick with some of those things, it isn't going to be *me* calling around and doing the notifying of other parties. I'll be not-so-happily handing over the names and contact information to my doctor, to notify the health department, and they can handle that shit from there.

Danny and I were both completely sexually clean when we were with each other, so if I suddenly test positive for something that's made me sick? It didn't come from me, or from Danny. And with my already compromised immune system, treating me is going to be a massive bitch.

Meh, I got off-track. Back to changes, and all the stuff I've been doing this week. Oh yes, working my ass off, literally as it turns out. Hit the scale, and I'm down seventy one pounds, total, since October third of last year. That's quite a bit. And I'm kind of amused at myself, since I honestly haven't really done anything at all to have lost that, except not be eating anything except what I choose to eat by myself. Nobody to eat *with* anymore, and that seems to be the difference.

Guess that's good for me? But I'm pretty pleased with it. 'Chelle actually just gave me several pairs of jeans that are three sizes smaller, and I needed it, because those are once again bagging on me, and those are the ones that I couldn't get pulled *on* six months ago. I'm happy with my jeans.

I even allow pictures to be taken these days now, without yelling. It's kind of funny.

Okay, as I've got a rotten ass migraine, and I had to take some Imitrex, and I'm fairly stoned right now, I'm going to go and pass out for a couple of hours, and hope it passes so I can still work later tonight, because I need to.

Wish me luck.

updates from a PC instead of a Mac

And wow, for me this feels incredibly strange. I haven't blogged from a PC with a regular keyboard in...I honestly don't even remember when. I better get good at it rather quickly though, since my job will depend on my being able to type quickly and competently with this keyboard. Practice makes perfect though, correct? And so practice I shall. As I sit at my desk, egads, a desk, using a PC. Feels oh so strange.

The last couple of weeks have been strange in general for me. And it isn't just the computer. Although I have to say, I do rather like having a desk. And a printer. And a chair. Anyhow.

Trinette is moved in, and the normal amount of chaos that comes with a new roommate has commenced. And so there have been boxes and all that moving around. The living room actually looks really good, and she did a phenomenal job putting the new entertainment center together. I was astounded at how fast she assembled that. Hell on wheels at the organizing of things, that one. Stewie will most likely hook up the surround sound, since he's who usually does it. And Phil moved all the other components and hooked those up, because Trin and I are both hopeless for that stuff.

Phil's been here and sick for a couple of weeks. I really did give him the Plague. I feel rotten about it. As it turns out, I'm hoping that what he has is some sort of ear infection. Melissa, once I described how he keeps waking up disoriented and dizzy, but it smooths out some in the afternoon, said it sounds like an inner ear infection, after having gotten my head cold a couple weeks ago. So he's on antibiotics now. He finally headed home this afternoon. I guess a guy can only take a couple of weeks of being fussed over. I wouldn't be so worried if he'd been eating, but he didn't eat for about a week, and for Phillip, not eating is the equivalent of being dead. So I was massively worried. But he finally started eating yesterday, so with the antibiotics, perhaps he's getting better now. I hope so, anyhow. Trinette tried feeding him Miso soup, but he didn't like it much. He seemed very fond of teriyaki chicken and broccoli though :)

I don't know. Everything this last week has been strange. I met, or should I say, re-met Ryan Rooks. He remembers me, but I can't remember him. I really like him though. Quite enjoy his company. He is an old friend of Trinette's from high school, or possibly before then, I don't recall. He is truly brilliant, and yet, also very down to earth and pleasant to be around and just sit and BS about anything with. I truly enjoy his presence at the apartment. And Stew's been coming around now that Trin's here. I hope to see who else pops up now that she's here. Kat's been here quite a bit, just hanging out with us.

I know things will fall into some semblance of a routine, because even I will have to start having one, but for right now just spending time with my friend who I had missed so very much for the last eight years is wonderful. So much so, in fact, that I'm going to stop blogging now, and grab a movie and go put it on in the living room and spend some more time with her, instead of with my computer. Although by now she's also had time to email Steven, and check her emails and that sort of thing. So it works out just as well in the end.

Oh, yes, one more note. I *should* be able to start my job within the next two weeks at the very outside, which should result in a paycheck within a month after that. YAY! And after that, things should finally smooth out the rest of the way for me.

I know a lot of people have been worried about me lately, but I'm doing alright now. More so now that Trinette is here, and things are a little more balanced. Melissa is still calling and checking up on me, although her plate is definitely full enough for any three normal people all the time. She's watching *two* extra 18 month old's full time, along with her own three kids, and juggling all her other normal projects, but that's her normal. And still has time to call and make sure my life isn't going too far insane. I loves Melissa :)

So yes, there's my "from the PC" update for the day. Hehehehehe.

I make the byebyes now.

cats and other random things

Ezzie's being a pain in the butt. Which, as it turns out, was my own fault. He was out of food. But I had a massive migraine, and so I didn't think to go check his food bowl, I just kept booting him off the bed, and growling back at him while he whined at me. I felt fairly dumb when I found the cause of his whining.

I also did an overhaul on the leftovers situation. Cleaned out the fridge, so at least I don't have to keep looking at the overload of food. For the next couple of weeks, I think I'll just stick to soup and sandwiches, so as to keep the food situation under control, and once Trinette gets here, I guess she and I will figure out a way to keep things under control. We're cool like that. Yay for us.

I went out with Stewie yesterday, to Kat's, for Chocolate Bunny snarfing day. Had a good time. I don't know why I never remember what a good time I have with him. And Kat (Hi Kat!!!!), made absolutely awesome homemade pizzas from scratch. And there was much joy and munching. Many full tummies were had by all. And girl scout cookies were consumed. And there was happiness. And then, unfortunately, my head exploded and I had to call it a night, or I'd've stayed out later.

The decision was made to go out with Stewie again on a different night, so that's what I've decided to do. I'm trying to decide what to wear. Ye gods, I might actually wear girl clothes. Stew can actually do the whole dressed to the nines thing when it suits him, so maybe I *will* wear girl clothes, and we'll go be real people and act like adults. Or maybe not. We tend to have more fun at casual venues, so I dunno. Either way, he's a blast, and I'm tired of sulking. Screw it, there's no point in the sitting at home doing the martyr routine, and my friends have rallied 'round to keep me from being depressed, the least I can do it cooperate with them.

Now if I could just figure out how to a: get the other audio tier from Mona's storage unit to the apartment. b: get the other entertainment center from Danny's parents to the apartment. c: assemble the other entertainment center. d: take apart the audio tiers and get the brackets and mount what I want to the walls I want it on so I have floating bookshelves, so I can start arranging stuff for Trinette's impending arrival.

It's more or less coming down to moving furniture and figuring out how to do things at this point, and I *should* be making lists and moving things around, but I'm not quite sure where to start, and I'm feeling kind of confused on where to begin. I normally have a 1,2,3 process, but I've been so scattered for the last couple of weeks that I'm just sort of out of it. I suppose I should start by having Danny help me find the red binders and getting those boxes out of here to FedEx so it's a beginning of clearing at least a couple things from the front room.

{tears out hair}

And once upon a midnight clear...

Today was payday. Could've been worse. I'm quite proud of myself for my ninja skills that I utilized on the last payday, which is why we're still okay today. I guess maybe money problems are just something that everyone has to deal with, and it's an all-the-time thing. I don't really know. But things are okay.

We've decided to let Schwans go, unless we specifically order something from them. I like it, they have really good food, and it's convenient, but it's not really conducive to saving money. I think I can either duplicate, or find alternatives for all the things I buy from them, for about 1/3 of the cost. We'll probably spend some time this weekend looking around to see if we can find stuff like that. And damnit, I'm out of peas. I need peas! Which tells me my sugar kick might finally be ending, if I'm craving vegetables again instead of cake. Yay!

On a completely different note: 'Chelle went and got me headphones. She knew that Ezzie once again ate mine, which left me with no headphones to use while I watch things on my computer, and so she called to check which kind I like, and she bought me headphones. I feel so loved. Come to think of it, the last thing I really *REALLY* wanted was the game guide for Oblivion, and my hetero life partner is who got me that too. I just didn't have the money for it, and so she bought it for me as a present :) Thank joo!

Our Xbox is being shipped back to the MS guys, who swear they'll fix it, or send us a different one. Either way, we'll be back up and running soon, and I can once again submerge myself in the crack that is xbox. Wheee. I missed being able to play, so I'll be happy when it's fixed.

Things are...honestly, things are going to be okay. I spent yesterday with 'Chelle, and it always makes me remember that just the two of us out BS'ing around is fun. We share so many of the same interests, and experiences, that it makes it very pleasant to just kick back together and babble about nothing. Danny and I are doing fine. Things are just kind of motoring along.

I have a project I'll be working on for the next couple of weeks. If it all pans out, then that might help us out money-wise too. But that's like, a long-term kind of thing, so I'm not expecting immediate profit or anything from it. It cost me 10 bucks to get the supplies to work on it, and I should have a good time screwing around assembling it. That's enough for me.

I'm still working my way through "Charmed", which is still entertaining me.

Kat is still doing incredibly well with her physical therapy, even though I'm not the one who is taking her anymore. I haven't had another seizure, but I've also been being exceeding cautious about what I do. I'm kind of sad that I can't be there cheering for her while she hits all the milestones as she does it, but I'd rather someone else takes her, than risk her being in a vehicle with me driving and us getting into some type of accident and injuring her worse. She has a tall enough hill to climb without getting into an accident because of me and my random seizure thing. I'm not willing to drive anybody right now, for safety's sake.

I'm planning on writing a long letter to my aunt, because I've developed an interest in my family geneaology. I know more or less where I come from and from whom, but it would be interesting to find out all the details. I'll probably be bugging Mom and Jack for answers to my questions too, so be prepared, guys. I'll try to hold off until you're moved and married first though :)

Things are going to be okay. No matter what, things are going to be okay. Or at least, that's how I feel right now.