I would like to point out? That the words I was told, and supposed to have been reassured by? Didn't match. Again. And that it's a damned good thing that I went into the entire situation braced with the knowledge that things were going to go the way they did, and that everything would go to hell in a handbasket, and I'd be left standing alone, as I generally am.
Fortunately, I don't *need* to have someone standing by my side, holding my hand. I'm self-sufficient, and can stand on my own. I don't require a man to hold me up, and take care of me. I'm not looking to be somebody's precious little princess, and be coddled and babied and worshiped or whatever.
I've actually pondered that quite a lot lately. There's always some kind of reason, right? Those little precious princesses have it down pat, in a way I both don't, and have no interest in. They do whatever they like, with no repercussions, it must be rather nice. But I don't think I want to live that way. I take responsibility for my actions, and I'm okay with that.
But on the other hand, and at the same time, what puzzles me, is how the idiot men, all of them, seem to think that those same women who are such manipulators and know how to put on the precious princess routines? They need to be "protected", and not have to face the realities of life. How they're just not strong enough to deal with most things. Or so all these men seem to believe.
The little princesses are in danger of imminent collapse at the first sign of stress, or conflict. And yet, most of the time, they'll initiate the conflict, and instigate the stress. And then run for cover, "oh, protect me!"
And the funny part? I guess it works. I'd take lessons, but I don't look playing the bullshit female games, because I find them petty and stupid. I just don't understand how men can be so fucking blind all the time.
How can *anyone* love someone who is willing to lie and cheat and manipulate, and do such underhanded bullshit things? Over and over? And why the hell would anyone want that kind of person? And no, for a change this one isn't a direct attack. I can think of several such people. And they're all women. And the men I know continue to want those types of women, and want to protect them, because they're so fragile, and need to be taken care of, and coddled, blah blah blah. It's just such bullshit. Why can't men see what's right in front of their faces?
Yes, I occasionally want to be held, and cared for, and taken care of. But not with money, not with "things", not babied to the point of not having to face reality. I don't want to be protected from what's going on in the real world. And every man in my life wouldn't hesitate for a moment before telling me the absolute truth about what's going on in his life, because I'm strong enough to handle it, and they know it. Yes, sometimes I'd like to not have to deal with quite so much, but not for a second would I trade it in for being wrapped in cotton wool, and not knowing anything, because god forbid I be treated like a real person, and be able to handle anything.
But for fuck's sake! These women aren't porcelain! They're able to manipulate you men into doing anything they want, and they do it with skill and ease that's frightening. And you never even notice it. They'll go behind your back, and cuckold you completely, and feed you a bullshit story that isn't even vaguely believable, and you buy it, because they're so delicate and fragile that they'd never *do* something that deceitful? Who the fuck are you kidding?
What makes men that blind? By the time any of those men finally believe that their precious princesses would have screwed them over, they're completely and totally fucked, and I'm usually the one left helping pick up the pieces, shaking my head and saying "I think I tried to warn you, oh (insert time frame here)", and nobody appreciate the I told you so.
But come on. It's happened over and over, it's a pattern, and no one can see it? Because, what? Those women are going to change? Just for you? Because you "love" them? And your "love" is stronger than the last man's "love"? Get real. They aren't going to change. It's not going to be a miracle, and everything isn't going to work out swimmingly, and be a happily-ever-after for you, just because she says it is. You're just the next in a line of chumps.
Wake up, and smell the nice, hot coffee, gentlemen.
And I hope that it's worth it. I'm tired of picking up pieces for men who are intentionally blind, and who expect me to help hold them together later. And I'm not some kind of consolation prize, either, to help them lick their wounds.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
What doesn't kill me?
Must make me stronger. At this rate, I'll be the strongest person on the fucking planet.
For reference? Yes, I'm doing fine. Yes, I'll continue doing fine, in spite of all anyone's best efforts to the goddamned contrary. So all your twisted little manipulations to try and undermine my current state of happiness and how I'm doing? Failed. Complete fail. I've had to cut Danny from my life because I refuse to keep having to deal with the sanctimonious twisted self-serving bullshit routine, but in the end? It's how I'm doing, and my being able to keep things together that matter, and not anything else.
So you can take your bullshit stories, and your twisted lies, and do whatever you like with them. I don't need it, them, or anything else to do with you involved in my life. And it's costing me a lot, and that's just something I'll deal with. But if it means you're gone? Better that, than the constant influx of you being able to in any way effect any part of my life, or my happiness, mood, or anything else.
Kiss my ass you betraying, backstabbing, manipulating asshole.
I'll never understand the appeal there. I've done some shitty things in my day, but I've never kicked someone when they were down, for what appears to be the sheer joy of making their lives harder, or getting a lift by knowing they hurt. I've never intentionally talked trash on someone who wasn't doing any harm to me. And I sure as shit didn't go out of my way to take joy in someone else's pain.
I don't blame all my problems on someone else.
And I have *always* stepped up and apologized when I was wrong, and made an attempt to make amends.
Karma's a bitch, and someday you'll get yours.
For reference? Yes, I'm doing fine. Yes, I'll continue doing fine, in spite of all anyone's best efforts to the goddamned contrary. So all your twisted little manipulations to try and undermine my current state of happiness and how I'm doing? Failed. Complete fail. I've had to cut Danny from my life because I refuse to keep having to deal with the sanctimonious twisted self-serving bullshit routine, but in the end? It's how I'm doing, and my being able to keep things together that matter, and not anything else.
So you can take your bullshit stories, and your twisted lies, and do whatever you like with them. I don't need it, them, or anything else to do with you involved in my life. And it's costing me a lot, and that's just something I'll deal with. But if it means you're gone? Better that, than the constant influx of you being able to in any way effect any part of my life, or my happiness, mood, or anything else.
Kiss my ass you betraying, backstabbing, manipulating asshole.
I'll never understand the appeal there. I've done some shitty things in my day, but I've never kicked someone when they were down, for what appears to be the sheer joy of making their lives harder, or getting a lift by knowing they hurt. I've never intentionally talked trash on someone who wasn't doing any harm to me. And I sure as shit didn't go out of my way to take joy in someone else's pain.
I don't blame all my problems on someone else.
And I have *always* stepped up and apologized when I was wrong, and made an attempt to make amends.
Karma's a bitch, and someday you'll get yours.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mmm, bedtime
Yep. It's bedtime, and I'm enjoying the new bedding, it's prettyful :) And yes, I know very damned well that prettyful isn't a word, thank you very much the spell-checker of blogspot. Tough shit.
It's my blog, and I'll spell how I want to. Anyhow, it's bedtime, and tomorrow I'll be finishing up some cleaning, possibly making chicken casserole, and then having dinner elsewhere. The irony in that does not escape me, but I'm also aware that if I don't make a big batch of *something* once a week or so, I end up eating a lot of hard boiled eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, and other 'on the fly' things that are healthy, but not actual meals. So I make a once-a-week meal that I can reheat. It's been working out reasonably well. That, and snagging leftovers from people who cook actual meals, and donate them to me, as their pet starving refugee, now that I can't be bothered to cook for myself. I'm rather enjoying the fringe benefits of that. Maybe one of these days I'll look into the cooking for one cookbooks or something. Who knows.
I'm feeling pretty good, emotionally.
I unpacked my things. The spare room is no longer "spare". It's turning nicely into a library, and looking pretty good. Sissa's dad offered to come and hang up my curtain rods for me, if I can't manage it on my own, which I appreciate. I haven't decided if I'm going to take him up on it yet or not. But I appreciate the offer. It was very kind of him. All in all, things are going well.
I feel like I crossed a very long, very perilous bridge, and have finally reached the other side, and am standing on nice, solid ground for the first time in nearly a year. And it feels good.
I talked to Courtney today as well, and that too, felt good. It was good to hear her voice, to laugh and to talk to her.
Today was a good day. And I didn't even need to use my AK.
LOL.
It's my blog, and I'll spell how I want to. Anyhow, it's bedtime, and tomorrow I'll be finishing up some cleaning, possibly making chicken casserole, and then having dinner elsewhere. The irony in that does not escape me, but I'm also aware that if I don't make a big batch of *something* once a week or so, I end up eating a lot of hard boiled eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, and other 'on the fly' things that are healthy, but not actual meals. So I make a once-a-week meal that I can reheat. It's been working out reasonably well. That, and snagging leftovers from people who cook actual meals, and donate them to me, as their pet starving refugee, now that I can't be bothered to cook for myself. I'm rather enjoying the fringe benefits of that. Maybe one of these days I'll look into the cooking for one cookbooks or something. Who knows.
I'm feeling pretty good, emotionally.
I unpacked my things. The spare room is no longer "spare". It's turning nicely into a library, and looking pretty good. Sissa's dad offered to come and hang up my curtain rods for me, if I can't manage it on my own, which I appreciate. I haven't decided if I'm going to take him up on it yet or not. But I appreciate the offer. It was very kind of him. All in all, things are going well.
I feel like I crossed a very long, very perilous bridge, and have finally reached the other side, and am standing on nice, solid ground for the first time in nearly a year. And it feels good.
I talked to Courtney today as well, and that too, felt good. It was good to hear her voice, to laugh and to talk to her.
Today was a good day. And I didn't even need to use my AK.
LOL.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
ah, iTunes, your irony strikes me
I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.
Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.
I guess I must be healing. Finally.
And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.
Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.
I guess I must be healing. Finally.
And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.
Secret word of the week
This week's word of the week is:
"sedulous"
And that's what I've been for the last couple of months, and what has finally culminated in success, for which I am now pleased, and somewhat relieved.
And am now moving on about my business and setting up my house, and my life, and my future. Myself.
"sedulous"
And that's what I've been for the last couple of months, and what has finally culminated in success, for which I am now pleased, and somewhat relieved.
And am now moving on about my business and setting up my house, and my life, and my future. Myself.
Friday, July 25, 2008
the forest for the trees
He can't see the forest for the trees
From where I stand
It seems clear to me
How do you help a friend
Who's making a mistake?
How do you tell him?
What words can you say?
He doesn't even know it
If he's not careful
He may blow it
How do you help a friend?
So I've got this stupid song running through my head. Well that one (btw, I have no idea who sings it, it's from a show I watched as a child, called Kids Inc, and they never said who the song was by, or what it was actually called, and I've searched for it before), and I have another one also doing a repetitive dance in my head. It's the Willy Wonka song:
I want a ball
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons and ...
Give it to me
Now!
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!
I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em
I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream!
I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now
So how's that for an interesting mix of songs to be playing on repeat in my head? One is a sad morose mopey song, and the other is the I want it now song from Willy Wonka? My emotional basket-case-ness rides again!
So I got what I needed from financial aid at FCC, and it looks like I'm going to be just fine. Finally? I almost don't know what to do now. Now I just...wait? For school to start. I got an email back from one of my professors, telling me to be patient, as the class information isn't yet up on the blackboard site yet, and so he hasn't yet got the information to send me. But he was happy to hear from an eager student. And I guess now I'm just waiting, so I can order books, and find out what to do. Can't wait to start putting things in order, and go-go-going!
Will be spending the day Sunday organizing things around here, which should be nice. My new bedding and whatnot arrived yesterday, and I'm rather pleased. I need to get some curtain rods, though. Was very pleased, overall, though.
I need to take the Tbird in for a tune-up soon, and I need to call my doctor, and set up an appointment, since I missed my last one. I suck, but I wasn't up to it. I haven't been up to a lot of things lately. But I need to get it done. No good excuse now. And I have *got* to get some sleep now, especially since I now have new bedding, and should be able to start sleeping in my own bed again now. That will be nice. I kind of missed it.
Ezzie's being kind of kitty-douchebag. I think he has furball PMS. No idea what his problem is lately, but he needs to knock it off. He ate yet another cell phone charger, finally went and bought another one. Gave him the one he ate, and that seems to be making him happy. The guys at the store took pity on me and gave me a discount, since this is the third charger in six months. It's a good thing I love this cat so much, or he'd be a dead kitty. At least he's cute, right? And keeps me company.
From where I stand
It seems clear to me
How do you help a friend
Who's making a mistake?
How do you tell him?
What words can you say?
He doesn't even know it
If he's not careful
He may blow it
How do you help a friend?
So I've got this stupid song running through my head. Well that one (btw, I have no idea who sings it, it's from a show I watched as a child, called Kids Inc, and they never said who the song was by, or what it was actually called, and I've searched for it before), and I have another one also doing a repetitive dance in my head. It's the Willy Wonka song:
I want a ball
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons and ...
Give it to me
Now!
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!
I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em
I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream!
I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now
So how's that for an interesting mix of songs to be playing on repeat in my head? One is a sad morose mopey song, and the other is the I want it now song from Willy Wonka? My emotional basket-case-ness rides again!
So I got what I needed from financial aid at FCC, and it looks like I'm going to be just fine. Finally? I almost don't know what to do now. Now I just...wait? For school to start. I got an email back from one of my professors, telling me to be patient, as the class information isn't yet up on the blackboard site yet, and so he hasn't yet got the information to send me. But he was happy to hear from an eager student. And I guess now I'm just waiting, so I can order books, and find out what to do. Can't wait to start putting things in order, and go-go-going!
Will be spending the day Sunday organizing things around here, which should be nice. My new bedding and whatnot arrived yesterday, and I'm rather pleased. I need to get some curtain rods, though. Was very pleased, overall, though.
I need to take the Tbird in for a tune-up soon, and I need to call my doctor, and set up an appointment, since I missed my last one. I suck, but I wasn't up to it. I haven't been up to a lot of things lately. But I need to get it done. No good excuse now. And I have *got* to get some sleep now, especially since I now have new bedding, and should be able to start sleeping in my own bed again now. That will be nice. I kind of missed it.
Ezzie's being kind of kitty-douchebag. I think he has furball PMS. No idea what his problem is lately, but he needs to knock it off. He ate yet another cell phone charger, finally went and bought another one. Gave him the one he ate, and that seems to be making him happy. The guys at the store took pity on me and gave me a discount, since this is the third charger in six months. It's a good thing I love this cat so much, or he'd be a dead kitty. At least he's cute, right? And keeps me company.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A day in the life of:
There's nothing really interesting going on. I spend my days doing the same things, over and over again. And it's beginning to wear on me. Not necessarily in a bad way? But it's the same thing. I go to FCC tomorrow, to talk to financial aid again, because I get to jump through a couple more hoops. I'm so god-awful tired of jumping through paperwork hoops. And I talked to S.S., who tells me that financial aid should work out just fine. I'm just frustrated. I want everything to get going, and roll smoothly, so that things can just even out already!
I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.
I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.
I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.
And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.
So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.
For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.
I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.
But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.
Goodnight internets.
I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.
I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.
I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.
And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.
So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.
For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.
I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.
But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.
Goodnight internets.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
