--a noteworthy aside--

Don't follow me to try and be like me, because there's not really a reason. Don't base your self-worth on what I'm doing. What I do, or don't, or choose to do shouldn't have any impact on anyone's life but my own. I'm sorry when my choices hurt someone else, I truly am, but I've long since stopped doing anything based on whether or not it's going to impact anyone else's life, and other people should do the same.

Whether I write something, update something, edit something, make things visible or not has nothing to do with anything that's visible to the general population of the internet. It's just not as a general rule. There are some days that I change out something, just because I decided that I wanted to match the background of my text editor to my new hair color, or what color shoes I have on. It's often just as random as that, and as thoughtless.

I know that, frequently, I get calls and emails because people think that what I'm writing is in direct relation to something having to do with them. Or that they've been locked out of something, or that I'm upset with someone. The truth is, I probably heard something on the news, read it on a blog, or saw something in a cloud that made me think a weird thought, and it ended up online, or made me want to switch out a setting, and there's no reason to think it had anything to do with anyone.

Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery. It's more of a lack of being able to think of anything original for yourself. *sigh* I should know, I'm usually the person who thinks up something first, and then looks around and realizes a lot of people are now imitating me, and wanting to be like me, and I then stop doing something I was enjoying, because I don't *like* sycophants, and mindless drones who want to orbit around me trying to be like me. I'm sure other people enjoy having an entourage, but I'm not one of them. I don't *want* the spotlight, I don't *want* to be the center of attention. I never did, it just sort of was a side effect of what I'm told is an overwhelming personality.

I used to claim that I just don't see it, the effect I have on people, that I'm oblivious to it. But the truth is that I'm aware now, that people are drawn to me. But I'm not asking for that, and I don't crave it. I'm aware that it's there, but I'm not going seeking the attention. A lot of people hate me for it. Mostly women, the ones who want the spotlight, and the attention and who want to have those admirers. I've learned finally to accept and deal with that.

I was told recently that there can only be one "queen" in a group of people, and that's true. But I have no desire to be that "queen". I'm just here, and if people want to attempt to follow my lead, I can't prevent that. But I'm very tired of being imitated, and extremely exhausted by the amount of vitriol spewed in my direction by the people who want that attention, and the followers who I guess decided they liked me, or whatever it is that I'm doing. The people who can't share a spotlight, and as a result spend their time bashing me, and trying to tear me down to make themselves look better. In the long run, it doesn't do any real damage to me, because I've learned that I'm a good enough person that the lies jealous people spread tend to twist in on themselves, and people still like me. But in the short term? It's a pain in my ass.

I'm not sure why it is that people want to base their self-esteem on how many people like them anyhow, but I more or less accept that there are people like that. I'm not out to collect friends, and hold a popularity contest. I simply don't care enough to bother. I have my circle, and my circle is secure. I like the people I like, and they're good enough judges of character that they don't really need to have a popularity contest either. But while trying to join in 'regular' groups, and hanging out at random events, it becomes tedious. Which is why I rarely bother. It feels like high school, and ridiculous. At my age, who needs the aggravation?

And in the end

I would like to point out? That the words I was told, and supposed to have been reassured by? Didn't match. Again. And that it's a damned good thing that I went into the entire situation braced with the knowledge that things were going to go the way they did, and that everything would go to hell in a handbasket, and I'd be left standing alone, as I generally am.

Fortunately, I don't *need* to have someone standing by my side, holding my hand. I'm self-sufficient, and can stand on my own. I don't require a man to hold me up, and take care of me. I'm not looking to be somebody's precious little princess, and be coddled and babied and worshiped or whatever.

I've actually pondered that quite a lot lately. There's always some kind of reason, right? Those little precious princesses have it down pat, in a way I both don't, and have no interest in. They do whatever they like, with no repercussions, it must be rather nice. But I don't think I want to live that way. I take responsibility for my actions, and I'm okay with that.

But on the other hand, and at the same time, what puzzles me, is how the idiot men, all of them, seem to think that those same women who are such manipulators and know how to put on the precious princess routines? They need to be "protected", and not have to face the realities of life. How they're just not strong enough to deal with most things. Or so all these men seem to believe.

The little princesses are in danger of imminent collapse at the first sign of stress, or conflict. And yet, most of the time, they'll initiate the conflict, and instigate the stress. And then run for cover, "oh, protect me!"

And the funny part? I guess it works. I'd take lessons, but I don't look playing the bullshit female games, because I find them petty and stupid. I just don't understand how men can be so fucking blind all the time.

How can *anyone* love someone who is willing to lie and cheat and manipulate, and do such underhanded bullshit things? Over and over? And why the hell would anyone want that kind of person? And no, for a change this one isn't a direct attack. I can think of several such people. And they're all women. And the men I know continue to want those types of women, and want to protect them, because they're so fragile, and need to be taken care of, and coddled, blah blah blah. It's just such bullshit. Why can't men see what's right in front of their faces?

Yes, I occasionally want to be held, and cared for, and taken care of. But not with money, not with "things", not babied to the point of not having to face reality. I don't want to be protected from what's going on in the real world. And every man in my life wouldn't hesitate for a moment before telling me the absolute truth about what's going on in his life, because I'm strong enough to handle it, and they know it. Yes, sometimes I'd like to not have to deal with quite so much, but not for a second would I trade it in for being wrapped in cotton wool, and not knowing anything, because god forbid I be treated like a real person, and be able to handle anything.

But for fuck's sake! These women aren't porcelain! They're able to manipulate you men into doing anything they want, and they do it with skill and ease that's frightening. And you never even notice it. They'll go behind your back, and cuckold you completely, and feed you a bullshit story that isn't even vaguely believable, and you buy it, because they're so delicate and fragile that they'd never *do* something that deceitful? Who the fuck are you kidding?

What makes men that blind? By the time any of those men finally believe that their precious princesses would have screwed them over, they're completely and totally fucked, and I'm usually the one left helping pick up the pieces, shaking my head and saying "I think I tried to warn you, oh (insert time frame here)", and nobody appreciate the I told you so.

But come on. It's happened over and over, it's a pattern, and no one can see it? Because, what? Those women are going to change? Just for you? Because you "love" them? And your "love" is stronger than the last man's "love"? Get real. They aren't going to change. It's not going to be a miracle, and everything isn't going to work out swimmingly, and be a happily-ever-after for you, just because she says it is. You're just the next in a line of chumps.

Wake up, and smell the nice, hot coffee, gentlemen.

And I hope that it's worth it. I'm tired of picking up pieces for men who are intentionally blind, and who expect me to help hold them together later. And I'm not some kind of consolation prize, either, to help them lick their wounds.

choices

So I guess that it always comes down to something. Everyone has to make their own choices about things. I read that somewhere today. You can choose to be happy or unhappy about things. You can choose to respond to how things happen in your life. Sometimes it's harder to make a certain choice about how you feel, and I suppose that actually *is* true.

Right now, I feel rotten. And I'm probably going to feel that way for a little while, and then I'll set it aside, and push past it, because I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I'm tired of people breaking promises to me. I know that they're going to. I even expected to have those promises broken. Was braced for it, in fact. And still it hurt, to realize that in spite of all those protestations, in the end, the words were lies. I had told him to his face that he was lying to both me and himself. And he still tried to convince me that it wasn't so.

Prove me wrong. I know you won't. But you're welcome to try.

And to you, you stalking idiot: Ultimatums? What was the point? He'll always come back to me. You get him. You have him. And in the end, he always comes back to me, and ends up in my bed, in my arms, and being held by me. It's a sick, twisted pattern. But it *is* a pattern. If he was going to be faithful, he wouldn't have ended up naked with you in January. He wouldn't have ended up in my bed within weeks of making a "commitment" with you. It doesn't make him a bad person, it simply makes him not a great boyfriend. As soon as he has a tie to someone, he immediately balks and wants to be free. And needs to not have a leash around him. Even if he loves you, he'll end up in my bed. Not intentionally, and it might take a while. Hell, it might not even be *my* bed. But it will be someone's, unless he does nothing but sit alone in his room, and see no one. Because he likes to look, he likes to touch, and he likes to be free.

And everyone makes choices, unconsciously or not. Me? I don't mind playing around. I don't cheat. I don't play around if I'm with someone. But what other people do? I don't judge them for. I don't care if he has a girlfriend. Never have, never will. Didn't care about some of the other men I was involved with either. As long as *I* am single, it makes no difference to me. Their conscience, not mine.

Meh, whatever. I'm bored posting now.

I'm going to go make dinner.