And the results of three months of confusion...

are finally in. I had...have? It's called blighted ovum, and I guess I still have it. My body still is pregnant, which is why my hormones are still so screwballed. I will be, until I get some pills from my doctor to cause me to have a cycle to abort the fetus. The baby started, but couldn't continue, something was either wrong with it, or some variation on that. And so it died...but my body didn't naturally abort it. Which is why I'm so screwed up right now. I'll be okay. It's just as well, because being tied to Phillip wouldn't have been good, not right now. Not with all the drama with him, and Colleen and all the bullshit. He walked out, without even caring what was going on.

From the measurements, the baby died at right about the same time he left anyhow. I guess it was never meant to be. My little gestational sac was six weeks along. And it never kept going. I guess I'm not capable of carrying Phillip's baby. Maybe nobody is. I'll probably never know anyhow.

It doesn't matter now anyhow, I have bigger problems. The tech obviously found other things on the ultrasound she was doing, and I'll be meeting with my doctor in another couple of weeks to find out exactly what those are. She took more than 100 ultrasound pictures, of my ovaries, kidneys, heart, liver, gallbladder. I don't know why, since a lot of those weren't even ordered to have been taken. She obviously found something, and followed up on whatever it was. And I don't know anymore than that, and will simply have to wait and see. I have my own theories, but will wait to find out.

I'm relieved that I'm not pregnant, and can simply move forward now, without needing to worry any further on that front.

I'll go back on my regular medications, and will be calling to reschedule my MRI, because I had postponed it since they don't do MRI's on pregnant women. It was a just-in-case kind of thing.

In other news, Trinette is moving out sometime this weekend, and so I'll be working more than I had originally intended, because I'll be needing to be able to float the apartment alone a lot sooner than planned. All my plans have moved up by six months. Everybody wish me luck, I'm probably going to need it. I think I'll be okay, but still, wish me luck. I'm still not altogether sure how I'm going to make the rent for July. Nowhere in my original plans was needing to be able to carry everything alone quite this soon, so I'm sort of freaking out quietly here in my corner of the world.

Other than that, I'm just getting by.

Where'd you go? Feels like it's been forever

Yeah, more morose blogging. Skip to the bottom if you don't want to see me being morose.

And no, I'm not sitting around clutching my phone, desperately wanting to call the rat bastard. I'm not that far gone. But I still miss him. Can't help that. He's an ass, it's not like I've gone nuts or anything. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts, and he's gone, and *that* hurts. And there are days that I wish I could forget what he did, and things could be the way they were, and I could *not* hurt, ya know?

And no, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to cry on anyone's shoulder, and I don't want to be comforted. I simply want to not have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want it to go away, so that things go back to normal, and I've come to the conclusion that there may never be "normal" anymore for me.

In November, when Trinette goes with Steven, might actually be the beginning of "normal" for me, where I actually start to put together something that will be "normal". I don't know what that will be. But it will be something. I'll figure it out. But it'll be something.

In the meantime, I have to go to the fucking post office in the morning, and figure out what happened to my mail. Apparently, I think I've figured out part of the culprit. Mona checked the box for "family" to forward her and Cora and it caused everyone at this address to bounce. And since Trinette was a new tenant, hers got straightened out and hers is now being delivered, but mine's just being rejected and returned to sender, as it has nowhere to forward *to*. Danny and Mona's is going to them, and mine is just going nowhere. Unfortunately, it means SS and the stuff from the doctor and everything else like my bills are all being bounced back. It's a royal pain in the ass. And I need to go get it straightened pronto, because I already notified SS that I'm working, and if they get a bounce back that I don't live here, god only knows what will happen. Like they'll stop giving me my paychecks possibly? It could be *very* bad. So I will go and untangle that tomorrow. And I hope it's a very simple untangle.

I talked to work today, I hit what I needed to hit to get paid, albeit it not being a very big check because it's a pro-rate. But I *did* hit it. So all is well there. I had a manager pull the numbers, so I know I hit what needed to be hit before the end of month tally. Next month will be better, but it was the first month of testing that I was worried about. Next month will be a full run, and I'll be shooting for much higher numbers, and I will have a better idea of when I need to be tied to the keyboard, and how and what I'm doing than I did now, but I needed to hit that pro-rated amount to get paid at all, and to maintain the job. And I did. I'm very happy and pleased with that.

I'm doing alright, I suppose. I'm working, I'm doing all the things I need to be doing. I'm pretty tired lately, because my sleep schedule is all messed up. And while I'm getting *enough* sleep, my body just doesn't know what to think of what I'm up to. And I'm not used to working at all, so perhaps that's why I'm so tired. The stress of knowing I *have* to work. Perhaps that's it? I don't know.

And I know that starting next Saturday, I will be sitting in front of my machine four hours a day, minimum, because I want to pulling down 450 messages a day, every day, to be hitting what I want to be hitting. Whether I like it or not, that's what I need to do. And it isn't an option anymore. I need to be treating it like the full-time job it is, and until I hit those 450 messages, I can't be going out and hanging out, and fucking around. It was okay this month, because I didn't have to hit the higher number that I'm going to need to be hitting next month. But next month I *have* to hit that number. And so it's sitting in front of the computer until I hit that goal. It isn't like transcription, where I had little tapes, and I worked until the work was done, and then I was finished. I have to be logged in until I hit that goal. And then I'm free to play. But I have to stop screwing off. (mental discussion with myself here, nobody else needs to harass me)

In other news, massive thanks to Brandon for fixing my cell phone charger and saving my ass. Esbat freaking ate it. I would've had to go buy a new one, but Brandon repaired it, and saved me money I didn't have to spend, which I am massively grateful to him for. And I'm grateful in advance to him for the moving of my little mini-fridge that he'll be helping me to move tomorrow. Thank you Brandon! I appreciate it more than I can say. Yay for the Ramsey family!

Secret word of the week

Today's word of the week is:

"listless"

incidentally, it's also the word of the day on dictionary.com

And that's it for right now from me, as I think I might actually nap. I'm still dragging ass, for no reason I can discern. I cleaned the kitchen, put my toaster oven back out for use, because I miss it and want it back where I can use it again. I need to clean and move Ezzie's box, which I guess I'll do before I crash out for that nap.

Then I'm going to go and sleep. Ugh.

Ugh

So tired. I am so freaking tired that it's ridiculous. And I have no idea why, because I was actually feeling halfway decently there for a couple of days. But I rather feel like I got hit by a freight train. All I want to do is go to sleep, which is not an option, as I need to work. Queue the suckage. But I have the Vaio up and working, which is making work a lot more pleasant, because I can sit curled up in the corner on my bed instead of at the desk, which is a lot easier on me, so that's good.

I'm going to go and make a cup of tea, and some toast, and curl up and work now, actually. Probably for the rest of the day. I might put a move on on the other computer to play through headphones to listen to while I work, because that will give me sound to listen to. It's pretty neat, the ability to listen to something else while I work. Yay, multi-tasking.

I hope everybody is doing well.

Dana was in town overnight, she got to visit, there are pictures up on my Myspace if anybody wants to see them. It was good to see her. And my little brother is rapidly turning into a giant, he's freaking six feet tall now. It's ridiculous. The kids need to stop doing that, growing up. It's making me nervous. They're good kids though, and I miss them.

OK, going to make tea and whatnot, and then get to work. Yay, monies. (wanders off singing about money)

Byebye internets.

Girlie crap, freaking Brody

A few days ago, I took recent pictures of me








And then today, I went out with Brody, and she went to go get her nails done. And since I was going to be sitting there, she got me a manicure. Now, I've never had one of those done, because I always thought they were lame and pointless, but she got me one, and it was nice. And my nails look pretty. See?



Well, I like them at any rate. And it was nice.

And updates on miscellaneous other things.

I went to the doctor yesterday, for those who are following the weird happenings with that. I'll be going and having my latest MRI, which should come up clear, because it has been for four years, and I see no reason for that to change. And the doctor is scheduling a second ultrasound, because she seems to think that I'm pregnant, even though the first ultrasound picture is complete shit, there does indeed seem to be something visible on it. Based on the picture, and all the symptoms, she's sending me out of the clinic to the hospital to have a real ultrasound, with a real competent tech doing it. And we'll go from there. But since I've not had a period, and all my symptoms refuse to clear up, and there's *something* on that last scan, she wants me checked out thoroughly, and refuses to prescribe me medication, and wants me to continue staying off of mine, except for my anti-seizure meds. I like the new doctor, a lot. They're also going to check out my gallbladder. Yay? So that's what happened at the doctor. Oh, that and my bloodwork came back freaking fabulously. That in and of itself also sparked the doc's curiousity, because the bloodwork shouldn't have been that clear for me.

So off to the hospital I'll go in a couple of weeks, and I'll know more then.

But I had a good day, and my job is going well, and I'm feeling better based on not feeling crazy anymore.

Cheers, everybody!

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is going to be:

"smut"

simply because I'm exhausted and can't think of anything more creative, and I need to go jump back into the muck.

Bye

visitors

Ariel was in town today, and she came by to see me, which was cool. I never get to see her, and we were such good friends once that it's depressing that she lives in Sac and I see her so rarely. But she was here, and it was a good visit. And I managed to hit my quota for the day too, after she left, which was good. Yay for the perverts being text fiends.

I'll log in and deal with the smut more later too, but the queue emptied out, so I'm here, updating. Ez is asleep on my bed, and we're both chilling out. Whatever it was that made me so sick as passed as well, so I'm feeling a bit better. The mystery might-be-knocked-up illness is still looming, but the stomach flu or whatever is gone.

I've had an ongoing headache all week, more or less, which is bugging me, but I'm actually feeling moderately good other than that. I'm wondering if the headache might be from stress at whether or not I can successfully pull of being able to do this job. It's been a long time since I had to depend on myself instead of knowing Danny would take care of me.

I think I'm doing okay. I know when I hit the pro-rated quota by the 20th that it will all be okay, and then I can start churning out what I need to know that I'll be able to pull down a decent paycheck, and make the bills myself without Trinette here when she moves out with Steven. It's just scary, and I'm not used to being this scared.

It's just hard, and that's difficult for me to admit to myself. It isn't that I can't take care of the basic day-to-day stuff, it's that I was very used to "me and Danny", and now I know that in a very few short months, it will be just me. I'm finally settling into that. It feels kind of good, actually. Being just me.

Not wondering what I need to do to adapt to having someone else I need to work around. I kind of like being just me. But it's also strange. And the bills is still a pain in the ass. Dealing with social security also sucks. I suspect that one might always suck, no matter what.

But for right now, each day? I'm managing. Sometimes I feel like I could use a little more space, and sometimes a little less, but for the most part, I'm doing alright.